Kuhus suggestion,
my daily journal….

H said: 66% of what you say is rubbish the other 34% is crap.

I said how can you say you love me when you say these things…?

He said" you are so demeaning, all the time you say I put you down, which is putting me down. how do you think this makes me feel?"

I have come to realize that I could spend a lifetime trying to understand why he does what he does, why he says what he says and then at the end of it all he is still who he is.

You get him, you understand him, and you know that you cant get it "right" for him all the time. So you enjoy the good days and expect the bad days. You take the easy conversations and dread the hard ones. You pretend like it is ok when it is not.

I am starting to realize that he really is not that important in my life and in my choices. I really cant stomach trying to figure him out anymore. I really don't care what he says or thinks about me. I take all of that energy and put it on me so that walking out of the room, walking out of the conversation, walking away from his silent treatment, his bullshit....is always helping me get closer to walking in the truth of who I am.
If my relationship ends I can live with that but what I cant live with is this relationship the way it is.

god it sounds like me right now

xxx

Sunny, I know exactly how you feel - but I do think you need to take a look at one other issue. I had something completely different happen to me a few days ago, but I think at the heart of it, it might be the same problem.

I have been so focused on me that I haven't kept my eye on the bigger picture. I bounced a check and really messed myself up financially. I am a single parent with an 18 yr old and a 15 yr old boy at home (plus a special needs guy - but he isn't in play in this). I have always been generous and shared whatever I have with my children, under the assumption that we are a family and we work to help each other. I thought we had a give and take relationship, and I was right! I give and they take and take and take.

Initially I was very angry. One boy is sitting on $1000.00 and was willing to loan me money as long as it involved interest or some other financial benefit for him. The other boy has just over $100.00 in cash, and he refused to give me anything, straight-up. I was hurt and disappointed and angry and frustrated - and then I thought about it. We have never been in financial dire straights before, and when have I ever taught my children differently? Their entire experience with money comes from observing their father and myself. I am generous and give more than I should (and am broke) and their father won't drive an extra mile to pick the kids up for visitation to save on gas money - he is impressively cheap - and he is not broke.

A few days later I sat down with one of the kids and explained how I was feeling. Initially, he was pretty pissed off about it, but after thinking about the situation for a few hours, he stepped in and did a lot of extra things to help out with his disabled brother while I was working - and did this w/o being asked and with a very positive attitude (as much of an apology as you can expect from a 15 yr old LOL).

Sunny, I think your guy had parents who completely dropped the ball. They didn't teach him how to act or how to listen and empathize. That really sucks, because it shouldn't be your job to 'teach' him how to be a decent human being. It shouldn't be your job - but if you want him to treat you better - well, someone will have to teach him that. As long as you choose to stay with him and also want him to be kinder, you need to express how you feel. The only way he'll ever even have an understanding that maybe HE needs to do some work and make some changes on his own is if he knows there's a problem.

If you'd said 'no' that day, you think you'd have gotten into an argument. It's a bummer you didn't say no then, but you can really turn this into a good thing! Instead of having a fight then, maybe you could explain to him now, now that it isn't going to immediately start an argument - you can pick a time of YOUR choosing and explain to him how it made you feel. If he won't listen, write it in a letter and hand it to him while you're on the way out the door and will be gone for a few hours. If he is anything at all like my charming ex, trust me, he'll read it! Maybe he won't care and maybe he won't choose to treat you any better than he has before, but you will have told him that there is a problem and will have told him that you want to be treated differently. Instead of worrying that you might not stand up for yourself if this happens again, you will have covered this ground with him and he'll know how you feel about this. Unless he know's he's being an ass, it's unreasonable to expect him to change :).

Be safe and well!

Thanks Mebsy,
We had a long talk last night, the usual lights out then talk talk…..!

He knows there is something not right with me.
I feel unsure of his love for me, which makes him sad. I suppose with his cheating past I am wary of trusting him completely. He knows I have doubts about us.
I tried to explain how he makes me feel not good enough for him.
He said this is nonsense and I shouldn't feel that way.
I feel he doesn't respect me, such as saying I talk 66% rubbish 34%crap.
I know I am way too over sensitive to things he says and over-eager for his praise …I just feel I can't ever quite please him ya know.

He says I criticise him, but really what I am doing in saying how can I be good enough for you? I tried to explain this to him too. Like when he doesn't like something I have cooked, I ask him how he would like it better - he takes this as a criticism of him not liking it. I try and do it in a jokey way….like…well you better speak up or you will be eating that for years to come!…..

I don't know how I can be better…? How can asking someone how to make things more to their liking make them feel like it is a criticism against them? Im so confused.

I do fear for this relationship and for the pain to come.
I don't know if it is the way he is which makes me feel these things or just Im messed up.

I have finally realized that the SEX part of the relationship is just a bonus. I must first like the guy and his character and what he does and how he acts before getting into bed with him. I always jumped right away to the sex. Then the sex would be an issue because there was lack of communication and all kinds of other relationship issues that were never looked at or discussed so how in the world was I going to enjoy intimate sex with someone that I really did not even know or actually like?? I was not giving the relationship a chance by rushing into sex.

I have also realized that once I even "start" to go there (sex) I cannot control myself. I want it now, all of it!! So I have to learn to take it slow. Enjoy the real person first. See if I really really do like this person before connecting sexually.

Maybe you could take a break from the sex and try to work on some of the other issues with your relationship first. It might help to not confuse and add another issue to the mix. This might also be a good way to see how he reacts to no sex for a while. Maybe he is putting too much weight on the sex in the relationship also. Its a tough call but you might find out a lot more about him if you give the sex a break for awhile.

Sunny,

So one major conversation that put you down today. Yes, it is mean. But now read it again. Doesnt what he say is outrightly childish ( in addition to being outrightly rude). Now who can talk 100% useless( rubbish + crap). So one.... it is illogical non-sense comment. Two.....how does it affect you...except that you are hurt.

You could have replied to him something like...what you have said has hurt me...and I am tempted to reply...but I wont becasue it will make me lose my mental peace and will do no good to our relationship either. And as I value both...my mental peace and our relationship I am walking out of this situation and will pray to god for a while. ( Be assured that hubby will make a nasty comment to this too....but you ignore it and move to another room and sit in silence with closed eyes...as though you are praying...alternatively you can really pray)

It will be difficult initially but slowly you will make progress...surely. This way you are preparing a shield for yourself to keep his negativity away from you.

Journalising such conversations is not to understand the why and how of his behaviour ...it is to know its frequency in a day and how you can re-read it and find it actually silly sometimes...may be most of the times.

Take care dear..and be always kind to yourself.