Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I find it very hard to love and accept myself. I have been in 2 abusive relationships in the last 7.5 years.
I was married to exN for less than 2 years but we were together for 6 years. He turned out to be an alcoholic, cheated, lied and messed me about, got abusive, raped me once and left a week after I was made redundant. He remained nasty throughout the divorce and I have nothing to do with him anymore.
BPDX is my most recent ex, the first serious relationship after exN, we were together for 1.5 years, lived together for 1 year, he was Jerkyll and Hyde, mentally and emotionally abusive, threatening, screaming and yelling at me for no reason, a control freak, twisting my words and my mind, very impatient, a total hypocrite). He pretty much left me alone for 2 month after I moved out (begining of June, I broke up with him in March but had to carry on living with him till the begining of June until my living arrangements were sorted) not much apart from a couple of SMSs, but he started bombarding me with over 100 SMSs, phone calls and emails 2-3 weeks before he was due to go back to the States, telling me that he has changed, he loves me, he would never hurt me again, he wants to be with me, promising me heaven and the earth, begging me to give him another chance. He totally messed up my head again but I refused to meet up with him (I wish I never responded in the first place!!) and he now left. He sent me a couple of emails since but I did not respond, deleted his emails and spammed him so he can't email me again from that email address. I hope he'll leave me alone now.
So here I am now. I don't know how I feel about life. I find it hard to accept and love myself. And I find it even harder to have a boyfriend who seems to love and accept me for me. I wasn't really looking for a relationship and was just happy being alone, then I met a guy and we just talked a lot and got on well great. He was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years (that finished 4 years ago) and he had similar experiences with getting headf*cked, blamed for her behaviour, hypocrisy, verbal abuse, etc. so he knows where I have been. We are on the same wavelength, he doesn't judge me, he is gentle and kind and makes me feel comfortable and accepted. He makes me laugh and I can talk to him about absolutely anything. And I fancy him (but I have been feeling rubbish about myself lately so shut that side off, but he never pressures me). I 'mess up' occasionally and snap at him or make a mistake and apologise; I expect him to be mad or shout at me like exN and or BPDX used to, or get impatient with me, but he never does; when I explain that I don't know why I feel so strange, he talks to me and listens, and just tells me that I'm stressed because of what I have been through and because of work. He is so patient and nice and kind, he listens, helps me to rationalise, but I find it so hard to accept him being so nice and kind. What is wrong with me??? I always wanted somebody kind, loving and supportive, and he is all that and even more, yet I don't know how to take in all the nicety (is that even a word??).
Even though I have been sleeping more, I am sooo tired all the time and grumpy and clumsy and snappy and frustrated. I have been meditating fairly regularly and I should feel better but I just don't know, it's almost like I'm having a delayed reaction to the stress and abuse I had with BPDX. I was doing so so well and was so happy until he started bombarding me about 5 weeks ago. He was contacting me for 2 weeks solid, really turning my brain to mincemeat, and things just haven't been the same since. It's like it made me emotionally retarded. I don't know how else to put it.
I just feel so frustrated that I am in a relationship with a nice, kind, loving man, no red flags so far, (and trust me, I'm watching like a hawk), he doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, not a 'charmer', just an honest, decent bloke, and I turned into an emotional retard. Why is it hard to be in a normal relationship after all the rubbish?? I finally have a relationship I always wanted and I just don't know what to do with it. I almost wished he shouted at me or something, because that's what I'm used to, but I don't want that anymore!
Arghhh!! Any advice?
Thanks!
I was married to exN for less than 2 years but we were together for 6 years. He turned out to be an alcoholic, cheated, lied and messed me about, got abusive, raped me once and left a week after I was made redundant. He remained nasty throughout the divorce and I have nothing to do with him anymore.
BPDX is my most recent ex, the first serious relationship after exN, we were together for 1.5 years, lived together for 1 year, he was Jerkyll and Hyde, mentally and emotionally abusive, threatening, screaming and yelling at me for no reason, a control freak, twisting my words and my mind, very impatient, a total hypocrite). He pretty much left me alone for 2 month after I moved out (begining of June, I broke up with him in March but had to carry on living with him till the begining of June until my living arrangements were sorted) not much apart from a couple of SMSs, but he started bombarding me with over 100 SMSs, phone calls and emails 2-3 weeks before he was due to go back to the States, telling me that he has changed, he loves me, he would never hurt me again, he wants to be with me, promising me heaven and the earth, begging me to give him another chance. He totally messed up my head again but I refused to meet up with him (I wish I never responded in the first place!!) and he now left. He sent me a couple of emails since but I did not respond, deleted his emails and spammed him so he can't email me again from that email address. I hope he'll leave me alone now.
So here I am now. I don't know how I feel about life. I find it hard to accept and love myself. And I find it even harder to have a boyfriend who seems to love and accept me for me. I wasn't really looking for a relationship and was just happy being alone, then I met a guy and we just talked a lot and got on well great. He was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years (that finished 4 years ago) and he had similar experiences with getting headf*cked, blamed for her behaviour, hypocrisy, verbal abuse, etc. so he knows where I have been. We are on the same wavelength, he doesn't judge me, he is gentle and kind and makes me feel comfortable and accepted. He makes me laugh and I can talk to him about absolutely anything. And I fancy him (but I have been feeling rubbish about myself lately so shut that side off, but he never pressures me). I 'mess up' occasionally and snap at him or make a mistake and apologise; I expect him to be mad or shout at me like exN and or BPDX used to, or get impatient with me, but he never does; when I explain that I don't know why I feel so strange, he talks to me and listens, and just tells me that I'm stressed because of what I have been through and because of work. He is so patient and nice and kind, he listens, helps me to rationalise, but I find it so hard to accept him being so nice and kind. What is wrong with me??? I always wanted somebody kind, loving and supportive, and he is all that and even more, yet I don't know how to take in all the nicety (is that even a word??).
Even though I have been sleeping more, I am sooo tired all the time and grumpy and clumsy and snappy and frustrated. I have been meditating fairly regularly and I should feel better but I just don't know, it's almost like I'm having a delayed reaction to the stress and abuse I had with BPDX. I was doing so so well and was so happy until he started bombarding me about 5 weeks ago. He was contacting me for 2 weeks solid, really turning my brain to mincemeat, and things just haven't been the same since. It's like it made me emotionally retarded. I don't know how else to put it.
I just feel so frustrated that I am in a relationship with a nice, kind, loving man, no red flags so far, (and trust me, I'm watching like a hawk), he doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, not a 'charmer', just an honest, decent bloke, and I turned into an emotional retard. Why is it hard to be in a normal relationship after all the rubbish?? I finally have a relationship I always wanted and I just don't know what to do with it. I almost wished he shouted at me or something, because that's what I'm used to, but I don't want that anymore!
Arghhh!! Any advice?
Thanks!
Are you in counselling? I can really recommend it if you find a good therapist. I only go once per month but it really helps validate my feelings.
You have been through hell with the two relationships you talked about and it really does mess with your head. You doubt yourself all of the time (well I do). However I am trying to feel my feelings, I am reading alot and it is hard as It does make me feel sad BUT and it is a big BUT it is a very necessary thing to go through the pain and rise out the other side fully whole.
Again if you havn't read Robin Norwoods book then I can fully recommend it
I read Women who love too much, perhaps I should read it again! I am reading Why does he do that by Lundy Bankroft but like you said, it is really hard to read it sometimes! I read some and then I would be feeling down and depressed for days.
I am in therapy, although my therapist is moving and I haven't seen her this month. I used to see her every two weeks since Feb and she really helps a lot. She did a couple of EMDR Sessions to help me through the PTSD BPDX's treatment left me with, and that helped but things got bad again when he started contacting me. The second session was to help me get over my grandmother's abusive treatment, but that is so deep-seated that one session didn't help and even though the 'brought me back to my safe place', I almost felt worse since. There is so much to work on. My grandmother's abuse behaviour (I think she is borderline just like BPDX was), I was raped when I was 13 and I blamed myself for that for almost 20 years; only recently started to realise that it wasn't my fault but I still feel tainted and dirty and damaged goods.
I'm just so fed up sometimes, feels like I'll never get to the bottom of it and I'll never be 'normal', whatever that is. Sometimes I feel frustrated and angry, and wonder what I would be like if my dad wouldn't have been hitting me and shouting and putting me down from the age of 2 - 14, if I wasn't raped when I was 13, witnessed another girl being raped when I was 13 (she was 14) sexually abused when I was 18, having an abusive borderline and histrionic grandmother, a string of relationships with pathological men, raped by my ex husband, and my last relationship with a borderline, histrionic, controlling, abusive man was just the icing on the cake. What would I be like if I didn't go through all that??? I feel grief that I will never know that person who I would have been without all the verbal, mental, sexual and physical abuse.
I feel grief for the person i could have been too, without all this baggage. and when it comes down too it, and im depressed and i think, i believe everyone has someone out there that will love them no matter what, and them be loved in return.
i worry about how i act, what i say, about my issues and problems, working thorugh my past, my pain. what will he think, will i end up alone because of this? and here is the conclusion i come to.
IT DOESNT MATTER. because if im hurt, then im hurt, so what. if im angry, so ive been through some shit and have issues. so f*ing what. if you love me you love me anyway... even if i want to be crazy and cry and throw things. that i should just be myself, whoever that may be at the time.
what i told my ex before i left him, he was a nice guy, not abusive, was that if you had to censor yourself at home, you shouldnt be with them. because he said he always had to watch what he said so he wouldnt accept me. and i told him i wasnt the one for him then.
try not to worry about this new guy. focus on yourself, and appreciate he is there. dont worry about the future. be honest with him, and spend time away from him too.
learning to accept niceties is hard. mine keeps trying to take me shopping and give me anxiety attacks.
but start by being able to say thank you when someone gives you a compliment. just simply thank you, and dont feel guilty for not saying ten ssomethings nice about them back. eventually you will be ok. just stay calm. and there is a such thing as too nice as well, keep that in mind. sometimes when coming from a relationship with an abusive partner, we can go the opposite end of the spectrum with the too nice guys, also too passive, and for me, if someone is too passive, i become aggressive, and i hate it, but i do.
just be kind to yourself. give yourself time, and dont feel guilty for grieving, it does not make you weak. everyone deserves to say poor me once in a while, as long as you know that when you are done, you will pick yourself up and move on. usually a break down would/will only fuel my guilt higher, make me hate myself more, look at me, sitting her crying like this, broken, weak. i bet so and so wouldnt be like this, why is it so hard to deal with these simple decisions, then i get mad at my mom, at all those who hurt me all over again, and eventually it passes, until its triggered again.
but im learning to allow myself these breakdowns, that its ok to feel this way, and i honestly dont think i can completely move on from this, until i really be ok with feeling it.
just hang in there, and enjoy what you can in the good moments.
It's nice to be in a good relationship but like you say, it's a process and you have to take it one day at the time.
Dracona, thank you for your response, that really helps!
For years, we have been the family doormats. People come and wipe the crap from there boots and leave us covered in the remnants of what should have been their issues. The mud dries and we dust it off but then the rain comes and the deeply impeded dirt makes its way to the surface. We must focus on the deep cleaning to restore the beauty that once was and still is... just covered in a bit of grime.
The reason we struggle to accept love and kindness is because we do not feel worthy. It is a wound that we must address. We feel unworthy because we have accepted responsibility for the actions, definitions, and stupidity of others...not because of who we are or what we have done. We all entitled to be treated with love and respect but when we feel unworthy we are constantly waiting for that proverbial ax to fall.
We have work to do...it is a difficult road but you are a beautifully strong and resilient woman.
Much love to you
Rayvyn, thank you so much for your wise thoughts!! Your doormat analogy is so profound, it is just how it is! Sometimes I can't see the beauty and all I see is the grime. If I practice enlightened self-interest (as my therapist calls it) I feel guilty and selfish. I am trying not to; I am trying to look after myself and look out for myself. Yes, often I don't feel worthy and I think, all my family did was criticise me. Why would a 'stranger' love me for who I am? Clearly they don't know me! My mother said when I was 18 that I'm such a horrible person that nobody is going to love me for me. I spent years trying to be something I'm not. Then I thought, if people don't like me, they don't like me because they don't like who I am pretending to be. They might like the real me... So I thought, sod them, I will just be me, at least if they don't like me, I know it is the real me they don't like, not a fake, pretentious person. And I don't like everyone either (although I must say that my tolerance is EXTREMELY high, there aren't many people - if any - whom I don't like, and even then they had to do something pretty bad to get me to that state... I don't just dislike someone for no reason, but I wish I did, because then maybe my instincts would be protecting me from mixing with people that are bad for me...). I am trying to be me but I don't know if I am being me. Sometimes I know I am not being me. Mostly I don't even know who I am and who the real me is. Is there such a thing? We meet people and they shape us. So if we adapt something that's still us, right?
My mum apologised years later for saying that nobody is going to love me for me because I am such a horrible person, but it left me feeling with low self-esteem and unlovable. I know she was not right. She told me she was not right. I don't believe what she said. But it affected me on a deep level and I don't know how to remove that effect. This seems to be a big issue for me; I know that some people did or said somethings to me that were horrible and really crushed me, and I know they were wrong. It's not even the forgiving that's an issue, it's the forgetting and not believeing those things they said / how they made me feel anymore. Anyone has the same problem?
My mother has told me my entire life that unconditional love does not exist and that all love comes with conditions. After having children of my own, I realized how twisted my mother's perception of love was. My mother was not able to give me what i needed because she was not able to give it to herself but I learned to give it to myself because of the innocent love that my children bestowed upon me. They were truly a gift ... teaching the lessons of love that my heart longed for. We are born in love, it is fear that we learn and, unfortunately, we have had some pretty awesome teachers. Their distorted perceptions do not have to be ours. So who are you? Are you love? Are you compassion? Begin to discover you and list your positive character traits...not what you do...but who you are. Here are a few to get you started:
Honest
Courteous
Responsible
Compatible
Loyal
Enthusiastic
Open-minded
Patient
Courageous
Open your journal and discover the woman that you are and the gifts you have been given but do not avoid the shadow of your fear ...it shapes you too. You must face those fears to discover that they are not as ominous as you once believed. It is an unbelievable journey....let us walk with you.
Thank you to all of you responding to my post, for listening, for the helpful, kind and thoughtful answers! You are all so amazing, thank you so much for your help and support and for being there!
Big hugs,
A xx