some people say it get's really bad right before the moment you let go....just keep going....

there are things you can do for yourself to ease the pain and insanity and rumination......

I have a theory, MissMom, and that is, if you are refusing to quickly replace the bad relationship with another equally bad or worse relationship, you will pine away for some time for the relationship you left (or who left you). As well, if this person left you for someone else, or cheated on you (and you left out of self-preservation) there is a high likelihood that you are going through a lot of post-traumatic stress in this.

Right now you are trying to build a healthier sense of self, so you have wisely chosen to stay single until this has been achieved (obviously I am making an assumption here). As you work through this, you might have emotional relapses, depending on the degree on trauma you went through. It sucks, I'm sorry :-(

miss mom what are you doing to keep the focus on yourself on a daily basis??

i also think it's does or i should say it did get harder for me the more time that passed b/c REALITY was setting in that it really was over and it really wasn't about him at all.

i might suggest you go to baggage reclaim and read more about fantasy......

maybe you could make a goal to do one nice thing foryrouself every single day without fail despite the pain?? this is what worked for me..

Nothing is wrong with you at all!!! It takes time and I guess the no contact thing only becomes very effective when we stop waiting for them to change their mind and call us or text whatever.. I know I wasted so much time hoping that he would reach out.. Now that I think I have finally accepted that I will never hear from him again I think it is a little easier to not engage in any hoping, rationalizing etc...

Big hug :)

Ok. Artgirl - Your theory hits home. It's not that I have a pattern of healing from a break up by replacing the man. But I suppose I seek attention elsewhere to keep me distracted. For me it's the dating site. I just don't have the space to actually go out on dates and invest my emotions for someone else but I do try to distract my thought about him with someone else's attention. Guess what. It's not working. All I'm doing is comparing every single one of these guys to him. IT SUCKS.
Finn - yes I have been seeing my therapist a few times since the break up, also working on some other stuff that connects to the break up indirectly. Ive been reading a lot and generally taking care of myself. Working out, etc. I am not in a bad state, let me just make that clear. My 6 year old keeps me busy and happy. My work keeps me moving and motivated. I'm in no way down in the dumps , but yes, ruminating. It's maddening. I am just royally fed up of him. I guess I still can't believe he let me go...maybe I should just step off my high horse huh? lol
sigh...

Knowing they've moved on (i.e. they are not pursuing us) can be brutal. Of course, the alternative to this would be for them to be stalking us, which is obviously not good--but it's a quick way to kill any residual attraction you might have for that person. But when they've moved on you think, "hmmm, they are over me. And here I am still thinking about them". Then, of course, there is that sense of abandonment that comes along with this.

I totally hear you on the dating site scenario. I did that a lot, too, it was like spreading the Ikea catalog out and perusing the options. It is an escape, too--it has a distracting quality to it. It's always interesting to see how people are marketing themselves. I have come to think of dating sites as homes to for the desperate....where someone is openly admitting their loneliness and have come to the point where they have exhausted their immediate environment. If my current relationship ended, I doubt I'd go back on. I went on almost immediately after my husband and I separated and would drop out and rejoin a million times. I did make some good platonic friends, though. I am wondering if I was in the right psychological state to meet a healthy man? Perhaps not, so I shouldn't be so quick to dismiss that meeting place as an option.

not saying you SHOULD consider this.... just posting the thought...

12 step circles generally recommend making a commitment to NOT DATE or COMMIT to anyone OR make any rash decisions or major life changes for at least a year.

it is to clear away all the clutter and keep the focus on yourself. you commit to your recovery. as soon as you are out there again you are distracted again and i would say this delays the inevitable for love addicts........

just a thought on dating.

You know before this last one, I was single for almost 2 years- since the last time I was here on this forum agonizing over the last idiot. Single and celibate by choice. I took the time to cleanse and purge.
I even stayed away from the dating site. I got back on the site in March and met him in April and I was READY. SOOOOOO READY.
Yeah.
Not 3 months later I'm back here.
What's a girl to do?

only you can decide what the right next steps for you are....but staying celibate and single by choice isn't enough. a commitment to healing yourself, digging deep, getting uncomfortable, sticking with it, grieving old stuff.... for me it was a painful but MOST rewarding commitment......i worked my ass off.......