and you are sunny. you already are working on yourself. disliking yourself or disapproving of yourself isn't going to help.

you need love and self acceptance. and a way to tolerate him through detachment. while you work on yourself and get strong enough to leave. it's all a process.

yes I get it.

Its funny my daughter said to him the other day that she thought he had ADD as he is never fully paying attention….and very forgetful, can't concentrate….he said it had been mentioned before by a therapist he went to see with his wife.

If that is the case and he isn't deliberately being forgetful or making me feel he doesn't care enough to listen to me then it makes some sense. maybe he should have mentioned it when we met eh!!! He agreed it was all true and he fits the profile.

I have read a lot about ADd/ADHD and it makes a lot of sense, Im wary of putting him in this category and understand his actions still upset me for whatever reason he has.
its all spinning around in my head today.

If it is the case I am almost hoping it is - it makes so much sense with the way he is and how he treats me with disinterest and the feeling that he's not really listening which upsets me and makes me feel rubbish. The jumping up to do things while we have just started something else.
His 'diagnosis' started when his sisters son got diagnosed with ADHD - as everyone had been saying how alike they are!
The starting projects, the going off on the spur of the moment, the butting in ongoing conversations with something random, the turning up the radio when I am talking, his inappropriate blurting of comments to strangers - he thinks he's being friends but its just creepy, the forgetfulness, the inability to learn anything, his lack of concentration - he can't read a book and never has, his constant fidgeting wit his feet which drives me nuts. If he has something o his mind he gets hyper-focused on it and nothing else matters….

yes and all these things make me feel awful and I find it so hard to live with.
but he tries to be kind and caring to me but I am so irritated with all the above I and shitty with him…so I feel like th bad guy. He seems totally oblivious to how annoying he is! Thats what makes me so tired.

i would think this would help you detach and not take things personally if you can think of him as having add he really can't help it *his attention and focus and impulsivity* if it is. i am very compassionate with my nephew as he has severe attention issues. it's very hard though at times. he cannot help it. and treating him like he can only makes him feel horrible about himself. he's very bright and super funny. he's found other ways to compensate. however he has ethics and doesn't treat people poorly. that is a choice or another personality issue not add. he is not cold or mean or disrespectful or discounting or invalidating.

there would be a delicate balance here sunny to beware of b/c you don't want to go blaming yourself for his bad behavior. add is not about trying to hurt you or bad behavior.my nephew almost you can see how badly he feels if he does something impulsive or if he says something inappropriate he will pause and apologize or acknowledge that that's not what he meant or wanted. i'm pretty sure your husband is unapologetic...

yes he is unapologetic Finn, but he is completely oblivious to how his actions are hurtful. If I explain to him how hurtful things are he does say he's sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me. Im sure he doesn't mean to be deliberately upsetting me but he doesn't understand what he does. I know his last wife insisted he also have a test for Aspergers, but Im sure its not that, there is definitely something….but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Like yesterday he went to our old house as we still have an office there, I followed him in my car and we were to spend the day packing up and clearing out the house while his office manager worked in the office there. He sent her a text to say can you bring me ( himself) some lunch ! I had already offered to pack us all up sandwiches etc but he said no we will go out to the cafe. …so when office manager turns up with lunch for two of them I said why didn't you say I was here too? ( bear in mind I usually cook lunch every day for us all, including office manager lady) He said I just didn't think of that! He knew I was going to be there but didn't think of me needing lunch?! I was driving right behind him…?! See I dont get that, I know it seems petty of me but he does things like this every day many times a day…it made me sad and I just went home. sod him.
But when I explained to him later how hurtful that was and how it made me feel so uncared for he said he was sorry and didn't realise - he usually says I am over-sensitive.

All day I have to repeat myself to him. He never seems to take any information in. He says I need to get his attention first then speak….but it doesn't seem to help much. He will still ask me the same thing later.

I don't know where Im going with this really.
I did say to him when I was telling him how sad it made me that he didn't think of me needing lunch ( even though he had said we were going out to the cafe) I said we will find ourselves in counselling if he doesn't take my comments seriously. He refused to go after the first session with his last wife as he said it was all about his faults!

so anyway here I am sad again and confused. I don't feel he's deliberately malicious and spiteful all of the time so thats why Im a bit stuck in this place.
I did have a bit of a cry on the way home yesterday, the realisation that he will keep on hurting me sinking in….
I know I am over sensitive though but still.

sunny....your journey is
1. radical acceptance of him as he is no expectations.
2. can you still live with that??
3. if not, then get out.
4. if so, then work on detachment.

he is who he is. he has been who he is. he isn't going to change. whether he has ADD or narcissism or aspergers or sociopathy or some other issue unknown......he is defensive and blaming and deflects like crazy.

your reactions to him are yours. your resentment towards him is yours.

i see you trying to make this better still. you can try for another 10 years but our task if we want to get well is decide what is in our best interest each day. we have to accept life on life's terms. i can try to explain how to work on radical acceptance and detachment if you want to talk or do some coaching and thought clearing on Skype IM me....

stay focused if you can dear heart. detachment. radical acceptance. i say this to you not to be blunt but because sunny i spent most of my life trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. analyzing and wanting and hoping and wishing for change. i went to grad school to figure it out. i researched and studied and went to therapy for my entire adult life.....it wasn't until i learned about mindfulness that i learned it had all been a waste of time. it kept me from focusing on and healing my pain. stay focused on your grief and healing...let him go sunny. let him be who he is and work on your responses to him. the more expectations you have of him the more you will be disappointed. surrender sister!!

he says to me: ''why are you so critical of me? I don't judge you, I love you as you are, I love your faults, I love everything about you."

why am I so critical? why can't I accept him as he is? I don't know. I was happier when I focused on my life that seems to have slipped away again lately….
I am still waiting for therapy….
and for treatment on my hips, its a 15 weeks wait.
but I have made steps to get these things sorted - everything takes so damn long!!!

Im trying to focus on my daughter…she's so great! She has her own car now, a job and is off to uni in september! She thinks that ADHD may be her issue too, they are very alike!

I love your post though Finn. I need to keep on reading it. Its not decision time for me yet.

okay sunny. i have a great book for your daughter...it's called

you mean i'm not lazy, stupid or crazy by kate kelly....for adults with add.

you can maybe get it on tape for her if listening would help.... it's very real. i also have a book written by a freidnd of mind called born to freak by sarah seidelmann. she has add and she is a physician, turned shaman life coach....she's amazing. she makes it something to celebrate not something to be ashamed of.....very fun book.

if what i wrote helps keep reading it...

sunny it's not that you CAN'T accept him it's that you don't know how probably. radical acceptance is still a process and we have to apply it a million times a day forever. it doesn't come easy. what we do is picture a fork in the road and every time we start heading down the same old road we turn our minds and our bodies and our willingness toward the path of acceptance. it's a decision. you can do several things if there was a car in the bottom of your pool in your backyard. you can freak out and react and get really upset. you can ignore that it's there or you can accept that for whatever reason there is a car in the bottom of your pool. the sooner you can accept that fact the sooner you can take action to getting the tow company to haul it out of there.... does it matter why there was a car in your pool??? does it help if you curse at it or hate it or stomp your feet about it?? no that just wastes energy and time. the fact remains the car is there.

so next time something happens that you do't want to accept see if you can write it down and write down your choices..... literally take the time to write down all of your choices.. and then start to turn your mind toward the path of least resistance. the one that accepts the facts of the matter. not your interpretations of the matter but the actual facts. very business like. what are the actual facts. probably not that your husband hurt your feelings by forgetting to mention to assistant that you were there for lunch but on tesday may 20th at 12:00 my husband told his assistant to purchase lunch for himself and for her. there ewas no lunch available for me. i figured out my own lunch. those are the facts no.???? well you can be angry and hurt and interpret that to mean that he dons' love you and never considers you or even that he did it on purpose. you can fight the entire day and go to bed mad. but in the morning your feelings will still be hurt. or you could ignore all of it or you can accept the facts and not take it personally, adding your own interpretations. with a clear mind you can sit down and take action. you can tell him that felt crumby to feel left out of lunch and you'd prefer it if he not change plans that already existed without discussing it with you from now on.

you see sunny, a million choices a day. right now i think you are adding your own interpretations to his behaviors which is actually what is causing you pain. it's not his actions that are hurting you it's how you interpret them.......this is your work. your resentment and anger is yours alone. he does not make you do or feel anything. you own your feelings. you own your reactions. it's not about not feeling hurt or ignoring or invalidating your emotions rather it's about checking the facts and figuring out how your own interpretations are hurting you......if you can stop that you will find peace....

here is how you check the facts of any given situation?? from emotion regulation in your book: DBT by marsha linehan.

what is the emotion i want to change??
what is the event prompting my emotional reaction?
what are my interpretations, thoughts and assumptions about the event?
am i assuming a threat??
--really what is the likelihood that that will happen?
--think of as many other possible interpretations as possible..
what's the worst catastrophe that could happen????
does my emotion and it's intensity actually fit the facts of what's happened??

sunny if you want me to take you through the ER next time something happens that is upsetting i'd be happy to just PM me...

Finn you are so right.
I need to re read this again to comment, but thanks so much, its so true!
I am my own worst enemy!!

I have thought about this and you are right. Its about my responses and also my expectations. He had said he would take me out for lunch. In reality its no big deal, so he got caught up in work and forgot about me….Im a big girl, I just went off and had lunch with my daughter. it was waaaay nicer anyway!!!

I think I still have elements of fantasy in my head too - and expectation. I do not react appropriately.
I think its just the amount of times he does this to me in a day ya know. Yesterday he rang me and arranged to meet up for lunch and a walk ( we are in dif houses for the day at the mo.) then by the end of the conversation had decided it wasn't a good idea and he would see me later….?! Its so confusing and annoying. He's processing out loud or something!!!

I will pass those book onto Meg too. Thanks for that. She's awesome and totally takes on board any help with her own self. I will miss her when she goes to uni! She's also beyond annoying sometimes too…very argumentative! but it all ends happily somehow., despite the row.

the biggest thing i would tweak sunny is being hard on yourself about any and all of it. you do not react inappropriately!! you react how you react and you react for very good reason!! it's just that now you know a new way and you are in the process of learning and changing that up.

there is no sense in being hard on yourself for ANYTHING you have done in life up until this point....when we know better we do better that's all. there is nothing WRONG with anything you do. if you continue to react that's not wrong or bad and there's no judgment at all.....it's something you can choose to do or not. and you will not "GET IT" overnight!! you will continue to react as you begin to notice how you are in your relationship...

sunny it's okay to be angry and annoyed. i know it's confusing. you still get to have your feelings...remember not long ago you weren't even able to determine how you felt?? now you are recognizing you are annoyed or angry or frustrated!! that's progress right?????

honey don't be down on yourself ever... this is about practicing compassion and patience while you are learning new ways to cope in your relationship. you are right where you are meant to be....there is no need to expect perfection...

i see a lot of progress in you!!!! and i don't think you have even celebrated that!! or seen in yourself all of the changes you have made.... you are very strong sunny!! strong an beautiful and human and smart. just the fact that you are now open to seeing your part in everything is HUGE!!!! take some time to celebrate your achievements........

i really believe with detachment sunny you will feel better emotionally. that is the only reason to do it......not b/c you are wrong or inappropriate or anything else...just so you can feel better....

I can see that finn.
I will work on it over the weekend and report back!
I have my younger daughter here this weekend until Wednesday. we are going to have fun making her new room nice, I bought her a really cool new bed! Im making this house how I want it. then we shall see. I can't believe I allowed myself to be so oppressed by him. …he says he's seeing a new side to me and he's impressed. I haven't been waiting for him to fix things I just get on and do it. He said to me yesterday, no Ive don't that I will put your desk together ( I have a lovely oak corner desk I love! its a bugger to move though…) He had a strop a few days before about putting it together - he couldn't use the screwdriver ( he has never used one before and he's 56 jeeez!) but I said - honey its ok I already did it myself. …oh he said so I will put that plug on the microwave for you….I said honey I have done that too - and drilled a hole through the wall so it will go in the pantry now!

Ha his face!

I was so cool about it ! Hell this girl can do anything!!!
lol!!!
high five girls!
xxx

hell YA!!!

OK so emotional responses - I have been working on that!

We were just sitting as a family after lunch, he sent a text to a teacher who works for him called Kamila ( he gives her a lift to work sometimes as its a 40 min drive. ) Whenever I am in the car he does this thing where he turns the radio up when I start to speak….drives me nuts. So I say to him, so Kamila again eh, you probably spend more time alone with her these days that me. Do you ignore her when she speaks too and turn up the radio?! He says - no I always listen to her and never turn up the radio , that would be rude. He was perfectly serious. He didn't understand when my daughters gasped and left the table. I said oh charming, so whats so interesting about her? You don't listen to me, and ALWAYS turn up the radio?!

So what would have been a better reaction?!

and how do I react to him not saying goodbye when he goes out, or hello when he comes in? I find this very strange. I always have to call him back and make him kiss me and say goodbye and what he's doing. Im not his keeper but he could just say bye Im just popping to the bank or something.
I always find it hurtful he just goes out…

ok so I asked him about the just going off thing without saying goodbye…he said he is already just focussed and thinking about the next thing he is doing…