That is so mental abuse. Maybe you can go to counseling (just you for now). Your self esteem has really taken a beating. The problem isn't you, it's him. He just wants you to feel bad so he can feel better. So sorry to hear your pain. Do you belong to a good church? I know when my ex and I split up, church really helped me get thru it.

sunny just remember that moving is one of the top stressors in life...whenever we get stressed out we revert back to our old coping behaviors and our old shitty behaviors (on his part) as a way to cope with stress.....

and try to remember that his turning his back on you has nothing to do with you. it's his abusive bullshit. it means nothing about you.

the four agreements is a really good book that talks about not taking things personally. if you can do that you will find peace. if you can put the crappy behavior back where it belongs on him you'll find freedom from the torture. maybe you could even shift it some for youserlf. YOU could try to turn your back and turn out the light one night without saying anything. find a way to take your power back sunny!!!! otherwise you are giving it all to him and he is counting on that and taking advantage of that......

sunny, a little coaching??? when he turns his back on you and turns out the light and you hate that so much, what are you making that mean????

The back turning - well he has always told me he knew his last marriage was over as all he got was her turned back….so I suppose it means that to me as I am thinking it means that to him…!

as for moving - I know its stressful but I would like a little help with things. He hasn't done a thing. not packed one box or moved one thing. He sits on his fat arse and watches me. I ask him to help and he suddenly gets busy with work. so anyway I try and rise above it and get on….I love this new house, its got a great vibe. I am very aware that I contribute to my own unhappiness and am trying to create a different life style for myself.
Especially now I have my wings back!!!!!
x
katle - I have just relocated here about 18 months ago. Haven't found my feet yet.

Hi Finn I love The Four Agreements, its one of my favourites and on my bookshelf. Should be given to every 18 year old in the world, would save them so much heartache and pain.

i do wish i had gotten a book list when i was 18!! that's a fine idea butter!!

sunny, talk to him. tell him that's your fear. check it out with him. you are right now assuming that he means the marriage is over whenever he turns his back because he said that once. why not ask him?? what have you got to lose?? we get into trouble when we try to interpret and assume people mean things they may not mean. it may be his way of closing himself off for the night.....it could mean 100 things.... inquire with curiosity may be a good exercise for you...... it's still his behavior that you are making assumptions about and taking personally.

i guess the thought i had was that you have tolerated him and his behavior all these years and you can't expect him to change and become helpful when all along he has had expectations of you to take care of things. and you are doing it after all. not requiring more from him. i'm sorry sunny, it's classic codependency.

i'm glad you have your wings!! that's amazing strength. it's going to take time for him to adjust to the changes int eh system. he will buck like crazy!! he will balk and refuse and test like mad before he gives in to your new requirements....he's not just going to change b/c you have become stronger.....

yes Finn you are spot on.
I know.

He has always sat and watched me and I have always moaned about it. I think he is basically a lazy person, he would rather throw something away than take the time and effort to fix it.

I have been awake on and off all night. He was telling me before he went to sleep how horribly I speak to him. Finn he makes me so cross! SO frustrated! I know I speak to him in a unpleasant way sometimes.

I have to repeat myself all the time, he doesn't seem to take anything in and I get so frustrated that he asks me the same things, and the children get cross with him too. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about anything I say. I feel like I am a horrible person to be with, always getting frustrated with him. I don't get angry, just short and find myself saying ' but I told you this twice already!'…..ten times a day!!!


How could I react better to him.?

Im getting on with the house packing - he says why should I help when the majority of the stuff is yours anyway!! grrrr

so frustrating i know!!!! it even sounds frustrating. i can place myself in your shoes and i've had it!!!

i think since you've chosen to stay you could take this as a major challenge to your personal growth. learn how teach yourself how to detach. learn how not to take it personally.....the fact that he's not paying attention when you speak has nothing to do with you sunny. it doesn't mean you are unworthy. it simply means he is not listening or paying attention. he is taking you for granted. and the kids. he is skating through life.

if YOU change what you are doing and how you respond to him the system then HAS TO CHANGE. it automatically will b/c it has to....it cannot continue on the same old track if one person changes the way they respond. so change it up. change how you respond. the next time he turns his back on you in bed go sleep on the couch or cry and wail out loud or laugh or turn your back on him and be the first to turn the light out,. don't say a word.

i sometimes would strip if my husband was mad at me. just spontaneously while listening to him berate me i would start to take off my clothes and then i would sit on the bed or the couch in my underwear... by the time he realized what i was doing i had to change it up again b/c at first he would stop and laugh and then he started getting more angry. but it changed the dynamic...

experiment. make a plan. don't engage. don't personalize. leave in your car. be calm. remain calm. disengage. turn on some soothing music and start dancing. throw the system into shock. you don't have many choices to change this dynamic between you. by choosing to stay with it you are the ultimate victim forever frurstated knowng you hate it and deserve better. when you throw himoff balance the system cannot stay the same. get creative. let's make a list of things you could do.......

just plan on packing and moving the family and throw yourself into it.

learn how to detach sunny....you'll have to to save your sanity as long as you stay. you have a car!! you did that!!!! within like a week or two you went from not being able to ask for a car to having a car of your own and decorating it...........

you can do this.....dilute whatever he says. let it roll off your back. take your power back sunny!!!!!!!!!!!! we can help you!!!!!

I love that you got undressed thats so good!!
Lazt time he turned his back on me I sat up in bed and turned on my kindle. I dont have a light on my side! !! I thought sod him then!
I dont like being an unkind person...Im going to try and detach more. I can do this!
Xxx. And if i cant then Im getting naked!

you CAN do this sunny!!! you absolutely can learn to detach in a healthy way...

http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Non-Attachment

http://www.wikihow.com/Detach-from-Someone

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Emotionally-Detached

codependent no more by melody beattie chapter 5 page 55 detachment. chapter 6 page 65 don't be blown about by every wind.

i know what you said about this being too godly of a book but she describes detachment so beautifully.

in language of letting go by above author page 305 detaching with love october 20th...

sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. we react. they react. before long, we're all reacting to each other and the problem escalates.

when do we detach?? when we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. when we get hooked into a power play--an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. when the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. when the way we're reacting is hurting us.

ofren, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely or possible thing to do.

the first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. the next step is getting peaceful--getting centered and restoring our balance.

take a walk. leave the room. go to a meeting. take a long hot bath. call a friend. (do some art) (listen to music) (take your car out) call on god. breathe deeply. find peace. from that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

today, i will surrender and trust that the answer is near...

YES SUNNY YOU CAN DETACH!!!! it's the first step in recovering from codependency. an underlying skill for all recovery..

thanks Finn.

It really helps me to know exactly what I need to do - there seems to be so much to take in, so your clarification of where to start is brilliant!
I know Ive been here before so I will focus on this !
xx

Yes, if you are not willing to leave I also agree with the idea of detaching. Do things for yourself. Step away to gain perspective. The way he treats you is just not acceptable. I know it's hard because I'm sure he can be very nice and loving sometimes. But you deserve better. x

Hi goingup.
I was just talking about this yesterday in the hairdressers.
I know what you say is true but somehow it leaves no reaction in me. I have no feelings either way about him. So I feel like Im waiting for some sort of emotion to kick in for me. I think one day he will do something that tips me over the edge but right now I feel numb.
Im waiting for therapy and have been talking to my GP about these things.
Im confused why I don't feel anything.
It makes me feel lazy and complacent, I don't think thats who I am though.

GAWd sake, how do I detach from this?!
I booked people to move us on the 22nd, and paid a deposit.
He has now booked someone else behind my back and made me cancel the guys I had booked.
I am furious inside and struggling to detach….but Im reading the detachment section in the book and deep breathing!!! It feels so under-mining and his way or no way…..

well it IS!! that is ridiculous!! it is mostly abusive stuff. you get to be angry for a moment. the part that may be missing is that you don't get to stay there b/c you are CHOOSING to stay with this man. so you have to then take responsibility for that and accept him for who he is.....the only way you can do THAT AND save yourself is to detach emotionally so you are not a true victim.

sunny learning detachment is a process. you can't expect yourself to all of a sudden be able to do it on a big offense like that....you learn over time. start small....keep it in your mind all the time that is your new goal...

but forgive yourself and be kind to yourself you are just starting to learn about it.....don't expect perfection from yourself....one day at a time....

it's sort of like forgiveness. we forgive for ourselves. you are learning to detach for yourself AND because it's not really fair to stay with him knowing how he is and expecting him to change......

it's the only way you can find peace and recover while you're still in this "sick" relationship...

Im trying to work on my changing, Im pretty sure he won't/can't/doesnt want to!
I have tried to discuss these things with him, there always seems to be some drama coming up which takes up all my energy, something else to get through before Ir early get to grips with this.

I am seeing him for what he is nowadays but Im more shocked with how I am…and baffled by how the hell I got here!!!
Im just not ready to face the leaving part yet.
I want to work on me.