Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
This is similar to an earlier post but somehow different. I am hoping for some insight, if anyone has any.
I am a single mother of a 13 year old who has never married. Last year around February I ran into a neighbor of mine who is a lawyer and I asked him about some legal matter I had. In the same conversation he told me he was separated from his wife of 20 years for about 8 months, which shocked me to the core. Before the conversation was over he asked me if I wanted to go out the following week. I quickly accepted because he is, very handsome and I had not had a relationship in like 10 years. Not once did I consider that this guy was on the rebound or that he was dealing with some heavy emotional trauma or that the divorce is very contentious and he is very bitter about it or that his daughter (14) was being affected deeply by all of it. I just dove right in and started a full blown love affair with him. At first it was he who was interested and pursued me, then within a month I became possessed and could not stop thinking and needing to be with him. Right around that same time, he became less and less available and his time became very limited. And that's when the brake ups and make ups started. They would last for only days, a week at most because I couldn't bare being without him, even if the time he gave me was so limited. This "relationship" has been nothing but heartache, pain, frustration, neglect, despair AND elation, euphoria, great intimacy, and happiness. We are supposed to be together but for all practical purposes I'm vanished from his life because he says nobody can know about us until after the divorce is final, and after his daughter gets lots and lots of therapy. That can take years!
I'm living in a crazy world of yearning for this guy and being physically sick, and obsessing over him. He keeps saying he is not emotionally available and that it was irresponsible of him to start a relationship with me before being fully healed from his marriage ending. He also does not let me move on by saying he is not ready to let me go and that he cares deeply about me, that he does not know if we'll end up married, as friends, or just neighbors, but to give it time. It's confusing and depressing and I don't handle this well at all, so I have discorved vodka for the first time, which is very worrisome.
Walking away from the relationship seems out of the question because (at least in my mind) he is everything I ever wanted in a man: funny, smart, sucessful, good looking, great in bed, very loyal, and very sweet and kind. He is also extremely self involved and is always needing "me" time, which is part of the reason his marrige failed, and he suspect he is a borderline alcoholic, although he would never admit it. Right now we taking time away from each other because I wrote him an email clearly stating all his shortcomings (how self involved he is, problems with alcohol, etc) and that made him very angry. He emailed me back that he needed "time to see if we should be in a relationship "right now". I wrote back, that perhaps is best we just ended and move on. He says he is not ready for that. Meanwhile I'm obsessing like crazy. And what's worse, he lives ACROSS THE STREET, which means I have to see him all the time coming and going. Besides all the usual advise of I need to (take care of myself, focus on myself, take inventory of what my life has become because of him), I don't know how feel stable. I need ratical action or my life is going straight to the toilet. And I can't share any of this with him.
If you have found something that has helped you deal with all of this, please let me know.
Welcome to the group.
Your situation sounds heartbreaking. The only response I can give you is that he is not only NOT ready to be in a relationship but he has told you this. You have only one option and that is to back-off or risk doing something you might really, really regret. My advice is to write another letter and tell him that you don't want to part acrimoniously and that you agree with him that this was rushed and that you both went into it without considering all of the angles. Tell him you're sorry for pointing out all of his faults because they're his faults to correct and not for you to try to change him in this regard. It's up to him to recognize and change what needs to be changed on his own. Then, let him know that you're "letting him go" and "thanks for the memories" etc. If this thing is meant to happen, it will happen but only when he is ready. So yeah, you've got to let go.
Know that life without him will not be the end. I know that it majorly sucks seeing him go out to work every day. Try to do something else at that time, do everything in your power to avoid him. It'll be tough be you can do this.
Hang in there.
Artgrrl
Take away as much temptation as you can bare. Deleting his email address and emails and his phone number. If that is too much, block his number on your cell so you won't know when he calls.
Don't beat yourself up if you slip up. Try to encourage yourself. Maybe even reward yourself for progress. But don't punish yourself if you struggle. Think of how you would treat a good friend when dealing with yourself.
Don't apologize for criticizing him. You spoke the truth, pointing out problems.
I do understand how our problems can be overwhelming for our friends if it's an intense situation and all we can talk about.. I mean, we want caring and understanding and that's sometimes hard to get from a therapist, but yes, it can wear out friends, too so online support forums can be a lifesaver. In a previous relationship of mine that was constantly in conflict I would complain constantly to my friends and it burned out a friendship. So coming to this site was great, I was able to get so much support.
I agree it's not good for your kid to be your therapist, but understand how it's easy to do, because you know them well and they you. I talked to my oldest son a few times when I was going through problems with his dad and then with the subsequent boyfriend and regret it, but it happens. It's good you recognize that now
Take care