Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I'm new to this group and just started reading the book this week.
I find that the book is filled with how to identify if you fall into the category of women who love too much. But really lacks in specific things to do instead.
I found the recovery chapter irritating. Anyone else feel like it lacks information?
"Get Help" I was fully hoping that the book would... Along with hoping that each story would have a list of things to work on if you identified with the story. Anyone can say find a good therapist.
I'm also fuzzy on a few things. I've long been into you can't change other people only yourself and control yourself not other people. And then I get to the section on control.
I truly don't intend to control anyone. And the ways they say women do really bothers me. Please help. Is it just me feeling like it was blanket statments or am I in some kind of denial?
I see ecouragement and praise as very good things. I don't do it in order to try to get people to do what I want. I just see it as nice. And a relationship lacking in encouragement and praise sounds unhappy to me. And the book did not differentiate between one kind of praise and another - just said it was a way to control another person by ecouraging and praising to get what you want. Really? Cause I want both of us happy and growing together. And I don't have a hidden agenda when I encourage or praise my boyfriend.
The advice I'm thinking about more. I'm personally very careful when I give advice to not make it about me and what I want. I like to ask what the person has tried and if they had considered various possibilities. I want to be helpful, not pushy or manipulative. And I fully expect the other person to think for themselves, make their own decision, and not necesarily take my advice. In fact I often give lots of possible ideas, not just one way to go. Given all that I sometimes wonder about when I should only listen and when to make suggestions. Sometimes I ask if the other person wants some ideas or want to figure it out on their own. Is it truly always bad to give advice? Am I skewed in thinking it good at times if given in this way?
And yes, I do want opinions. Please share your thoughts on these things.
Any group that does not encourage critical thought but instead conformative thinking fails to grow and evolve, so with that, constructive criticism and challenging questions regarding the book are welcome. In this group, too, you will find women at all different stages in their journey to self-actualization.
The term "self-actualization" was coined by Maslow in his theory about the hierarchy of needs. The basic theory is that before one experiences "realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone" one has to first have their basic needs fulfilled. This means having shelter, food, love/community, etc. In women who love too much, often basic psychological needs go unmet, because we are so busy meeting the psychological needs of others. Some women (and also men--but since historically women have been acculturated to be much more nurturing than men I am going to focus on the woman here) give much, much more than they take. they short-change themselves in fulfilling their own needs They are too busy trying to take care of others.
Perhaps this isn't truly an issue for you, but I--along with many others--operate in this manner as a default. It has taken us years to not automatically volunteer for the position no one else wants, because we are always that one to step-up. We are perpetual martyrs, always pushing aside our own needs so that others will have their needs met. The purpose of the book is to teach women like that to be able to start being more conscious in what we do--in what we give--and to what degree we "love"/give of ourselves.
The root of such behavior tends to be a tendency to want to avoid confrontation and to seek harmonious relationships through giving. A key way of doing this is to give praise, assuage the ego of the other person--generally-speaking manipulate them. Heck, I do it all the time. This is what makes me one of the most in-demand substitute teachers out there--I praise and flatter the teacher I'm filling in for. I praise and flatter the students in any remote character/personality trait/element of appearance which can reasonably garner praise or flattery. And it does what I want it to do. I'm pretty good at managing people. I'm REALLY good at managing narcissists, too. All those bull-headed students in the class? I have a metaphorical ring in their noses by the end of the day, they'd follow my lead anywhere. And it's all because I know how to manipulate them.
It's a gift. I credit it to my ability to read people well. I know you're probably thinking right now, "this bitch is full of herself". Ha. Gotcha!
But what is wrong with that--manipulating people by making them feel good about themselves? Nothing, except when we become more involved in managing difficult people than having our own basic needs met. As long as we're not stifling our own needs, none of this is really "bad". Sometimes it's survival, in fact (heck, it wasn't my life's goal to be a substitute teacher.).
Since you're just starting the book now, it's possible that you'll initially balk at some of the ideas, but maybe some of them you'll embrace. It's like that with most things, probably. Because humans and human behavior is such a spectrum, there are no absolute formulas (though there are some commonalities and similarities).
I assume you were drawn to the book because of man-troubles--we all were. And, like I said, we're all on a spectrum with that. What we try to do, though, is encourage each other, give honest (though gentle) feedback, and simply be there for whoever is going through a stressful time in their journey toward self-actualization. Ultimately it is the individual themselves who has to make the change--who has to come to the conclusion they need to take certain action, whether it is being more assertive in a relationship, or leaving a relationship which isn't working.
I wish you all the best and again, welcome.
Artgrrl
Because we usually try to jump in and help right away (we can't help it lol). I'm so sorry you had this experience of feeling judged and berated by commenters on an earlier post you'd written. I hope what I'd said earlier on yesterday's post you'd made on the forum didn't sound all judge-ey. I just re-read it and thought it was a bit too advice-oriented though. It's hard to give advice unless someone is getting beat-up or something and then it's pretty easy how to advise because there's only one option there. Anyway, sending positive thoughts xo
I think that everything has to be viewed with discretion. I think what characterizes most WWLTM is being unaware of what healthy relationships and give and take care. Compliments and praise are not a bad thing, but if done to manipulate, or if taken too far, can be. It's this distinction that most WWLTM are unclear about and that is why we need recovery.
In terms of a recovery program, norwood recommends the 12 steps. While there are no longer 12 steps groups for WWLTM, the closest thing available today is Co-dependents Anonymous which I highly recommend. There is also this group.
I agree, and I think it is a big failing of most self-helpbooks for spending 90% of the pages focused on the problem and only 10% on the solution.
I haven't read the book in a few years but I agree that not all compliments are manipulative. It has to be taken with discretion.