Way to go. You're on the right track. The road to recovery starts when you first recognize that there is a problem and that its time to change. Sometimes we make decisions that are good and some are bad, but despite the outcome when learn and grow. One thing that I am learning about love is that it just happens. We have to let it flow. We women can love hard and we do so many things to have that "Love", but as you begin to find yourself and do the things that make you happy and be a good person, love will find you without any effort from yourself. The best thing you can do now is nothing. Let it be. Enjoy yourself and things that make you happy. God Bless!

I really like this post. I think it is really important to know what it is we want so that we can recognize it when it comes our way.

The other day one of my non vitual friends (lol, one in the real world) wrote a blog asking for examples of healthy boundaries. I could not offer her one suggestion because I realized I have never been in a healthy relationship. It was a sobering thought.

Until now. I start by offering myself a healthy relationship. I will not longer critize or condem myself. I will now offer myself forgiveness for all of the mistakes I have made in the past. Perhaps if I start being healthy with myself, all other relationships will follow suit.

So we have the same fantasyman huh?!?! LOL...I loved this post too. If definitely got my mental wheels turning and made me seriously ask myself about what a healthy relationship would look like. Like you, I've never been in one, in fact, I'm not so sure I've even seen more than one in my life. I have those same fantasies; the same wants in another person. But I always wonder how I will behave if I ever find that healthy partner. Will I be able to establish healthy boundaries? Or will I fall into my same old habits? Will I be able to meet that person half way? It's been so "easy" to continue my disfunctinal behaviors when the men in my life were such a screw-ups. I'd love to start improving my friendships first and see if others will follow suit. Thanks!!!

This is a great post, because WWLT much do just that. In reading the book what I experienced was to create this pretend relationship that wasn't based on the two of us. Basically just what I wanted it to be. I created this pretend world and then tried to shove this guy into a mold. When he didn't fit that mold I did everything I could imagine to get him to love me the way I thought (Delusional) it was to be. Like I had any experience at all. My gut told me this wasn't the guy for me over, and over and over again but I became so enmeshed with him that it wasn't until I damn near lost my life 13 years later, that I begged God to help. My higher power what ever people see it as, all I know is that when I started seeking out recovery and looking at my behaviors and the fantasies that I started standing a chance to get better and make better decisions.

I have been so self loathing not until recently have I really begin to see how everything about me is based on me wanting a man's approval. Guess where that comes from. My dad and my mom. Feeling not good enough has permeated my world and now I am going to try to learn that it's only up to me to know I am good enough for me and others.

It's been a year and a half and he still holds power over me, except not as debilitating as it used to be, but progress not perfection.

Healthy to me is listening to myself and knowing if there is something that I think can be changed in another person, I haven't become accepting of myself enough to realize that you have to accept that person exactly the way they are with all the lacks, likes, and dislikes. I haven't now will I involve myself with anyone because I don't see myself as healthy or strong enough. But I am sure when it is right it will fall into place without me forcing or making it happen.

Rachi,

I can SO RELATE to everything you said. My therapist told me the same thing. That I so desperately wanted validtation for this human, that I made him my God.

And talk about a FANTASTY. Here is what I thought he was:

A sexy, smart man with an impressive job and an advanced degree. A well traveled intellectual and published author.

And this is what he turned out to be:

An extremely disturbed, dark, Sex Addict with Narcissit Personality Disorder, which leaned towards the high end, possibly even sociopathtic. A non-affectionate compulsive liar and manipulator who had no idea how to relate to people or form attachments to anyone including his wife of 14 years and his very young daughter.

A man who had no problems using others for his own gain, had no empathy, did not care how his actions affected others, and took no responsibility for his own behavior. A person who stayed in a constant funk of depression and morose and who told me that he would like to try heroin.

An extremely stingy man with both money and emotions. A man who spent the majority of time attempting to make me feel insecure and not good enough so that he could gain control over me.

A man that told me that his favorite thing was to see my face in pain. A vindictive man who cut off a lovers hair while she slept because she allegedly stole something from his house. A man who tried to sell an acquaintance's kidney on EBay and was furious when the officials took his ad down.

A man who made up stories about strange men looking in my bathroom window solely to scare me. A man who told me he dreamt that my plane crashed before I took a trip, only to tell me later that it was not true and that he was merely trying to make me nervous. A man who told me he would take a dog out of yard if he thought it would yield him a reward.

A man with extremely limited and narrow interests, liking only Chinese food, used books and CDs. A man who told me he was a renaissance man, but had no interests in the arts, museums, or learning about other cultures. A man who complained about everything. A man who told me that both love and God were infantile concepts. A man that sexualized everything and everyone. A man that enjoyed telling me story about prostitutes. A man without friends. A man who had absolutely no interest in pleasing me.

And I wanted so desperately for someone to love me that I began to give away little pieces of my self. Turning away more and more from who I was and frantically trying to please the unpleasable. This is what I have myself up for? Why I lost myself? For this?

What I can say is this, HUZZAH, Ladies.

Because guess what?

WE ARE HERE.

WE ARE GETTING HEALTHIER.

It's not a one step-two step process and BAM! We're healed. It's DIRTY. It's HARD. It's EMOTIONAL. It's UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!!

But you know what? WE'RE HERE. WHY? BECAUSE WE WANT SOMETHING BETTER.

And.... we know it's out there!

So again, HUZZAH, Ladies. HUZZAH!

Yep that's my fantasy too. if i'm not trying to make a man fit it, i compulsivly daydream that i'm in a relationship that does. i've been a compulsive daydreamer since childhood, maybe it was a coping mechanism cos family life was so strange and sad and painful. I really want to be free of it, it's debilitating - takes hours out of my day, sometimes.

Hi Balmy,

I would like to recomend another book for you, one that I loved every bit as much as WWL2M, together they are fantastic. It is:

Escape from Intimacy: by Anne Wilson Schaef

In this book she describes a Romance Addict which it sounds like you may fall into that category. A romance addict spends all of her time fantasing about romances, loves romantic movies,etc. I am not trying to make any asumptions from the short paragraph above, but it may be an interesting avenue for you to explore.

Good luck and welcome to the board.

Thanks Susy - will def check it out.

actually, yes, I do have a fear of letting ppl close to me, cos they won't like what they'll find. I see so much of my dad in myself(cf post in dysfunctional families thread) it's scary (i.e. he has no one close to him and seems to have low self esteem, if not out right self hate)