Good morning Ladies. As many of you know, I have highly recommended Susan Anderson's book, "Journey from Abandonment to Healing", of which I want to highlight her introduction to the second stage of abandonment, which is Withdrawal. As I read through many of the posts, I believe many of us are currently in this stage and struggling. I hope this provides some insight, encouragement and hope. For each stage we navigate through gets us closer to a healthier self. As one asked earlier, what is happiness..It does come from within. We must learn to trust ourselves, love ourselves...it is possible and can be ecstasy when we reach it...

From "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson

What is Withdrawal?

The withdrawal stage is like being in withdrawal from an addiction. It is when you crave the other person after the initial shock of separation has worn off. Mediated by the brain's own opioid system, what you feel is similar to what addicts feel when they can't get a fix.

During the worst of it, you can’t get away from your conviction that without your lost loved one, your life is over. This belief comes from the child within you. The child keeps telling you that you must get your loved one to come back at all costs, or you'll die. A primary relationship is a matter of survival for a child; no infant can exist without the nurturer.

Urged by the child, you may try to reconnect with your lost partner many times. Even if you don't take action, you fantasize about it. You keep going back because you’re still not convinced that the one who's left is no good for you. You keep getting bruised, but the child inside believes that this time it will be different. You’re like the alcoholic who thinks next time he drinks, he won't get drunk.

You may get angry with others who try to nurture you. You may, for instance, lash out at your therapist, especially if she is encouraging you stay away from your old partner. You may have agreed to leave the relationship behind, but the child may act out by missing sessions, switching sponsors, or changing recovery groups. You’re angry at your therapist and others because they speak against the wishes of the child. The child fears that unless its urgent pleas are heard, its life is in peril.

The child within clings to false hope to ward off the feelings of isolation, banishment, and loss. Without hope, you stay buried, in despair, and these feelings evolve into profound grief, creating a bottomless well of tears.

But with the tears something else is released. Making its way to your consciousness, through memories of the times you were left unprotected and rejected, is your right to be loved.

Withdrawal is the stage when you listen to the child's cries. You recognize that her needs are your needs: that you must nurture your most important feelings.

There are those who try to bypass the withdrawal stage with a replacement for their lost love. But withdrawal is not the time for replacement-that will come soon enough- it is the time to accept yourself and your needs.