I'm feeling really down, just kept bursting into tears at work yesterday, it was so embarassing, but didn't know how to stop it. Quickly some background info. I was with him for 6 years, married for 2.5. For 6 months after we married everything seemed good. Then he told me he had an alcohol problem. I found AA meetings for him, went with him 2 open meeting, talked with him and supported him every day, like a good wife, treated him (I'm a trained acupuncturist) for his alcohol addiction (I always reckoned he drank too much, but when he told me "he had a problem", he admitted that he was drinking in secret, behind my back, and drinking a lot.) I helped him in every way I could, even filled in his application form for him so he gets in with the Police (he was working as a roofer's labourer, in a dead-end job...) We moved into our new house on the 18th of Feb 2008 and that night I found out that he has been seeing another woman. During that week I gradually found out that he used to go around her house before work (at 3-4am in the morning!!) and some days he sent her up to 40 text messages! He admitted that "they almost had sex" on the 18th but he couldn't do it. I was devastated, stopped eating, thought I was going to die with the pain. He said all the right things and we decided that we should try to work things out. He was remorseful and very upset. We went to Relate for about 2 months, when he decided that he's rather go to rugby training, which started back at the time, and so we stopped therapy. During therapy he said however long I need to forgive him and trust him again, he'll be there. After therapy all that changed quickly. He got accepted in the police force and started his 6 months training. He kept telling me that I'll never forgive him and I should just start trusting him again. I told him that trust has to be earnt, and after he betrayed me, Iit'll take time and pacience. He had neither for me. He grew more and more aggressive, occasionally violent, bullied me a lot and told me to go and get myself sorted because all this is my fault. (i.e. that we "can't get over " it). I started hypnotherapy, counselling, CBT, started to do ballroom dancing, and build my self-esteem. As a result, I told him that I will no longer cut him any slack because he's younger, than me, as he'll always be younger (me: 32, him:26) And I won't run around anymore and manage his life for him; but I will look after myself more. He didn't seem to like this and his behaviour towards me grew worse. In the meantime I was made redundant (I was at risk for 3 months, but he wasn't very supportive, in fact most of the time I was running around for him, like a total idiot). A week after I was made redundant, he walked out. I said to him when I knew that I was at risk of redundancy, that once I find a job, I'm out, but I didn't expect him to give up after everything he put me through; I was hoping to "shock him into behaving". Of course now I see that I was just trying to manipulate him, and I spent 6 years trying to turn him into something he clearly wasn't. I see that I was in a very damaging relationship, but the pain I feel when I think about it how much I have done for him and how he used and abused me, and taken me for granted, and finally abandoned me when I lost my job. I always earnt a lot more than he did, but I didn't care about that. It just bothered me how he spent the money sometimes carelessly and I had to go without, so he can have stuff he didn't even need. Just feel hurt, stupid, vulnerable, used, useless, angry, lost. And many other things. I'm pretty sure that he left because I clearly said that I will no longer do all those things that I used to do for him (i.e. manage his life) and I'm pretty sure he went because he found another woman, who will do all those things for him. I started divorce proceedings, and only saw him once in the last 5 months (since he moved out). He has asked me to meet up with him "to discuss the financial part of the divorce" (we have a house together, which is on the market) and I managed to stall meeting up with him so far, but now he said in his last email (we only email strictly about "business" - the divorce - don't talk on the phone, we only spoke 3-4x since he left) that it's "best to discuss things face-to-face." I really don't want to see him, the whole thing hurts so much, and since he's been saying this (that we need to meet up), I have these automatic negative thoughts about him; I just don't seem to be able to stop my mind, and I'm making myself feel awful, but I don't know how to stop it. I'd like him to see me how well I look and that my life is good without him (I feel good otherwise, started a new job last week and I'm loving it, and I'm working on myself; not looking for another relationship, had a few brief ones since we split, but I'm just not ready, have a lot of work to do on myself...) but I don't think I could cope with the pain and hurt if I saw him. I don't want him to think that I'm scared of meeting up with him, but I am; he sent me some threatening text messages back in Aug and had a threatening phone call too, the Police had to install a panic alarm in my house. I never had to use it but I'm still scared, both from being hurt further emotionally, and also worried about him physically hurting me, although that would be pretty stupid of him with him being a police officer... I want to get divorced asap and move on with my life, and not have any contact with him, so i don't want to delay things, but meeting up with him scares me to death. What do I do?? My emaotions are all over the place, and have all these thoughts going around in my head about him, how do I stop it? It'd driving me up the wall! Thanks for any advice / opinion, and sorry about the long posting!

A x