The process of detoxing ourselves from a pathological relationship is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, two steps forward and one step backwards. In the course of the day I go from "never again!" to "if only" to "I'm o.k. now!" to "this is going to take a long time to heal". I know that with time the emotional roller coaster will slow down and straighten out. My personal journey is that I will never get on that roller coaster again.

((silvermane))) many hugs to you. There are days when I am doing great. Then my mind starts to play tricks on me with "well maybe it wasnt as bad as I thought". Luckily I only have to look at the horrible damage he did to my house to remind me that yes, it was that bad. It was not part of my imagination. I think this is a lifetime journey. As Sangroncito mentioned above, I think it will have ups & downs, highs & lows. I wish you joy in the highs, support in the lows and for the day when it is just plain even.

You can not "rush" the healing process. just like physical wounds it takes time and care to heal. If you 'rush" the process then you only bury those deep rooted issues that need to be addressed so that you do not find yourself in this position again. Knowledge is power but learning to put that knowledge into practice takes time, diligence, discipline, and patience. Having an addiction to hurtful relationships is no different than being addicted to meth or cocaine unless you confront the desire and heal your hurts you will always have to face the possibility of giving in to the addiction. Pushing pass the hurt instead of acknowledging it and feeling it only buries it deeper and encourages it to grow deeper roots. It is a difficult journey. There is no magic phrase or pill. it needs to be navigating with honesty, compassion, and patience. If you are diligent you will truly see how amazing you are. Much love to you all!

From being on this board, it seems the recovery process is different for everyone, but one thing for sure is its never easy and it often seems to 'yo-yo'. It doesn't really matter how long the relationship was...just how significant it was to you. Lots of time spent NC and education seem, to me, to be the number one things that help gain perspective and help us see things better. There's no 'normal' way to heal, just the way that works for you. Best wishes x

Hi Silver,

First of all, congratulations for hopping off that bus! I haven't spoke to my exN for 93 days. I have broken NC here and there via texts, but have had ZERO desire to speak to him on the telephone. He was like a drug to me, and I know...that I cannot have it, or I will never go onwards from him.

Anyway, initially, I attempted to repeat old patterns. Opened online dating accounts. FAIL. Something shifted inside of me and it just felt gross to me. I stopped. (THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE EVER GONE IN MY ADULTHOOD WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND!!) I was almost 3 months in when those thoughts "it was all a dream" suddenly stopped and the reality of what I had lived through came crashing down onto me. I was feeling so awesome because I had girl-powered my way through ..and then... I was reduced to a hardly functioning puddle. Last week I spent hours smoking cigarettes in my bathroom and sobbing hysterically. I would sit there and watch puddle form on my bathroom floor. I don't think I ever cried like that before in my lifetime! I loved him. He wasn't who I though he was. Man oh man did I grieve. THEN, it was like I had stripped myself of that protective shell, and now... I am raw, but full of hope for MY future. It's no longer about him. I don't care what he is doing, who he is with, what he is thinking when I don't text him, or when he is going to come back....acceptance and indifference.

Anyway, sorry for my lame rant, but.... the fact that you're on the road to recovery is what's important!! Sticking to it for as long as you already has is an incredible accomplishment that you should NOT forget to congratulate yourself for!!!!

UPandA, you are not ranting. I TOTALLY relate to everything you said. Going through NC is difficult, but it has forced me to process some very painful truths. Perhaps, the most painful part of all this processing is coming to the realization that "he wasn't who I thought he was." He had me totally fooled! I had to face the facts and tell myself, "Now I see why he had 3 failed marriages!" and "No wonder he has no friends!"

I've also gone through the crying jags and the chain-smoking. Fortunately, I am still functioning well enough to go to work every day. When the tears come, I just let them roll; it's all part of the healing process. And like you said, I need to congratulate myself for "hopping off that bus!"

Thank you for your kind words, UPandA, and congratulations on your 93 days NC. I'll be sooooo glad when I get there...

I felt the same exact way because I had NEVER experienced the aftermath of a pathological relationship.

Not only me, but all my BFFs that had seen me after the break up of my 8 year old marriage and another 8 year long live in relationship, were like: what is going on with you? This is not you? Since when do you react like this?

But these relationships are so dangerous, that they leave us with PTSD, which is what causes the constant intrusive thoughts and cognitive dissonance trying to balance in our brains what we think we had vs what we had.

Anyway, as Rayvyn states there is no rushing it. Saying to yourself (which I did) WHY WHY WHY does nothing or speed up the process. It is much better just to accept it. Another constant thougght: OK, that was that. Let it go.