Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Rough Day - red flags

UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
I have been doing pretty well. I have not contacted him and have not really been that eager to do so. I have felt pretty peaceful. However, I woke up this morning with this overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and urge to materialize a reason to contact him. I have held strong and not done so. I miss him and I miss the excitement with him. I know excitement also means dysfunction in this case. So to help myself calm down I am going to list an embarrassing list of red flags/cons that will make me not contact him: drinks to the point of forgetting several nights a week, would have serious conversations and a few fights in this time that he would not even remember, combat PTSD (which he went on and off his meds for), married 4 times and says all his ex-wives (but first) are crazy, all activities planned around drinking unles I made the plans, smokes (which my daughter despises the smell of smoke), no desire to take care of himself, fell "in love" with me fast (whirlwind), temper - with everyone but me but I know eventually would turn to me, was making future plans like move to GA and marry me after the first time we were together, introduced me to his family quickly....... I am trying to remember these things and not how sweet he was, how passionate he was, how he listened and made me feel important, how good the sex was, how he was proud to be with me by showing me off, etc.
Missmom75
Missmom75
Crap, I am in the same nauseating rut right now.
I just read a few emails we exchanged. Why I haven't deleted them is beyond me.
I still can't believe it ended, can you believe that? We have been apart longer than we were together and I still can't believe it. So Pathetic. Like you, I just totally almost convinced myself that it'd be a good idea to just non-chalantly email him a simple 'hey, how goes'
Yeah, no - DUMB.
I miss how I felt when we were together. I REALLY miss that me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I sooo relate... I had to read over my list of 'red flags I ignored/overrode' just the other day because I was suddenly remembering how my ex gave me his full attention when I talked to him and was always so interested.... but like your ex, he was also unstable, moved waaay too quickly and the excitement was a double-edged sword. I miss the intensity a lot. I am dating someone now with whom it's very sweet and lovely and he's so good to me - it feels very healthy - but it's not intense and 'deep'... and I miss it, I have to admit I miss it. I know it's bc my radar for what's true love has always been way off. And that that wasn't love... but it really did feel like it at the time. Hold strong! It's helped me to read your post b/c today I really entertained the thought of - like you Missmom75 - emailing a 'how are you doing?' email. It's been 3 months of NC.
Missmom75
Missmom75
Don't do it! Let's stay strong!
Been 3 months for me too..
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Yes - stay strong we must. It has been three weeks for me :-/ with one slip up day after he contacted me. We can do this.
belle8194
belle8194
Boredom and lonliness often are the reason I reconsider an ex. It's dangerous when you're craving the attention of the opposite sex.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
I think that is part of the problem. I am craving that attention. I don't believe it is that I necessarily want it from him but I want it. Honestly - I know what has triggered me. On of my BF's is dating his brother (another LDR) and they had a bad spell this weekend. I was there as always to help her through it. When she refers to her man she refers to my ex as well - like they are the same. It stirred up a lot of things I was putting behind me. When the bad is stirred up the good creeps in to. I miss the good. I want the good. I want and crave the attention. I am lonely - and it sucks.
sunnyjax
sunnyjax
Great list of red flags!
I could apply them to my H too.

I was thinking last night , in the night, like you do! and was amazed to find all my exes apart from one has the same red flags. OMG was I think or what?! Well actually this just seemed like the norm to me!

The most obvious one - excuse the crudity - from all of them was on a first date. They would all put my hand on their hard 'manhood' . This was first kiss time, they all did this - it used to really make me cross! Don't know why I didn't walk when they did that……
xxx
flteach8
flteach8
I took my journals from the 12 yrs we were together and wrote a timeline of all the abusive things he did to me. It helps at times to go back and reread those journals or the timeline, but I haven't done it in awhile and I don't know why. It's so funny how we all crave the crazy yet we want the normal. I have been NC now for almost seven months. I still can't believe that he moved on to someone else.

Undercover keep a list going of all the red flags and specific times you can remember. And when you get that urge to call reread your list again and again. Sometimes we just need that reminder of how bad it really was!
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
The crazy thing is that we were only together for 8 months but the more comfortable he got the more the abusive behaviors came out. "Funny" how I did not consider drunken phone calls and text in the middle of the night as a form of abuse. However - I respected myself enough to tell him I would not answer those calls after I realized what was happening. The real abuse started when he would call me as stated and leave me angry voice mails and text in the middle of the night. I did actually answer the phone one time and it was nasty. I was called every name in the book and once I hung up the indecipherable texting started. He did not even remember calling much less the things he said to me. This happened when I visited him as well - but in person. He did not remember picking a fight with me much less leaving the apartment in a rage. Then it happened again on the phone a few days before we split. Crazy how the sweet kind loving man pulls us in then this monster slowly appears. WTH?? Then we are left wondering what's wrong with us??