but you guys, we don't hold them accountable. they get away with lying b/c we tolerate it. we make threats and complain and fight and sometimes withhold but in the end we deal with the lies so we can stay with them. we teach them. we reinforce them. and the women after you will do the same. that's why there are liars.

that is our responsibility. we choose liars. stop that and the lying will stop.

If you really stick to your red flag list and trust your instincts. What ive found out time and time again the hard way is if ir feels off it usually is. And anyone worth being with would never want you to feel "off" about them. Think about how you are in relationships. Me... Im attentive. I make sure i am where i say i am. I am honest. I deserve to be treated the way i treat them and nothing less. I dont deserve a guessing game.

When I think of all the red flags I ignored, it makes me sick. I wanted to believe he was a good guy and I was so desperate for someone to love me. No more...if something doesn't feel right I will trust my gut. It is always right. I agree...can't stand lies and deception.

strange, how we always know deep down, and how hard we fight that knowledge.

Clarity, I promise I'm not telling you what to do. You are totally learning. I'm in a relationship now and honestly I should have listened to my inner guy so many times. He has parts of all the things listed and more personal ones I should have picked up on. I don't know where my mind was really. Our first date he basically told me everything up front . The police record the time he served the " crazy ex's" , the stuff he liked an then supposedly the different life he wanted and all he wanted to walk away from. Point is we couldn't be more opposite from each other in so many ways. I kept listening about how he thought I was an angel from God that he had been praying for he made it seem like he would appreciate me forever and welcome a new way of life because I jade made it very clear I wasn't trying to change anyone. He said he wanted to change for a long time, here I am in love fffff up over a year an a half later and he keeps trying to pull me into this sick way of life and trust me you don't want this ever!!!

Gut

Thanks new .....I have listened and walked away!!!!

It's strange I can walk away so easily BUT if my ex contacted me I am not sure i could from him!! Is that normal????

Xxx

I love this thread. I've been currently going back and forth for several months over whether to date this guy I have been interested in for a while. From day one I had a bad gut feeling. It's so hard to say no when there is no evidence. It's so hard to trust that feeling. From what I'm reading from all of you, I just have to stay away and deep down I know that....I know this but doing it is another thing..

Thanks for this reminder, Dracona. I wrote my list last night (again) and it really does help one be more in-reality. My favorite on my list:

Critical and judgemental ALL THE TIME. Nothing I did was good... it was always a criticism. So wearing...

Thank you for this thread!

clarity, normal to me. if my ex husband came into my life i would have no problem but if this ex came into my life i could never do it. good for you for walking away from something not good for you. something not good for you cannot make you happy.

GOINGUP! welcome back! so nice to see you around. doing that is another thing.....

and as simple as that pen you never have to feel that way again. you never have to subject yourself to that again. so toxic.. i wasn't ever good enough either. never enough. and then wheni unhooked i saw that that was how he felt about himself.

Red Flag...first date...I had to come over to his 'area' so he could take me out...hmmm not so bad....then we spent 5 days together, he goes to Spain for a week, I get one text saying ' I will think of you when I masturbate'...I cried then and spent 4 days feeling sick...then he came back early and said he loved me....sucked right in...!!!! Said he was scared of being hurt so had to have time to think... ( yeh thats ok, but silence - no contact after those days full-time getting intimate in all sorts of emotional ways?!)
Was that weird...Im still not sure but here I am...
Usually I wouldnt have given him any more of my time as the no contact hurt me, and I feel it was confusing after our days spent together.....just felt wrong to be dropped cold like that....?!

Im still at the learning stage here....clearly!
Clarity is something I need so thanks also for this!

My husband tells me all the time I am looking for bad things which arent there........
I suppose what I am looking for is a feeling, a sign, an expression of his love for me....maybe hes right it isnt there....!
I feel like I am trying to protect myself...

Ahhh, Sunny. Your intuition at the beginning was right on as it usually is. You just chose to ignore it.

I KNOW!!! Durh!
I knew it and carried on anyway, but whats done is done....sometimes I feel I just make life frickin hard for myself gawd!!!

so RED FLAG for me is....that gut feeling! When a guy makes me feel sick with fear for the heartache I know is sure to follow - RUN!

I had a red flag as clear as air with my ex...he basically told me after a few dates he thinks it's not going to work and we should stop seeing each other. That is quite an obvious on, right? ;)
So what did I do? Convinced him we're great together, turned into the sweetest thing on earth, even blackmailed him emotionally because I was already so so involved with him..and he stayed and then we spent 4 years this way...

With the current one though, no red flags, no gut feelings, nothing. Year and 5 months were perfect, despite sometimes arguing of course, we could always fix it and learn from the bad experience... and still I got into the trap again.