Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hi. I am new to this group. I read the book Women Who Love Too Much and one of the suggestions is to find a support person which I think is a really good idea since I have been following the pattern of picking unsuitable men for years. The only thing that bothers me is that my parents weren't alcoholics or anything and I can't remember my childhood being incredibly horrible except that my mother was and is quite critical yet everything in this book seems to fit me like a glove. My first real relationship which lasted 10 years was abusive. Since then I have picked man after man who in some way or another have been unavailable to me and I find myself chasing after them like a lost puppy.
Recently I took a dating hiatus for seven months to try to figure out why I kept picking such inappropriate men. Then I was back out in the field again and lo and behold the next guy I'm right back where I started. I met a guy who I thought was wonderful and this time he wasn't abusive or anything so i thought I was finally on the right track and then he gets a job outside my city and says he can't really have a relationship as he needs to focus on himself and his career and he's not really into long distance but says he likes me so much that he wants to remain friends. So I do and the two fimes he comes back into town he's all lovey dovey and kissey kissey and then right before he leaves we have a big fight and he says adamantly again that he just "can't " have a relationship. Finally, I broke it off with him (just last night) because I feel like I deserve better than his scraps and he can't just come into town and be with me then leave me in the dust. He texted me and said that he still cares for me.....yadda yadda. I know I did the right thing but I'm finding it very hard not to pick up the phone and call him. I miss him. And then I think what is wrong with me...he DOESN"T WANT ME!!!!
I am working on fixing this problem and this way of relating to men but I really need support I think. I've tried to do it on my own and I have made progress but I fall back into it so EASILY. I am a strong person so why can't I just get this one thing right? Any advice.
Recently I took a dating hiatus for seven months to try to figure out why I kept picking such inappropriate men. Then I was back out in the field again and lo and behold the next guy I'm right back where I started. I met a guy who I thought was wonderful and this time he wasn't abusive or anything so i thought I was finally on the right track and then he gets a job outside my city and says he can't really have a relationship as he needs to focus on himself and his career and he's not really into long distance but says he likes me so much that he wants to remain friends. So I do and the two fimes he comes back into town he's all lovey dovey and kissey kissey and then right before he leaves we have a big fight and he says adamantly again that he just "can't " have a relationship. Finally, I broke it off with him (just last night) because I feel like I deserve better than his scraps and he can't just come into town and be with me then leave me in the dust. He texted me and said that he still cares for me.....yadda yadda. I know I did the right thing but I'm finding it very hard not to pick up the phone and call him. I miss him. And then I think what is wrong with me...he DOESN"T WANT ME!!!!
I am working on fixing this problem and this way of relating to men but I really need support I think. I've tried to do it on my own and I have made progress but I fall back into it so EASILY. I am a strong person so why can't I just get this one thing right? Any advice.
This guy is your teacher -- he's telling you that you need to take better care of you... You do deserve more than crumbs... so Hold Your Head UP and smile at your inner strength. You're doing great... you're making the right moves.
Give your heart to the people who deserve it, or really need it.
Keep the rest for your healing.
I am going to present you with a challange. We are going to give you the same type of guy, but change the circumstances just a little to throw you off. But you were not fooled. Very quickly you recognized the signs and you backed off!!! You are winning this struggle against yourself and bad relationships!!! That is a victory.
BTW, neither of my parents were alcoholics or physically abusive like some of the stories that I have read in these pages. Basically my mother is a narcissist and my father was an absent workaholic (all under the guise of providing for the family) therefore my basic needs were not met and so you find yourself looking here receiving support from people that understand continuing to make horrific choices in men/relationship partners even when other aspects of your life appear fine. If you were not in a great deal of pain and wanting to make long term change, you would not be here, so that is a great step.
I think that this will be a long road of constant self checking and self maintanence, it can't just be a quick fix.
Don't beat yourself up, we all have our bad days, and to recognise the issue is a great step forward.
This site has been so good for me, just knowing that others have had the same things cos of our patterns from childhood, and it feels good to know that there is a great bunch of women out there trying to resolve this, as we all deserve a positive happy future and maybe one day a beautiful positive happy emotionally available man will appear once we have healed our issues and really love ourselves.
My advice - stay away from men lol. thats what I'm doing. 12 months at least.
Just take it step by step, day by day and be a friend to yourself xx
Once we recognize that we have this pattern (WWL2M) -- we realize that we have a ton of work to do on ourselves to change the pattern. And getting involved with someone new would likely distract from the work.
And it is Work.
It requires constant effort - reading, writing, tapes, therapy, whatever helps heal the wounds and move out the bad energy.
When we're with someone, they tend to provide some relief from our emptiness -- at least to some degree. But we need to realize that we have been empty and we've been trying to get full by getting it from someone else. And getting validation from someone else always ends in pain...
We have to provide ourselves with validation - love - support. A man needs to be icing on the cake, not the cake.
It is really hard work... but it does allow us to shift our energy = power away from the outside. We need to go into our hearts and learn what we need to be happy.
My mother was disconnected - she lost her mother when she was 7. She never learned how to "mother". Not her fault, but she was a good wife and a good home maker. She never told me she loved me until I was 36.
My father worked hard and demanded alot. He drank and even though I choose to say he was not an alocoholic - he was. I learned the definition of the word.
What I once thought was a "normal" family, revealed itself to be very dysfunctional. We learn what we live. Working your family history with a professional can often help you better understand why we are the way we are and why we seek the attention we seek from the wrong type of men.
Good luck - I begin the journey (again) tonight.