My N has never verbally abused me. I think he knows that I wouldn't put up with that, however what does it matter?. I've put up with so much crap already...and the worst part is I still continue to try to think some miracle will happen and he will appreciate all I have done, when in reality they are never satisfied with anything. I do think on some level he is touched by my caring, but that isn't going to make him be a better person or better man. I will never hate him as some of this board have said or see him as evil, however that doesn't mean I could or should put up with a quarter of a loaf, and a general nasty attitude,inappropriate rages and physical and emotional laziness.

Yes, Solo60 I noticed many times that when I did something especially nice or caring for him he would start a fight or lash out at me. I called him on it more than once and he admitted that he did do that. Despite wanting special treatment from me, when I did it he got very upset and pushed me away even harder. He did come from a very neglected, abusive background. He wanted so badly to have the love and attention he never got, but when he got it he could not accept it. I think it was very scary for him. I understood because I had the same tendencies. It was very hard for me to accept any caring or caregiving too.

Solo60...ABSOLUTELY! I often felt that his actions were all defense mechanisms and that half the time HE didn't even understand what he was doing - destroying the trust and intimacy in our relationship. He just needed to feel in control again, otherwise he would be afraid of being engulfed. It is very crazy making because what he so desperately wanted - me being devoted to him, is also what made him destroy us, because he was scared to death of it at the same time...I am tired to trying to figure out what that nut case was thinking or doing...it's time to spend that kind of energy on me!

This is the most confusing behavior of all for me. They want love and need it desparately, but their fear of it drives it away. Self-sabotage. I can't hate him eithert, icelnl. Actually, I feel sorry for him. It must be hell living with that fear but I can't let him destroy me because of it. I was willing to help him overcome it but he ran from that also. I heard "what's wrong with me, anyway? Why can't I have friends, family, love?" , to "don't try to change me". The thing I remember him saying most of all, quite tenderly, actually, was after the first time I told him I loved him. He said, "you don't want to love me...it hurts too much to love me". He was right but imagine believing that inside yourself.