hi solo60

this is one thing i never experienced, he was sometimes moody, grumpy, miserable but i never saw him angry. Whenever i challenged anything or asked too many questions he pressed the ignore button, then eventually he would say "You annoyed me"

One time he phoned me quite late to vent his 'anger' about some guys shouting mocking drunken remarks at him as he walked home. He said he felt so mad he wanted to get a baseball bat & go back!! He said talking to me about it calmed him & thanked me for listening.

Hi Solo60,

I understand this explosive unwarranted anger all too well. It seemed the level of anger never made sense with the tiny details that provoked it. I was always the "sounding board" for the anger but according to the N, it didn't have anything to do with me. One of the worst triggers was being in the car with him, behind someone not driving to his standards. He would get so hostile, such road rage, and say such horrible things. Sometimes I would start crying, then the anger would redirect at me. He was like this mostly anytime a place was crowded or he had to drive. I finally realized that it was safer to avoid going places, even though I find such joy leaving the house and doing things. Anything perceived by the N as judgement or questioning also resulted in defensive, irrational, angry outbursts. I felt so hated, stupid and inadequate but being out of the situation really makes me realize what issues he had. I hate confrontation but it got so out of control, I had to address this anger with him repeatedly because it upset me so but he never understood...in his mind, it was "his right" to act so nasty and it always made things worse to bring up anything that had to do with him improving....he didn't care what his behavior did to those around him and he didn't even want to begin to understand. We all have our moments, our outbursts, our moments of defeat but this behavior didn't seem to fall in any of this categories..it was insane. Threatening a dog to beat its head in for barking...would he? I don't think so but listening to such ugly rage over such stupid things is sickening. It got to the point where it seemed that he would behave this way over anything that brought me joy - - my beautiful daughter, my pets, my family, going places, etc. I never saw the correlation then..I couldn't understand why I couldn't make this SOB happy but just by typing these words, I see it runs much deeper than my flaws. Nobody should have to put up with such hostility and nonsense over things that don't even matter.

Nope. No rage. Just passive-aggressive stuff like punishing me without my even knowing. Read: I don't speak in code and expected him to do the same. He violated that understanding that we had and was punishing me left and right. I didn't see it until the end. Most of it had to do with my child, sadly.

My thoughts were...how can you be raging at me? I did not do anything to deserve this anger. Why am I being blamed and shamed? It is irrational and excessive, it is frightening becuase if you love someone it doesn't seem possible to be raging at them and so COLD as ICE at the same time.

I saw it constantly, with me and with everyone else. He once went off on me for giving him a "crappy" birthday cake at midnight on his birthday. I had planned to bake a nice one the next day, but wanted to do something for him at midnight. Mistake.

It only gets worse, and worse and worse.

When he was home I was on eggshells waiting for the next attack, which was always a sneak attack. When he was out I was afraid he would be killed or arrested and never come home. Sometimes I was so fed up I wished this would happen and I would be free.

Trust your instincts and your feelings. If it feels wrong it is and you don't have to anaylyze it to believe yourself.

I have seen several instances of this. It is usually over really stupid things. One time I was trying to get him to get cheaper gas and he went off on me and started driving recklessly. It was just done to intimidate me. Another thing was when I went to look at look refrigerators and bought one. He was really mad about it, and said I"lied to him" because I said I was only going to look. It was my freaking money in the first place, and he was the one complaining about the old one. I thought he would be happy. He always throws mini rages when there are too many dishes in the sink or they are not "stacked the right way" One time when I asked him to leave he went into a really cold and remote scary depression. I don't fear him but he can be unreasonably obnoxious. I am glad that I have a male roomate here though because I don't think he would dare to really go off with him being present.

xn was a very covert narc and I never saw the famous N rage. The more covert the more insidious and under the table the abuse.

Mine was the same as Blueshoes exactly.

Now ladies, God forbid we ever have an opinion or feel any sort of disagreement toward our N. My N has called me a f-ing b**** and ho and slut before, and has hung up on me while I was crying and really needed him to listen and understand, but I told him I thought he was being a "dick," and he FREAKED OUT. He said "No girlfriend has EVER called me that.," trying to make me feel small and stupid. I guess I'm not allowed to express any anger toward him. I even told him " Look, you were being immature and I was upset that you weren't listening, so I called you a dick. I'm sorry." But he wouldn't have it. I've seen my N slam his fist against the wall when his alarm didn't go off on time, and I've seen the sarcasm just EXPLODE when I brought up any resistance or difference of opinion. I feel like I walk on eggshells too, because I never know when the rage is coming.

Oh boy, did I ever see it!! As most of you mentioned, over the smallest insignificant things. It was astounding what triggered him.

Another thing he did was that sometimes he would call, usually late at night and drunk, and verbally abuse me for no reason whatsoever, saying completely vile things. The next day (after I spent the night in tears wondering what I had done), he'd call and act completely normal. When I'd tell him how much his words devastated me, he'd reply by saying that it was good for "his heart" and hat he felt good now. I've since read that this spewing of hatred gets rid of all the tension they've built up while trying to maintain their false self and that's why they feel at peace afterwards while we feel like a garbage truck ran over OUR hearts and then drove back and forth up repeatedly.

Oh Nancy, you don't deserve to have him dump such hatred onto you! Next time he calls drunk, just tell him assertedly that he's drunk, you don't feel like talking to him when he's drunk, you need to go to sleep and that you'll talk to him in the morning. When you hang up on him (because he will probably try to make you feel guilty for refusing to talk to him in his drunken state), just be strong and try not to feel bad (easier said than done, I know). Because spending the night in tears after he had to filter his heart onto you and your psyche is just wrong.

You're definitely not alone!

NEVER EVER take a drunk's words at face value. They are not well, anytime someone calls you drunk get off the phone and don't even get into a conversation. I was burned so many times I can' t even tell you. Sometimes I would believe him when he'd say he hadn't been drinking and the conversation would always end up abusive and i would be frustrated and hurt. Just don't do it!

Thanks, AshleyJayne, for your support. I've now broken off with the jerk (major euphemism). Plus he'd stopped drinking heavily a few years ago so I was no longer getting those late-night rants. All the other emotional abuse, yes, and the normal (?) narcissistic rages, though. But in the last few years, as I challenged him on his words, he first tried to up the ante, saying things such as no wonder my parents and last abusive relationship guy treated me badly 'cause of what a horrible person I was. Then as I got wise that this was just part of his game and told him that I was on to him, he then switched to giving me the silent treatment instead. Now, this was harder to ignore and strangely it's what helped me more than the verbal abuse to break up.

I'm wondering if any of you ever sensed that all of these things we witnessed , the punishment, the rages, the sexual withholding, the physical abuse( I did not experience that) and finally, the OW were a defensive reaction by the N. I sensed all along that everytime our relationship inched up a notch, where he was starting to care more, depend on me more, need me, want me, trust me....everytime he shared something more of himself which allowed me to get another piece of the Narc puzzle....he would become more and more vulnerable and each of the behaviors were defense postures aimed at protecting himself. He didn't really make a secret out of feeling vulnerable. In fact he admitted it to me once. Most of us are very perceptive. Did you pick up on this possibility at all? One day, in fact, I said something to him like "Aha! ...I think I just got the last piece of the puzzle that is you". I think I actually saw panic in his eyes. It was shortly after that that he told me he'd be seeing someone new. I have concluded since then that doing that...starting over with someone new...is easier for him than allowing himself to be vulnerable and I connect that fear of vulnerability to the really deep hurt caused by a mother who NEVER nurtured him. He learned to behave like that as a coping mechanism. He married that someone new after three months. There is NO WAY she could have had time to know what he really is. But she will now. His new strategy will at least allow him to have his supply until she figures it all out.

Yes, after he would vent, spew rage, break things, hit me, but mostly just scream and rage like a maniac, he has called me every name you can imagine and worse, said every nasty thing a person could think of, he would always personalize it by using things he knew hurt me, he would feel so much better. His relief and pleasure at having let the pressure out was palpable. It was like a steam valve. Then he would be as sweet as pie for awhile. Sometimes he would flip on someone else and release the steam and I would get a free pass and just get the benefit of his good mood. I would be sick.

Once he was raging at me on the phone, while I was on the street. A man passing by saw me crying and how distressed I saw and asked me if I was ok, I remember thinking how insane it was that a complete stranger was more woriied about my welfare than the man who supposedly loved me.