Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
If it doesn't feel real, make it real. make a list of everything he has done wrong, the things that bother me the most vs what he has done right. see if they add up. don't let yourself talk yourself into the "its not that bad" ideal, my brain keeps trying to do this. Here's my list. whats yours?
major bads over the past 2 1/2 years. no feelings. just facts. short and simple.
1st incident, I should have known then. lied to me about wanting to give money to his ex. his exact words as to why? he wanted to see what it was like to fight with me, wanted to see what I was like angry. he apologized, said it was wrong of him and would never do it again.
2nd incident. lied to me about hanging with his ex. left me at home cooking dinner while he took her out to an expensive dinner. bought her Victoria secret bras. lied to me about hanging out with her.
4. when I told him I was leaving because of the above, he had a total fit. blamed it on me. said I was controlling. said I had to leave that day and threw my stuff outside. then went back and got it. my daughter saw me so upset that I puked and felt the need to stand up to him for me, and tell me she always loves me, at 2 years old.
5. after I moved we started talking again. I was buying his car from him. he threatened to call the police to take it back because he was angry with me after I had asked him what I meant to him because he wouldn't say he was with me, wouldn't get back together but came over to eat my food and have sex with me. I was not welcome at his house even though Im the one that found it for him cause he asked for my help. I did show up unannounced once to be nice and bring him a sandwich cause he said he was hungry, which I spent my last ten bucks on. I didn't have a phone. he looked very surprised to see me, then took his phone and disappeared in the bathroom for 10 minutes right away. he did not respond to my texts or calls unless he wanted to. I then went and bought my truck.
6. all summer, played the on again off again game. played the hot cold love me love me not. we were not together because HE did not want a relationship, he said he was trying to focus on himself. he did not hold hands with me or kiss me in public the rare times we went out. he continued this behavior. I was not allowed to see other people. I tried and he flipped, even though he refused to say we were even seeing each other. he also continued to throw the fact that I left him in my face, and the ptsd.
7. he would get, does get strange phone calls, where I see the number calling him. he cuts it off short saying he is "busy" or studying. when I confronted him about it he said it was his friend bri, who I know. but it wasn't her number he was talking to. then he says it was Jennifer, who I also know... I said why did you lie? why don't you talk to your friend? why wont you tell her you are with me? he says ill prove it. he then calls Jennifer and embarrasses me, saying Teshia doesn't think that you know about her. but Jennifer wasn't who had called. she had no idea what he was talking about.
8. we got back together because he walked in and said, we are dating now. and after that he slowly started to hold my hand in public again.
9. I had a major trigger. I called him, he said he was sleeping. I called my ex, my baby's surrogate dad to talk about the incident, because it was mostly due to him not paying what he owed me, and got me in a bind. and we were friends and I asked him to bring me a cigarette. I needed to calm down. bad of me to call both of them but I wasn't thinking clearly. He came. the boyfriend came right after. we weren't "together" then. He beat the crap out of my ex, who would not, does not, has not ever, fight and did not instigate anything.
10. we moved back in together. a couple months after there was one of the bigger fights aside from the continuous petty ones. he was trying to discipline my daughter, I got in the way as I didn't like it. he swung around and nearly clipped me with his fist when I touched him trying to get him to come talk to me. he then pressed his face into my face and backed me up. then kinda threw my dog in the corner and kicked a hamster ball.
11. a couple months later he actually hit me. I was trying to talk about how I felt about our relationship and he got angry and broke my daughters unicorn picture on the wall. she was upset and I put myself between him and her and told him to go. he backed up, I said are you seriously going to hit me? and he did. I blocked most of it but had a decent knot on the back of my head, then again, went after my dog outside. he promises to make it right, to go to counseling. I didn't promise him to stay, but I did. things got ok again, I was actually believing that it would be a one time occurrence, or trying to.
12. Money sharing has never been an issue. he has always done more than his share. he should be in jail from the above and lose all his scholarship and not be able to be an army officer. but he is off in training for the program for a month, and I paid his bills. He had been promising to replace the frame of my daughters picture he broke. its a simple small picture. could replace the frame with dollar store frames. I gave him 1000 dollars and paid rent, and he didn't use a dime of it to do that.
11. THIS really bugs me, I don't know why. before he left he had me pull into a flowers to go shop. had me wait in the car. went and got two cards and a single flower. wrote in them. then handed them to me when he got back in looking like I should be greatful? or surprised? after waiting in a hot car while he did this? why didn't he wait til I was home and go get them? He used to get me fresh flowers every week, come home with them, surprise me.
12. the most recent. two days before he left, I decided to look in his phone because he is constantly texting. he doesn't text me like that, or respond to me very often. and seeing him text constantly when I get no reply bothered. me. ok Im justifying myself, I don't need to. yah. I looked in his phone. There was one string of texts that was very long. with some girl I do not know, talking about how hot he thought she was. talking about wanting to explore her scars when she said she had a big scar on her tit. talking about wanting to taste her, and cant wait. he said he was just harmless flirting, that he always does that. i've never known him to do that. he especially doesn't do that to me. i can send him dirty pictures to get a one word response. said he understands how I could be offended and would stop. that was the end of the conversation. he was irritated when I brought it up the next day. I needed more from him. I was so angry and hurt that he would not think of my feelings. after all this time. after all the things that had happened. I wrote him a letter stating everything I felt and why. he said he read it. he never talked about it. he left for training like it was all ok. and its not.
small constant occurences.
Bitches about my housecleaning. in ways that make me feel inadequate or small.
Bitches if he doesn't get a good grade because I didn't help him on his homework.
has his friends/whoever do his homework as well. mostly writing papers and reviews.
will bug me when he knows I am busy with my daughter or doing something.
will say he wants to do something, then when we go to do it change his mind. like eating somewhere, or going to the beach.
will not go horseriding with me he says because he cant stand my mom, where my horses are. understandable, but make the sacrifice.
does not introduce me to friends. most his friends are girls. he will mention a name, then never mention it again.
I DONT WANT TO BELIEVE IT- BUT THESE ARE THE FACTS.
Good things.
1. financially responsible. very much so.
2. Got me and my daughter a place and put his neck out financially when I lost my job and was about to be in a shelter.
3. when it comes down to it, he doesn't leave me
4. the person I love in him is awesome. its the other I don't like.
5. He sometimes helps me out.
6. he used to make me feel special and wanted.
7. sex is good, but not as good as it used to be.
8. I have seen him change for better... but its always something new.
screw this good list, because honestly I cant think of things to say. sometimes I lay next to him and think I must be lucky. the bad overrides the good. it was easier to write... I cant write like that about good things. he throws my ptsd in my face. he makes me feel bad about it, then looks at me weird for feeling that way like that's not what he meant and who the hell have I been with in the past? I have to say... IF I FEEL IT = ITS REAL. its NOT in my head. ITS NOT!!! im doing this to put it in perspective. I should have plenty of good things to say and talk about and be happy about.
the fantasy= he is going to get commission. he is going to be an officer. he is going to provide for us and just let me go to school for my doctorate. we are going to have the family we always wanted, kids, stability, vacations, trips, happy. going to be able to say we made it.
its not gonna happen. I don't want this.
what I want = peace. understanding. horse rides, fishing, camping, enjoying the same things together. not fighting. calmness. trust. someone who wouldn't cross my boundaries because they RESPECT ME.
major bads over the past 2 1/2 years. no feelings. just facts. short and simple.
1st incident, I should have known then. lied to me about wanting to give money to his ex. his exact words as to why? he wanted to see what it was like to fight with me, wanted to see what I was like angry. he apologized, said it was wrong of him and would never do it again.
2nd incident. lied to me about hanging with his ex. left me at home cooking dinner while he took her out to an expensive dinner. bought her Victoria secret bras. lied to me about hanging out with her.
4. when I told him I was leaving because of the above, he had a total fit. blamed it on me. said I was controlling. said I had to leave that day and threw my stuff outside. then went back and got it. my daughter saw me so upset that I puked and felt the need to stand up to him for me, and tell me she always loves me, at 2 years old.
5. after I moved we started talking again. I was buying his car from him. he threatened to call the police to take it back because he was angry with me after I had asked him what I meant to him because he wouldn't say he was with me, wouldn't get back together but came over to eat my food and have sex with me. I was not welcome at his house even though Im the one that found it for him cause he asked for my help. I did show up unannounced once to be nice and bring him a sandwich cause he said he was hungry, which I spent my last ten bucks on. I didn't have a phone. he looked very surprised to see me, then took his phone and disappeared in the bathroom for 10 minutes right away. he did not respond to my texts or calls unless he wanted to. I then went and bought my truck.
6. all summer, played the on again off again game. played the hot cold love me love me not. we were not together because HE did not want a relationship, he said he was trying to focus on himself. he did not hold hands with me or kiss me in public the rare times we went out. he continued this behavior. I was not allowed to see other people. I tried and he flipped, even though he refused to say we were even seeing each other. he also continued to throw the fact that I left him in my face, and the ptsd.
7. he would get, does get strange phone calls, where I see the number calling him. he cuts it off short saying he is "busy" or studying. when I confronted him about it he said it was his friend bri, who I know. but it wasn't her number he was talking to. then he says it was Jennifer, who I also know... I said why did you lie? why don't you talk to your friend? why wont you tell her you are with me? he says ill prove it. he then calls Jennifer and embarrasses me, saying Teshia doesn't think that you know about her. but Jennifer wasn't who had called. she had no idea what he was talking about.
8. we got back together because he walked in and said, we are dating now. and after that he slowly started to hold my hand in public again.
9. I had a major trigger. I called him, he said he was sleeping. I called my ex, my baby's surrogate dad to talk about the incident, because it was mostly due to him not paying what he owed me, and got me in a bind. and we were friends and I asked him to bring me a cigarette. I needed to calm down. bad of me to call both of them but I wasn't thinking clearly. He came. the boyfriend came right after. we weren't "together" then. He beat the crap out of my ex, who would not, does not, has not ever, fight and did not instigate anything.
10. we moved back in together. a couple months after there was one of the bigger fights aside from the continuous petty ones. he was trying to discipline my daughter, I got in the way as I didn't like it. he swung around and nearly clipped me with his fist when I touched him trying to get him to come talk to me. he then pressed his face into my face and backed me up. then kinda threw my dog in the corner and kicked a hamster ball.
11. a couple months later he actually hit me. I was trying to talk about how I felt about our relationship and he got angry and broke my daughters unicorn picture on the wall. she was upset and I put myself between him and her and told him to go. he backed up, I said are you seriously going to hit me? and he did. I blocked most of it but had a decent knot on the back of my head, then again, went after my dog outside. he promises to make it right, to go to counseling. I didn't promise him to stay, but I did. things got ok again, I was actually believing that it would be a one time occurrence, or trying to.
12. Money sharing has never been an issue. he has always done more than his share. he should be in jail from the above and lose all his scholarship and not be able to be an army officer. but he is off in training for the program for a month, and I paid his bills. He had been promising to replace the frame of my daughters picture he broke. its a simple small picture. could replace the frame with dollar store frames. I gave him 1000 dollars and paid rent, and he didn't use a dime of it to do that.
11. THIS really bugs me, I don't know why. before he left he had me pull into a flowers to go shop. had me wait in the car. went and got two cards and a single flower. wrote in them. then handed them to me when he got back in looking like I should be greatful? or surprised? after waiting in a hot car while he did this? why didn't he wait til I was home and go get them? He used to get me fresh flowers every week, come home with them, surprise me.
12. the most recent. two days before he left, I decided to look in his phone because he is constantly texting. he doesn't text me like that, or respond to me very often. and seeing him text constantly when I get no reply bothered. me. ok Im justifying myself, I don't need to. yah. I looked in his phone. There was one string of texts that was very long. with some girl I do not know, talking about how hot he thought she was. talking about wanting to explore her scars when she said she had a big scar on her tit. talking about wanting to taste her, and cant wait. he said he was just harmless flirting, that he always does that. i've never known him to do that. he especially doesn't do that to me. i can send him dirty pictures to get a one word response. said he understands how I could be offended and would stop. that was the end of the conversation. he was irritated when I brought it up the next day. I needed more from him. I was so angry and hurt that he would not think of my feelings. after all this time. after all the things that had happened. I wrote him a letter stating everything I felt and why. he said he read it. he never talked about it. he left for training like it was all ok. and its not.
small constant occurences.
Bitches about my housecleaning. in ways that make me feel inadequate or small.
Bitches if he doesn't get a good grade because I didn't help him on his homework.
has his friends/whoever do his homework as well. mostly writing papers and reviews.
will bug me when he knows I am busy with my daughter or doing something.
will say he wants to do something, then when we go to do it change his mind. like eating somewhere, or going to the beach.
will not go horseriding with me he says because he cant stand my mom, where my horses are. understandable, but make the sacrifice.
does not introduce me to friends. most his friends are girls. he will mention a name, then never mention it again.
I DONT WANT TO BELIEVE IT- BUT THESE ARE THE FACTS.
Good things.
1. financially responsible. very much so.
2. Got me and my daughter a place and put his neck out financially when I lost my job and was about to be in a shelter.
3. when it comes down to it, he doesn't leave me
4. the person I love in him is awesome. its the other I don't like.
5. He sometimes helps me out.
6. he used to make me feel special and wanted.
7. sex is good, but not as good as it used to be.
8. I have seen him change for better... but its always something new.
screw this good list, because honestly I cant think of things to say. sometimes I lay next to him and think I must be lucky. the bad overrides the good. it was easier to write... I cant write like that about good things. he throws my ptsd in my face. he makes me feel bad about it, then looks at me weird for feeling that way like that's not what he meant and who the hell have I been with in the past? I have to say... IF I FEEL IT = ITS REAL. its NOT in my head. ITS NOT!!! im doing this to put it in perspective. I should have plenty of good things to say and talk about and be happy about.
the fantasy= he is going to get commission. he is going to be an officer. he is going to provide for us and just let me go to school for my doctorate. we are going to have the family we always wanted, kids, stability, vacations, trips, happy. going to be able to say we made it.
its not gonna happen. I don't want this.
what I want = peace. understanding. horse rides, fishing, camping, enjoying the same things together. not fighting. calmness. trust. someone who wouldn't cross my boundaries because they RESPECT ME.
Take care Dracona.
never forget what the bad times feel like.
the whole point of the list is to remember how awful it felt...like we barely made it. you take away from that when you list "positive things" and "fantasies".
we're allowed ambivalence but not fantasy.