Normally I tell people to never give up... to keep going...

Today I need someone to tell me this.

I'm losing faith in humanity, i'm losing faith in myself, and i'm losing faith in my career choices and ability.

I've fought my entire life, from an abusive upbringing, to growing up to find my own personal abusers of every kind, over and over again.

Just when I think I'm getting to a good point I hit a brick wall. My PTSD is running rampant. My ex is out going to school on full scholarships while he awaits his trial that keeps being continued for attempted murder. while he waits might as well have a beer, go on vacation, and finish his bachelors degree in theatre and theology. He doesnt have to report to anyone, and is an army officer.

Im in school, to be either a psychologist or Clinical social worker, which i do not know yet because of problems with that. I want to step out and create an entire new way of therapy, that is AFFORDABLE to anyone. However I am losing faith in my ability, why did i choose this career path when I am like this? WHY didnt i just go be an artist at the beautiful school down the road from my house? I commute an hour away to school, take a heavy course load, hoping to open a non profit therapy ranch to help people, but i am hitting walls with the justice system, and finding my own help. Im trying to find my own help, so i can get out there and help others... I called the vet crisis line today. they referred me to a vet center that specializes in PTSD. and what they told me? that they will not see me because I never encountered combat and my ptsd comes from somewhere else.

My primary care doctor was changed again without my knowledge, and the front desk person, who is normally condescending and rude anyway, threatened to hang up on me when i demanded more of an explanation while trying to get an EKG ordered so they can try and locate the source of my nerve pain so i can friggin feel my damn feet and arms properly and the podiatrist couldnt order it because they couldnt find my primare care doctor.

My boyfriend and I are having problems, not because he is anything but wonderful, but because of me. I cant feel right, i lose time. I disassociate and space out. I dont enjoy sex, Ive always had problems with it. I will want to, but the wrong touch, look, kiss... just makes it all go away and i go numb. I just am at a loss and dont know what to do, because he is such a great person and this is killing us.

and my ex being allowed out after trying to kill him is killing us.

just so many brick walls...