Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Not just men, but in everyday life.
I try to be true to myself, what is left of myself. i make an attempt to be happy. i make an attempt to be true.
I cant stand it, when people lie to me, about things that dont even mean anything, about things that its obvious they are lying about. i watched my roomate "pretend" to do the dishes. said she did all the dishes from a get together we had and only stopped and left the half a sink because she pruned up. however, there was still sinkfuls of dishes. i have also seen her bring her dishes out and not wash them... but she says she does it everytime, and when someone is looking she will do a bowl or two to make it look like she is doing it. she puts a lot of effort to support her lies. why not just put that much effort into actually doing it? just an example. people put more work into their lies than they do with their reality. it makes me look at myself and wonder what i put my energy into.
I try to be true to myself, what is left of myself. i make an attempt to be happy. i make an attempt to be true.
I cant stand it, when people lie to me, about things that dont even mean anything, about things that its obvious they are lying about. i watched my roomate "pretend" to do the dishes. said she did all the dishes from a get together we had and only stopped and left the half a sink because she pruned up. however, there was still sinkfuls of dishes. i have also seen her bring her dishes out and not wash them... but she says she does it everytime, and when someone is looking she will do a bowl or two to make it look like she is doing it. she puts a lot of effort to support her lies. why not just put that much effort into actually doing it? just an example. people put more work into their lies than they do with their reality. it makes me look at myself and wonder what i put my energy into.
It is utter insanity at its core.
You stand there and are blown away as you attempt to Force the Truth to be the Reality but up against their Lie it is a tug-of-war that just should NOT be happening.
It is funny you posted this, because my motto in this life is: "This above all else; be true to thine self" -- Shakespeare
If you can't do that - then you are a liar or you are lying to yourself.
N's can't do that - they have False Selves that they are Projecting and will Take and Take and Feed and Feed until they have Emptied You of "You".
I know my xn would say he didnt say something, right after he said it. like one fight where he stormed out of the house, he had 3 hours before he had to go to work, he was on the computer and said he was going to nap. i was napping. i made no effort to move because i didnt feel well. i wasnt going to move till he was on his way over. he got mad about that. left storming out of the house. i called him asking what the deal was, he said that he told me he had to work, and that i know this, and that i need to be understanding of his work schedule with the navy... really.... WTF? he just said he wanted a nap. but he said he will never say that. i used to think i was hearing things, that maybe it was all in my head.
oh they make you so crazy
It is utter insanity.
And even if you have them video recorded I doubt it would make a freakin dent in their Ego.
After-all, mine was "unlawfully arrested" - even with witnesses present. He completely dances around the Facts like they are atom bombs. . . and successfully make their lies a false reality right before your eyes. It is nearly amazing....have you ever watched really watched a spider weave its web? It is a truly fascinating thing to behold - it is so amazing that you sit in awe that they are able to do it with such ease.
A compliment for the spider but a disgusting thing to witness from the N.
To be sure, it is an art they have perfected to protect their False Selves and precious sick Egos.
Before you know it you begin to question the Truth you know to be Real.
Freaking insane.
my ex used to tell me about his ex wife, that she was crazy, called him all the time at work, didnt understand that he was in the navy and had to work, almost got him kicked out of the navy. said she tried to commit suicide, that she even cut him with some knives one time. that she was a "tide wife" and put a box of tide bleach in the window when he was out to sea, basically prostitution while the husbands are away. that he caught her with a chief. that she refused to work, and he even found her a job that she refused to go to.
hmm... towards the end he said i didnt understand his navy career. ie.. he hides behind his navy career and uses it as an excuse. said i almost got him kicked out of the navy. said i cheated on him and stole his money for drugs. said the baby wasnt his. said i refused to work, he TOLD me not to work, said he wanted me to take some time for me and find a job that i really enjoyed. he tried then to get me a job at mcdonalds. yuck. basically all the same things he said about his ex wife, he said about me.
Said ex was crazy. Abusive. Would have crazy outbursts of anger for no reason. Said when he was away that she let people move in and wreak their home.
Now I'm crazy. I'm the abusive one (I've never done anything - ever...I'm a bloody angelic being in his presence). I had crazy outbursts of anger for no reason. I let some man move into our home (my gay best friend who he knows and this was after he was arrested for DV and not away on deployment). Said I purposefully destroyed our home by neglect (there was an a/c leak and it was all covered by insurance and had nothing to do with neglect, it just happened - no way to prevent it or know until it happened -but the lies are there in legal court documents for me to be forced to Prove wrong). I lost two careers by marrying him and moving away for "his" career - not able to find good employment while overseas I went back to college and now I am at three classes towards my degree - but unemployed and now he says I have stolen "his" money and need to quit sucking him dry and "go get a job" (I was a homeowner with two careers when he was nothing but a unemployed boy living off me - now, he is living in "our" house as I refinanced it and put his name on it.; stupid me.) He has lied about so much....most recently he told his military legal and command that I stole thousands of dollars of "his" money - they stopped allotments to me based on his lies. I am now having to Prove the lies are lies - which I can easily do because I have legal documents that prove it but OMG - Really? To even think someone would stoop so low as to lie to the court about things that can be proven to be false - talk about an EGO!!!! Seriously .... !!!
Grade A+ Ego there!
I mean his sh*t just doesn't stink. and me....well, I'm Cruella Deville, duncha know. I have Black Horns growing out of my head!! I have "hurt" him so much. I was the one that destroyed our relationship. I should have known better.
All this coming from a two-faced drunk Narcissist who stayed out with two other women until 4:30am after leaving me in a parking lot the night prior. Coming home inebriated; Mysteriously loses his phone while away on business trips; - but it was no big deal of course - I should not be so upset - duncha know. I must always answer my cell when he calls or he gets angry.
What is my problem? He is perfect after all and I should "recognize" he has Rights that I do not have. He did no wrong and how I Feel doesn't matter. Throws me violently out of our home - commits horrible domestic violence and I had the gall to have him arrested!
What is my problem?
Don't I see how great I have it?
Don't I realize what a great love I have?
How he has never treated me bad?
OMG - the gall....
These are the twisted web of lies he spews out of his lush-ish lips.
How dare I.
How dare I call him on his behaviors and refuse to be treated like trash.
How dare I demand Accountability from him.
How dare I see him for what he is!
How dare I kick him out of "his" house.
How dare I take money out of the bank that was "his" money.
These are unforgivable atrocities that I have committed on his Narcissistic Ego.
I crossed the N-unforgivable Line in the sand there.....the Jig was up and his Blemishes were on display for all to see. The Mask was off and there he was Naked Narc!
Not a pretty site to be sure.
In the mean time his lies have cost me severely.
I am jobless and now penniless and homeless as I left the home I originally owned and the judge gave me exclusive rights to under the Restraining Order because of him. I was at my wits end and couldn't stand to be in the house. He violated the RO then cut off all the power, cable, my phone and I had no money to pay for them so I had to leave. Probably could have stayed but that was months ago and I still can't find employment. Fortunately I have family and friends to care for me until I am finally on my feet again. Which in this economy I have no idea when that will be.
All my stuff is in a storage unit and I am living in small room like I am student in a college dorm.
The thing is -- I didn't put his name on the house until just last year - December. Yeah, and he always kept bugging me about it....when are you going to put my name on the house. Well, when we came back to the states the Interest rates were so low that I figured it would be a good idea.
Now - he is in MY house.
and...I'm in a freaking tiny Room, with no money, none of my stuff, and the reality that stings every morning I open my eyes.
And to make matters worse - I have to learn to heal from this emotional rape he has committed on my heart and soul and learn to not love his sick ass anymore.
You would think that would be Easy considering the above mentioned....but, it is not. It is hard.
It is very hard.
Since then, he has used his N Charm and the Emotional raped Scars he left as his Road Map to gain access back into my head/heart - twisting things with amazing agility just to get me to do thing to make me in the end look crazier and crazier.
I even got in car and traveled with the money I barely had to get by on to go get him "his" dog and bring it to him -- all on the eager anticipating that I would get to see him, feel him, sleep with him again. Then he turned on me yet again - but got what he wanted....power and control back....not to mention his dog and I did it all at his "command".
and this story just goes on and on and on.
Until I stopped it Oct. 19th with No Contact yet again.
In spite of all that he is and I now know that he is... the brutal reality is I know that if I were to see him and he were to touch me, come close and whisper in my ear and I feel his warm breath on my neck I would become putty in his hands. I would basically be standing there begging him to make me putty. -Pleeeease please play with me!
It is just not right.
This I know.
This is the disturbing part of the pathologically based relationship dynamic.
He hurts my Duck Toe and I stick out the other foot!
Please please just hurt me again I NEED you to hurt me again. Stomp on my other Duck Toe!
The cycle must stop and the only way is to write things like this. Listen to posts like yours and others and keep remembering the Truths of the matter and have NO CONTACT - ever - if possible. And today I celebrate as it has been One month and one day of No Contact.
well, its behind you now. rebuild. start over. as much as it stinks to do so.
it is sick for how long they can still control us if they want. thats why no contact is so imperative. so needed. they know what to say, how to say it, how to do it.
you know, writing that statement, i just realized something. im not longer with Narcs.. im with a good man, who i find very boring. but he doesnt know when to say it, do it, or touch me. and i get mad at him for it. i feel like he doesnt care for me because he doesnt pay enough attention to me to know what to do or say. which is why i find him boring and a major frustration. but to have the latter i would pretty much have to be with a narc. i now lack the social skills to be able to weed out narcs from the good ones unless its blatantly obvious. what scares me, is i could be that person again. i could end up with one again. in the same boat. im happy with the guy i got now.. he is safe and loving. he wont hurt me, not like that..
wow... im really having an issue right now or something, cause when i just said he wouldnt hurt me it brought back flashbacks of me saying that before, about ex's.
holy hell they really messed up my reality. i dont know which end is up now. and its been 2 years since i have been with a narc
⢠To Fenax: I think you are right, if you had video taped in and showed it to them, even if they didnât do it on purpose they would never apologize or feel guilt over it. It would all be no big deal and you need to stop overreacting. Why? Because they are incapable of the level of emotional maturity that would allow them to take responsibility for what they have done.
⢠To Dracona: OMG! I am right there with you. OF course we are sensitive to being used, lied to and manipulated. We are at a point where we do not want to tolerate this from ayone. It is important to be aware of this so we donât get in a relationship like this again, but I think I fear that I might overreact due to the still healing wounds.
⢠To Fenax: OMG again! How dare you! How many times have I said this to myself! How dare I.
How dare I call him on his behaviors and refuse to be treated like trash.
How dare I demand Accountability from him.
How dare I see him for what he is!
How dare I kick him out of "his" house.
I need not go on. Having no respect from the one we love, we are viewed as âless thanâ. His entire being, his actions, his words are all crazy making, it is insanityâ¦I believe that is why they drink, they know they are inconsistent as hell, have no integrity what so ever and are only a shell of a human. They are desperately trying to survive and their coping mechanisms give only temporary help like a bandaid. If they do not get professional help they will die with out having truly loved and having been able to feel true love. It is their loss, their own hardship and we must leave to unburden ourselves from this illness, so it doesnât damage us any further. I am so sorry to hear you left your houseâ¦I fear I am not too far behind you in losing all that I worked so hard for my entire life, just to get him out of my life. It is hard not to want to get revenge, not to fight for hwat is mine, but I ask is it worth it? You are right, the cycle must stop, I totally cringed when I read your words about him spinning his magic around you and drawing you in for some warmth and connection, only to be rejected again. This only goes to prove how we are dealing with persons tha re truly psychologically stunted in emotional growth, maybe that is why we are drawn to them. The abandon of a childâs desires is very appealing. Add to that years of practice at manipulation to get exactly what they need (they think everything they want is an actual need! We know the difference) and you have a very difficult situation to resist when you are hurting and needing exactly what they bait the hook with.
You brought up a really good topic about figuring out what a good man is. WE all thought we were with great men, passionate men and had passionate love only to find out we had pathologically women hating men. I found your post very interesting becuase I was thinking that this may be the case, that a man thatwould be truly caring and giving may well be quite boring and then even worse fear that I am truly boring for fear of attracting any narcissist again. I think this is related to the pain I feel when I grieve the loss of what I believed I had and what I thought my future would hold. I also fear that I will never feel love like I did. do we instictually know that the feelings we thoguht were love weren't really love but addictive as some illicit drug? What is life without that feeling of someone you adore showering you with attention and lovemaking? I wonder if it will ever be the same and at the same time I am scared to death of it becuase I do not EVER want to go wehre I could be abused liek this again.
wow... im really having an issue right now or something, cause when i just said he wouldnt hurt me it brought back flashbacks of me saying that before, about ex's.
holy hell they really messed up my reality. i dont know which end is up now. and its been 2 years since i have been with a narc "
This --- is scary. The fact that we are indeed attracted - at our core to pathologically based sh@t!
It is true.
The damn Narcs are incredible at the attention and the intensity of affection they give - and I too, have noticed that "Normal/Healthy" guys are NOT like that - to that degree - NOT at all. The N's Paid so much attention to us - they literally Learned us Very very well to help facilitate their needs, but they were good at it.
Normal doesn't do that.
That is the thing isn't it?
We are not attracted to Normal.
We are attracted to pathologically based relationship models.
That's just great!
Just freaking great!
It reminds me of an article I read for a college course: A woman such as ourselves - on the mend, realizing what/who she is addicted to (Narc/Pathological person), starts dating a "normal" fella, and discovers she can't take it....and would rather have the distorted drama, twisted version of love, back instead of being bored to death by someone who is just too "normal" for her to enjoy and love.
So, what to do with that Ladies?
We have to learn to love something we don't love and really are not attracted to because we are attracted to sick psychos who hurt us and yet we love them for it.
Wtf!?
OMG. We need constant therapy - cause this is hard.
I thought my xN was such a man. He led me to believe, over the course of a year and a half long distance, (including 6 months of up to 8 hours of web cam contact while we both worked from our home computers and 11 days of living together in my home as a 'trial') that he was THE ONE. He totally convinced me, totally conned me, and then totally raped my soul. When the true xN was revealed to me within 3 months after he moved here, I ran. I ran because I am NOT attracted to sick psychos.
I am not in therapy now to help me stop being addicted to sick psychos. I am not addicted to sick psychos. I am attracted to wonderful men. And my xN pretended to be a wonderful man.
I am in therapy now to recover from being soul raped by an incredibly evil man who conned me into believing that he was a wonderful man. He set me up. His entire goal, from the moment he got here, was to collect backup NS, and to bring me to my knees. He accomplished both in 3 months time.
So, that is why I am in counseling...I want my old self back and I cannot find me. I used to be happy and not neurotic and an outstanding and highly published trial and appellate lawyer. Now I cannot even work. I am afraid of everything and everyone. I have PTSD. I am still reeling after 2 weeks of NC. It has been 22 months since this all started on FB. GOD I hate FB now. lol. It opens the door for all these Ns to hunt us down again and suck us in again. If it weren't for FB, he never would have found me again.
I am seriously shocked at how much this experience with a Pathological N has affected me. It has affected me profoundly. Before, I liked nice men. Now I fear them. Before I believed what people said until I had reason to doubt them. Now I doubt them outright. Before, I didn't hate rich men or poor men. Now I hate them both. Before I loved life. Now I fear it. Before I was happy. Now I am numb. Before, I had faith in God and in my instincts and in myself. He took all of that away. He took my faith! That is what soul rape is! And he left me in this heap on the ground and does not even give a shit about what he's done to me.
I am in therapy to help me find my faith again, find my hope again, find myself again. I am in therapy to learn how to understand what happened, and to somehow forgive him so I can move on. So far, I cannot forgive him. And I would seriously enjoy smashing him in the chest with a 2 x 4 so he could at least physically feel what he did to me when he broke my heart.
So....no, I don't agree that the problem is us, ladies. The problem is THEM, and we need help recovering from them because we got conned and soul raped by the devil.
I've been thinking maybe I'm a masochist. I love torturing myself with pain, and that's what I do, with or without him. I wallow in my depression. I think about him every minute and cry every night. I know I'm doing it to myself.
And your right, if he were to see me, I'd be putty in his hands. I hate to admit it and I wish I was stronger than this. I did NC for 1 week then fell off the wagon when he kept emailing, texting, calling me telling me how he never stopped loving me.
Then I keep thinking maybe it was my fault? Maybe I was being too harsh, too demanding, and I was the one who kept insulting him and calling him the worst names. He didn't call me any names. I think I was the verbally abusive one and he was the emotionally abusive one.
I too am scared that I will never fall in love like that again. I want that passion again. I have never felt that much passion for any man before, and I've had lots of previous relationships. I wanted to marry him, and yesterday he told me he wanted to come here this weekend to propose. But I know he's manipulative. He's all talk and no action.
Sorry for the ramble. I just don't know what to do.
You KNOW this man is bad to you and for you. Please stay strong against him.
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
I don't know how to do a link but please look up the group Narcissist Victim Syndrome Survivors and check out the discussion called Am I Accountable?
Please do this. What exactly were you demanding Wyn and was it really so bad? To be treated with respect? As a human being? Thats normal to ask for - he probably isn't normal though
Much love xx