First, I think it's a good thing NOT to box up your emotions. Take it from one who thought she was being organized (it worked while I raised my son ...) when she sealed and hid the box away. It is SO difficult now to feel that I push others away instead of taking a risk of being hurt again ... until the biggest hurter of all comes into the picture ... or someone who resembles him far too closely. All night I tossed and turned in anxiety about everything that's good for me. Should I continue to study with my new study partner without the book? (I asked the title and ordered it.), Why did I schedule a swimming lesson on my one day off? (I love swimming!), and Why did I say I'd join my friend tonight for a gathering? (Well, 'nuff said.)

If HE contacted me, in the past, I'd change it all. Hah! Of course, he's not contacting me. I'm not, as Susy wrote, "exploitable enough".

Now, if only my heart could open up a little bit and take a walk with my mind ... I might be onto something.

Please don't push yourself, solo. To be caring is HUGE!

Sending you love ...

Why would you say ANYTHING to him if he comes back around (which he will)? Any reply is supply. Anything you have to say to him, you come and tell us. Wanting to tell them something, while perfectly normal, indicated that you still do not understand that nothing has an impact on them. That your words, just like your feelings are meaningless. Wanting to say something to them means you still want to reach them on some level. Better to let everything be said with silence. That means: I am on to you buddy and there is nothing you can say that will allow me to be reeled in because I will not give you the opportunity.

No. No. I didn't make myself clear. I have no intention of opening any door to him. I will not be his supply. It has been four months and four days of NC. I will not start over. The play being produced in my head is just me pretending. I know what he would say if and when...He'd say "do you still care?" There was a time I would have said, "I will always care". Now " I would say "it's pointless to care about you..it didn't count for anything when I did care". Or in my fantasy I hear myself finally having the chance to say "you were right. It hurts too much to love you". It's just my way of releasing my hurt. I admit. I do want to reach him on some level. I want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I want the satisfaction of feeling that I was strong enough to walk away. I need that to rebuild. It is part of the healing for me. Maybe you don't need that. Maybe, in time, I won't either but right now, that's what's happening in my head.

I seem to be at a different stage of recovery than I was a week or so ago but I reading to find a way to reprogram my head. I wish I could find someone around here who did that therapy you had told us about recently. So far, no luck on that. I'll start another search tomorrow.

* I meant to say I'm trying to find a way

Solo, I know what you are saying here. I have played out countless scenarios of what I would say to the spineless coward if he ever crossed my path but I KNOW I would never give him the satisfaction of ANY response/reaction. I write it all down and GET IT OUT. It's almost 6 months for me and it is getting easier. I think about him less and less. It still amazes me that we seem to have dated the same man/freak and go through the same dreadful aftermath.
As part of my healing I did a self-defence course a few weeks ago. It has had an amazing effect on my self-esteem. I am 48 btw so no spring chicken! I released so much anger that day and came away exhausted but empowered. When I got there, I had difficulty getting out of the car as I was so terrified. I had had limited contact with the outside world for 4 months, almost a prisoner in my own home, crippled by PTSD. I got in there and managed to visualise xn and by the end of the day had got all the anger out as well as learnt valuable skills. A different woman left the building that evening! Do not mess with this Momma!
Do what you have to do (and only YOU know what that is) to get through this stage. I felt stuck. I had made progress but the cog diss and intrusive thoughts were driving me NUTS. I have somehow managed to get unstuck through coming here, having therapy, EMDR, reading, reading and more reading and taking baby steps every day. I KNEW I needed my self esteem back so went on a course that did exactly that. It was way out of my comfort zone but as I read and pondered after therapy I understood that I needed to do exactly that and boy, has it helped!
Take time to ponder what you really need right now. We have plenty of time to ponder now that xns have gone! Make it about YOU darling xx

EMDR.That's the therapy I'm trying to find. I'm out away from any good size town. It's about a 100 miles to an area that might have that. If I'd have to go several times a month, it isn't going to be practical.

Try calling the therapist and discuss your needs. I am sure you will find a solution!

I can't believe what I'm seeing on TV! The Discovery Channel has a segment on called Anatomy Of Sex. They're doing an experiment SHOWING a couple having intercourse in a MRI capsule!