Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
so yesterday I made him take me to the seaside…its about an hour and a half away. I so wanted and needed to go.
It was a sunny day so why not!
He resisted my 'suggestion' even though he asked me what I wanted to do today…he said 'no I don't feel like doing that today' so I said. 'well, I do. You asked me what I wanted to do then you tell me I can't do it….whats up with you!!!' …so I came down after about half an hour and said 'right lets go, Ive packed lunch and some tea… and he just said yes you are right lets go.!
Jeeez….
so off we went.
anyway my idea was to get out of the house ( yippee) and to get him somewhere I could tell him about going to therapy.
So we ended up walking along the beach and into a cafe.
I told him how I had been having flashbacks during sex to my abuse/rapes., and that it made things difficult for me.
I told him why I was so insecure and scared of him leaving me.
I told him I was sick with fear most days and shook all the time down to my trauma history.
I told him I wanted to be a better wife.
I told him I didn't want to live in fear anymore and I needed to do whatever it takes to get better….
I told him I had gone behind his back and seen a therapist.
I told him I was sorry and I hoped he didn't think I had made him fall in love with someone I wasn't…that I had been living a lie?!
He told me…. I needed to go to the place of my first trauma and try and confront it.
(Hes not giving up on this one either)
this morning, he started to make love to me…
after a little while and it was getting on… he said I have to stop, can you just stop, I keep getting flashbacks to my traumas and I can't carry on. I keep thinking of you and what he did to you so I can't make love to you myself now….
which of course made me feel as dirty and unwanted as the man had made me feel when I was 7.
so now he is saying he has been traumatised. What on earth is going on with that.
I suppose he needs the attention back on him.
Im unsure how to handle this now….I feel dirtier than ever.
It was a sunny day so why not!
He resisted my 'suggestion' even though he asked me what I wanted to do today…he said 'no I don't feel like doing that today' so I said. 'well, I do. You asked me what I wanted to do then you tell me I can't do it….whats up with you!!!' …so I came down after about half an hour and said 'right lets go, Ive packed lunch and some tea… and he just said yes you are right lets go.!
Jeeez….
so off we went.
anyway my idea was to get out of the house ( yippee) and to get him somewhere I could tell him about going to therapy.
So we ended up walking along the beach and into a cafe.
I told him how I had been having flashbacks during sex to my abuse/rapes., and that it made things difficult for me.
I told him why I was so insecure and scared of him leaving me.
I told him I was sick with fear most days and shook all the time down to my trauma history.
I told him I wanted to be a better wife.
I told him I didn't want to live in fear anymore and I needed to do whatever it takes to get better….
I told him I had gone behind his back and seen a therapist.
I told him I was sorry and I hoped he didn't think I had made him fall in love with someone I wasn't…that I had been living a lie?!
He told me…. I needed to go to the place of my first trauma and try and confront it.
(Hes not giving up on this one either)
this morning, he started to make love to me…
after a little while and it was getting on… he said I have to stop, can you just stop, I keep getting flashbacks to my traumas and I can't carry on. I keep thinking of you and what he did to you so I can't make love to you myself now….
which of course made me feel as dirty and unwanted as the man had made me feel when I was 7.
so now he is saying he has been traumatised. What on earth is going on with that.
I suppose he needs the attention back on him.
Im unsure how to handle this now….I feel dirtier than ever.
look at a calendar, and think hard. how long are you willing to put up with it? how long are you willing to give it all you have got? find that date, whether its months or weeks out. a date that doesnt cause anxiety. circle it. THAT is your date to leave if things do not start shaping up. during this time up to the date be the best person you can be, be honest with your needs. keep conscious of your surroundings and interactions with people. make a plan so that if you have to leave on that date, then you are ready to do so. be as much of yourself that you can be, the you that makes you happy. learn to accept compliments. go to art shows. Go to that therapy. tell him you are going, you cant make him go. if your relationship isnt good when you are trying to be your best, then it isnt going to be good or supportive when you are at your worst, or when life happens and stressful situations arise.
its just an idea, but ive found it helps
I have problems seeing how bad this all is.
I can't seem to clarify whats bad and what isn't - I have always had to ask other people - should he do this?or that? Im not sure how to work on that.