oh sunny, you can't wiin can you. that is terrible and horribly abusive, emotionally of him.

if i were you i would get yourself back in therapy and please please don't go to the source and confront it that would deb very damaging for you right now.

and i would just simply tell him that since you are both traumatized by sex that you have made the decision to not have sex for a period of time. then get in therapy and talk to your therapist about it.

a close friend of mine actually went through this in a healthy relationship context. she and her husband didn't have sex for 2 years and she worked hard in therapy and now she is comfortable and they are fine. he was very patient and understanding and loving about it though.

unfortunately you have shared a very real and vulnerable part of yourself to an emotionally abusive man who can now use it against you in every way.

please see that sunny. please see that this is all him it's not about you. you are not dirty you never were b/c it was never your fault. you can make progress there with your perspective on that. you have to realize the source and put it back on the abuser. you have done nothing wrong. i get the dirty feeling i really do...please don't give him that power sunny. cut him off from sex right now for your own safety.....

like i said in another post it is going to be harder for you to heal while you are in a sick relationship.

if he is saying he is traumatized i'd use that to my advantage. fine. there is your break....you certainly wouldn't want to force him or traumatize him would you?? sarcastically.

cut him off. get in therapy. sunny the development of ptsd has to do with the support structure around the person at the time. well this is further trauma. this. what he's doing. is traumatizing to a traumatized person. so work on your support structure. i'm proud of you for that!!!!! protect yourself at all cost RIGHT NOW. from this day forward.......

just realize feeling dirty is shame. when you talk about shame and expose it with SAFE people it dilutes it and can make it go away............

Thaks Finn.
I get so confused by his reactions.

I hoped he would say - of course go back to therapy….( surely you would want your wife to get better…?!)
Instead all he said was that all I need is him and all I need to do is focus on that.

He wasn't saying he was only traumatised by me telling him but reflecting also on things which he said has traumatised him. ( he was wrongfully sacked from his career job and by being wrongfully accused of touching a young girl also (!?) he said he was traumatised in his life too.

It made me feel he was belittling my 'trauma' and what I had told him. I mean the abuse at 7 was just the first one….but I think the others wouldn't have happened if I had dealt with the first one.
We don't show emotion in my family, not emotions. If I was crying it had to be a reason like 'I fell over' I hurt my head' which is what I told my parents but they couldn't understand why I cried for days and days - but they never asked either…

You know us british folk just like to make light of serious stuff….maybe he thought he was empathising?!
But I know deep down it felt odd.

I have an appointment with my GP in a few weeks to get referred hopefully. but you have to be seriously mentally ill to get any help from the NHS here…so I will have to magnify things to get going. Silly isn't it. I know the system from my ex-H.

thanks Finn.
xxx

i'd say PTSD is a serious mental illness sunny. but if you have to be psychotic than it is silly.

regardless of his issues and his attempts to empathize with you you could stop the sex for the time being to protect yourself and find a sense of safety for yourself..... it's not a game. it's not about cutting him off. it's about honoring your little 7 year old. you were all alone sunny.

lots of families have the don't talk, don't trust rule, don't emote rule....it's hard when we grow up to push that aside but i know it can be done b/c i basically got fed up with all that and refused to keep any more secrets! i started talking and never stopped. i refused the role that was assigned to me.

i'm the identified patient in my family....and that role hasn't really changed b/c i did in fact become the one with all the problems. but i refused to be the scapegoat another day.

my anger helped me.....

do you feel anger??? do you feel sadness?? do you ever feel glad???

I don't really feel anything most of the time.
I have explained my anxiety over being asked how I feel by H and others…I just freeze and open and close my mouth!!! Its funny really.

I have got to the bit in the Pete Walker PTSD book about the 4 Fs Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn.
I Freeze/Fawn.!
Its really interesting.
x

have you read the critic yet?? you are so hard on yourself... most wwltm are and thats why self compassion is so important...

Hi Sunny,

That is a really good step you took to take him out and talk to him and be honest. Good for you. I'm sorry to hear he gave you so many mixed messages about going to the seaside. That is really confusing when he asks you what you want to do and then when you suggest something he says no (!).

I understand why you would feel upset when your husband was suddenly unable to make love to you...that is a hurtful thing to have him pull away like that. I do see though from his perspective how he could be thinking of everything that happen to you and it's suddenly too much for him. I don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt you in that instance.

Finn is right, PTSD is a serious mental illness...please just be patient with yourself and take the time you need and do whatever you need to do in order to feel better. It's all about baby steps every day, little things. Big hugs x

there is a thing called "secondary traumatization" and it may be what he is experienced.
i would say that some of the things you shared with him are better shared with a friend in the program or therapist because some people cant handle it , dont have the tools etc. but also to keep yourself safe.
and then also understand that he cant "rescue" you.
i often want that from a man i am with but it never works.

mylove, I just needed to tell him as I felt he needed to understand some of my (over) reactions to some things. I felt really shut off from him and I needed to try and make him understand the other things which are going on in my life. I had an inkling he would try and 'rescue' me…but needed to explain why I react to certain things, and why I feel so afraid of things. I hoped he would say to go back to therapy….!…but he didn't.

But when I do go back to therapy I want it to not be a secret or anything new to him. It makes me uncomfortable that Im not honest with him about this.


Finn, yes I am on the critic bit now! I find that reading on my kindle is good but I find it harder to see and understand the exercises, its a bit harder to navigate than a regular book. Now I have told H I can maybe be a bit more open about what I am reading. I feel less ashamed.

One bit of advice I read in another book was to get a photo of myself from this time of the trauma and try and see the difference between the child then and the adult I am now - it seems like it means me to disassociate myself from the child…?! Whats your view on this - is that right?!

i did a long time ago when i was doing inner child work...i actually framed a picture of myself with my horse at that time in my life....i loved that picture. i said it all. it captured the sadness i felt....


i think it's a good exercise....to have anything concrete is good for those of us who dissociate...

is it good to disassociate from that time - or is the object to embrace and understand what happened.?

I can't find any pictures of me looking really happy.
I had really long hair at that time and shortly after I cut it all off really short and used to wear dungarees and flannel shirts. People thought I was a boy. I can see now why I might have done that.

(I remember those shirts and dungarees being really comfy too though!!!)

i didn't look happy in my picture at all. but i was doing what i love when the picture was taken.

it's just my opinion but i think it's really important to embrace and understand what went wrong. it's the only way to validate ourselves. if we stay dissociated we can never really integrate ourselves into a whole person. sunny it wasn't our fault. we did the best we could to survive and that's why we developed dysfunctional coping skills...we didn't know better and we weren't taught better.

love that little girl who was so let down and left to her own devices. b/c truly they took the best care of us they knew how......we're in charge now. we can promise them that they will never have to stand up for us again b/c we are adults now and we are in charge. we will not stand for anyone annihilating our inner little girls ever again. honor her. take her by the hand. protect her. grieve........

Ok I get it now.

I met up with my girlfriend from where I used to live today. We walked in the sun, it was lovely.
She understands me and has similar issues, especially anxiety. She has a lot of panic attacks and as her mum has heart disease she thinks she's herself having a heart attack when she has a panic attack. Its good to help each other. but best of all it was good to be FREE!!!!
thanks Finn, luvya x

wow, connecting with old girlfriends and doing your own thing AND feeling FREE???

wonderful!!!

This is incredibly abusive. and very much gas lighting. If you are pursuing help it might be a journey you must make alone to be able to truly overcome it. You definitely don't need someone making you feel worse about it and re-triggering you into flashbacks, regardless of your relationship status. Take care of yourself, be easy on yourself. dont let him push you down. you need to be the focus of attention right now, and that means you also have to be your own focus

thanks Dracona, Im trying.
Im so stressed about leaving him I have decided to put that to the back burner for now. , when Im stronger I will face it.
at the moment its one day at a time.
Im trying to access therapy via the NHS.
x