Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I think i want to break up with him. im so tired of the constant wear and tear. there are so many small things that drive me nuts, they make me mean, and when im upset he has no clue why. he just thinks im being crazy.
yeah. crazy that i have asked you and asked you to NOT leave your hat on the table, or to clean the high chair off if you feed the baby so things dont get crusted on there and stink. to not leave glass beer bottles or your chewing tobacco out where the baby can reach it. to try to pick up after her a little if you are watching her. to just basically clean up after yourself. he thinks he does. he did the dishes the other day, some of them. he does a load of dishes, but not the pans or cups or silverware. then weeks later he is still saying he did them yesterday, and if he did it was only a couple cups. im constantly trying to keep the house clean. i tell him, that it is unattractive to me, for me to wake up, and see him on the computer slouched over, with messy, greasy hair, and a mess surrounding him around the house, nearly every day. he dont even turn around to say good morning to me, and when he tries to kiss me its always scruffy face and bad breath. my heart just sinks. and he wonders why i never want to have sex with him. he is never up and active. and if he is it was usually my idea. its computer games, work, or tv. and if i bug him about the computer, then he rolls his eyes and acts like i just asked him to jump off a bridge. I dont know what to do. something needs to change.
he likes to talk about things he wants to do, but lacks the discipline to do ANY of them. he is bad with finances, and while he does help me out, i want him to help HIMSELF out. at least he applied for a new job. we work at the same place, but i think he needs a job that he doesnt have to work for tips on so he can see what money he has. he always thinks he is broke when he makes way more money than he thinks. and i have more bills than he does and make less, and manage to make it. barely sometimes. but i do. and sometimes i do need help from him. but it usually costs him because he forgets he had a payment due for something. I dont know what to do. He is the only dad my daughter knows. he is nice to us.
i do care about him. i dont have the funds to move somewhere where i would feel comfortable if we broke up.
i dont have too many friends that would care. but i really hate this constant struggle inside me. i hate the way i feel when i wake up and see him like that. and weve talked, so i feel invalidated or like he doesnt care how i feel enough to make an effort.
yeah. crazy that i have asked you and asked you to NOT leave your hat on the table, or to clean the high chair off if you feed the baby so things dont get crusted on there and stink. to not leave glass beer bottles or your chewing tobacco out where the baby can reach it. to try to pick up after her a little if you are watching her. to just basically clean up after yourself. he thinks he does. he did the dishes the other day, some of them. he does a load of dishes, but not the pans or cups or silverware. then weeks later he is still saying he did them yesterday, and if he did it was only a couple cups. im constantly trying to keep the house clean. i tell him, that it is unattractive to me, for me to wake up, and see him on the computer slouched over, with messy, greasy hair, and a mess surrounding him around the house, nearly every day. he dont even turn around to say good morning to me, and when he tries to kiss me its always scruffy face and bad breath. my heart just sinks. and he wonders why i never want to have sex with him. he is never up and active. and if he is it was usually my idea. its computer games, work, or tv. and if i bug him about the computer, then he rolls his eyes and acts like i just asked him to jump off a bridge. I dont know what to do. something needs to change.
he likes to talk about things he wants to do, but lacks the discipline to do ANY of them. he is bad with finances, and while he does help me out, i want him to help HIMSELF out. at least he applied for a new job. we work at the same place, but i think he needs a job that he doesnt have to work for tips on so he can see what money he has. he always thinks he is broke when he makes way more money than he thinks. and i have more bills than he does and make less, and manage to make it. barely sometimes. but i do. and sometimes i do need help from him. but it usually costs him because he forgets he had a payment due for something. I dont know what to do. He is the only dad my daughter knows. he is nice to us.
i do care about him. i dont have the funds to move somewhere where i would feel comfortable if we broke up.
i dont have too many friends that would care. but i really hate this constant struggle inside me. i hate the way i feel when i wake up and see him like that. and weve talked, so i feel invalidated or like he doesnt care how i feel enough to make an effort.
I sympothize with your situation, because of your daughter. You are a great mom first of all. To even be putting up with this, so she can have stability and a father figure in her life, is a sacrifice.
On the other hand, you need to be happy as well. Even if you stay there until you figure this out, you need to find some peace in the mist of this.
I have this guy that is really kind, and nice to me, AND I DON'T LIKE HIM. And it has absoulely nothing to do with my past mistake...I DON'T LIKE HIM. We have been knowing each other since June, and only talked on the phone maybe 5xs.
We can be in the middle of texting each other and he will call, and I won't answer, because his voice creeps me out. I just want to keep it on a text every now and again basis. I told him, but he don't get it.
I hope you find something outside of your situation that brings you peace until you are ready to just leave. However, trust me, I understand.
Now I do stand to be corrected if I'm wrong...LOL
The actions should be important to you only, as is you the one who is living with him.
You usually talk about your daughte and is nice to think that he would be the male figure for your little one. You need to ask yourself if this enough? you tried already to work out things, but it seems not to be working.
our happiness should be important despite of your love for your daughter. I have never been in this situation myself, but if I had children I would prefer to have happy children with happy parents.
As a daughter, my parents used to fight constantly and I just think that it would have been off with happy divorce parents. They stayed married because of me and I really hate this situation.
Analyse your situation and if this is something that you can botth cannot work out, then think what is best!
its hard to make a decision, when i really dont understand or know what a functional relationship is. maybe this is it. then again maybe if it ends i will fall back into my old ways. and i just dont have the support to get me through it. no one i could talk to. he is pretty much my best friend, or the only one that cares to listen to me when i am down.
I just feel your burden even over the computer. I hope and pray you fins a solution that includes you being happy as well.
Again, I respect you so much for sacrificing for your daughter. It is important that little girls have a healthy image of a father. I went through hell with my daughter who father wasn't around
Good Luck and We are here for u!
It seems that you may need to take the initiative for this relationship, but I think that is him the one who has to take further step with his life. I know the current job market and how tough this can be, but if he is willing to try something new, then he could do his best to contribute to the relationship too by getting a serious job!
I wish you do not have to wait for things to get worst. Making decision is not hard if you pray, do your research about your current problem situation and think clearly with your head what is best. Write down and think clearly what do you want from this relationship. I would ask him to think what does he wants too. Mixed both of those things and measure it. Commitment, intimacy and passion should have the same shape for a perfect relationship to work. This apparently changes according to the situation and we are human and imperfect...anyway I think that Reading about healthy relationships could help both of you too.
My mother always says it is not the boulder in the way, but the peeble in your shoe that drives you INSANE.
It is not the one big thing that he does but it is one small annoying thing after another until you are done. It is hard to leave when they are not being deliberately cruel or cheating or whatever. But I don't think this relationship is very satisfying for you. You will work it out.
Dracona, what is it that you need in a relationship? Tony Robbins teaches about the basic needs and we all have two major ones.
And, in a relationship, we need to have personalities that compliment each other . . and the same values . . and stimulating conversation . . and both parties need to contribute.
Well, when you're with a sex addict like I was . . .there was such a horrible, toxic cycle of rejection. He 'needed' sex to temporarily numb that N pain . . but there was no emotional relationship and I hated sex and I would reject him . . then I would feel bad for rejecting him. Round and round and round it went. Being emotionally absent, the contribution was one sided - I contributed til I was walking dead in my skin. Same values? He only pretended to have the same values - obviously by his behavior when I kicked him out. I had realized he was doing the chameleon thing trying to be who he thought I wanted him to be in desperation to not lose me. Goals? That was choking me! All he talked about was retiring and doing nothing but getting a small house out in the middle of nowhere and doing nothing! My whole married life was me adapting to him and giving up my very self . . and hell, he didn't even know who he was but that insane self-preserving nature insidiously always operating . . . . passively controlling with tyranny until the whole family revolved around him!
QUOTE:
Real love is accepting other people they way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means that we don't really like them. It is easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be instead of trying to change that person. From âThe 4 Agreements
Are you feeling guilty that these seemingly "minor" things are bothering you? Well don't be. Sometimes it's hard for those of us who have given up our boundaries in pathological relationships have a hard time know how, when, and what to stand up for ourselves for. My ex n husband was a true slob with no regard for my repeated nagging and reminding him to pick up, clean up, don't leave that there, DO SOMETHING!!!! Years of this wore on my nerves and stress level like you wouldn't believe!! He would do nasty unecessary things like chew a big wad of gum, spit it into a glass half full of soda, and then put the whole mess in the kitchen sink to be washed. I can't count the times I heard my daughter scream "OH MY GOD, MOOOOM - ICAN'T DO THIS!! - when it was her turn to do the dishes. His attitude was "so what--just deal with it-what's the big deal?" It starts to feel like more of an issue of sheer, unmitigated disrespect after a while and that can wear anyone down. To thine ownself be true! Take care.
safe from the anger. even if i had a place to go, i couldnt break up with him now. im not ready. im too scared. and the funny thing is, i KNEW it would come to this someday, when i started this relationship. and i started it to give him a chance, because throughout my pregnancy. when family was suposed to be there, when friends were suposed to be there, when i was sick and alone, HE came when i called. he listened to me cry about my spilled milkshake. he came to take me out of the house to movies and dinner and watched while when i could finally eat after 7 months, i sat in a buffet for 4 hours and ate 2 full plates of spinach. He was my only friend, when others should have been there, he filled in the holes.
but am i unhappy with the relationship? yes. but part of the big problem is, aside from my fear of going "out there" again, is i dont know if its mostly me. maybe im just too damaged to feel normally about anyone. i havent felt anything, for ANYONE passionwise really in a long time. except this one guy at work that for some reason i was totally attracted to, but after watching him, he gambles alot, lives with his mom, and has problems with his ex and his two daughters. real nice guy, but i would never be in the position to be like, oh, he'll get it together. been there, done that, and well, downhill is easier than uphill. and once down, its hard to get back up again. and i realize, that that is the type of person i would most likely end up with. because the idea of what could happen, is still more attractive to me than what is.
we get together, im the one for him, he picks up his life, and we have a great time, all fantasy. same old song and dance. so really, after reading all this, and thinkings there isnt much i can do at this point and time. ha ha... i used to think i was the kind of person to take off and do anything, spontaneos backpacking through europe, the kind of person who would find a way to enjoy life wherever she went,
now i find, that i am tied down and commited to my relationships, and i prefer security and ease more than i do the great unknown.
I wonder if you can nurture this relationship and make it something . . . do you have fun and play with this man ever? It does sound like he's a bit depressed and if he would get some sort of breakthrough it might make a world of difference in him.
But, if he isn't making you feel significant, cherished, valued, and you aren't making him feel significant, cherished, valued . . . then you're existing. I understand that security and safety are so very, very important especially when you have a child.
But, the both of you (you and him) are going to really have to find fulfillment in your lives . . you have to find a spark . . can you do that? Or, can you settle and still find fulfillment, with a brother / sister relationship?
I dont know if there is a spark. there never was. its been nearly 4 years since i had a spark.
even with my ex i didnt start with a spark, i grew into a spark. pushed myself to care for him, (because i thought he was a nice guy) i laid all my problems on the table and thought he accepted me. so i forced my feelings down. since in the book it says nice guys are boring, and you will feel bored and not as attracted to them. ugh. i think that part of the book may have gotten me in trouble. spend my days looking for a nice guy, then spend my time convincing myself he is good for me and that i should stay because he cares.
SOMETHING needs to change. i just dont know what. we cant even get a day off together.
i rarely walk up and hug him, he is clumsy with me, never knows how hard he is grabbing me, or that when he leans his weight on me its uncomfortable, that if im pulling away from a hug let me go cause its hurting my back.... dont push it.
i dont know. but when i think about ending it, i feel this immense sadness, like im about to just fall into a void of stagnation, of depression, and life will pass me by before i notice. WHY? why cant i just make up my mind? why cant i do the things i know will make me happy and feel full? not just with him, just with anything? even starting school. working out regular, even simple things. something always stops me.
stops me with a wall of depression that stands before me, and the harder i push to get through it, the harder it gets. i remember, when i was in the army, you had to run 2 miles in a specified time to pass the test. it was all i had to do to go to my duty station, to go on to a career, free school.
i was in shape, there was no reason i did not pass that test. my chest would tighten with nerves,
my legs would feel like lead adn would not move no matter how hard i tried, i could not breathe.
i just wanted to curl up in a hole and cry, but i most times, i would continue to try, and fail.
sometimes i did give up, until i got out of the army, and left my career and dreams behind me. i wasted nearly two years of my life, to just give up. part of it was an ex i had, but it was ME. i felt so weak. beaten.
i stayed up all night before the tests. forcing myself into positive thoughts. i even sat there and wrote that i could do it, that i would do it, and still i would fail. and the harder i tried to think positive and work towards the goal, the more it hurt in the end when i failed. i would start without a doubt in my mind that i would make it, and didnt. again. and again. something stopped me. i dont know what. ive been to counseling. ive tried hyptnosis, and cannot find what this block is, what it means, why it is there. i left high school too.
and it is this same block, that keeps me from being happy and making decisions now. and its getting worse, im not as strong as i was, i dont have the vitality i had then to keep trying. i feel its been beaten out of me. so now what do i do?