Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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I Saw Him...

Silvermane1516
Silvermane1516
After nine months NC with my EX-N, I was "forced" to see him again on Friday, 8/24/12, at a reunion commemorating those of us who grew up in the same neighborhood. Those of you who are familiar with my story may remember that I touched on this in a post about a month ago. At that time, I was feeling extremely apprehensive about having to see him again, since we both serve on the same committee. (I left the committee a while back and blocked my EX-N on Facebook, as well as from my personal email.)

When I walked into the venue, some of my friends (who don't know him) informed me that "a man" had been inquiring about my whereabouts. Then, I SAW HIM. I walked over to the opposite side of the room, because I wanted to avoid him. No sooner than I got there, I felt a tap on my right shoulder. I turned around, and it's HIM. He managed a nervous smile, and said, "Hi." I stared at him, incredulously, gave him the ol' "once-over", and simply nodded in his direction. I never said a word. Then, I walked away. He made an attempt at conversing with a few of our mutual friends, which I found quite embarrassing; he made absolutely no sense.

It wasn't until I arrived home from the affair that I was able to take in, at length, the evening's events. I found myself thinking about how pitiful he looked; he had lost a great deal of weight, his posture was stooped and his face had taken on a gaunt appearance. I realized that I felt sorry for him. I ACTUALLY FELT SORRY FOR HIM! In that moment, however, I realized that feeling sorry for him is, most likely, what got me into "trouble" in the first place. I shared these feelings with my daughter, who said, "Humph! Don't feel sorry for him! He didn't feel sorry for you, when he was treating you like shit!" When I went to bed that evening, I told myself that there's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for him. But, I can never allow myself to forget how shabbily he treated me.

Your feedback is appreciated.
deleted_user
deleted_user
our strengths are also our weaknesses... I think the fact that we are caring and feel sorry for people (certain men inparticular) are strengths and we are great people for caring soo much... but on the flip side feeling sorry for them can get us into trouble if we allow ourselves to be with them because they are so pitiful... your daughter is correct he did not feel sorry for you... but i understand your concern for him my brain and heart can not help to feel sorry and want to make things better... but I know it doesn't work... so i will feel sorry from a distance... love him from a distance... and just be happy with the fact that I know what it feels like to be deeply in love and have compassion for a man... but I also know how it feels when that love and compassion gets thrown in my face and it feels like a kick in the gut when there is no love or compassion reciprocated. only took my kindness for granted I can feel bad just because that is what I do ... but in reality feeling bad and letting him/them into our life doesn't take their saddness or pitifulness away they just have a way to drag us down to their sad pitiful level and then kick us when we are down... with no remorse for their part in making the relationship disolve into a piece of shit.... you are awesome for still feeling bad for him... but yes don't forget how bad he treated you.... feeling sorry doesnt mean we have to fix them. it just means we care for their well being... I feel sorry for a lot of people but they have choices to get better... and i really don't think they think their is anything wrong with them and are perfectly content the way they are (or why wouldn't they get help) so feeling sorry may be in vain.... (producing no result)

sounds like you were strong and held your own gooood job...
deleted_user
deleted_user
First, way to go that You were able to go to the event and maintain your dignity and strength. Secondly, not forgetting what he did is a way to remember but do remember what it was that led you to the relationship the first time so you can avoid that in the future. I have to remember the "neediness" tha is a huge warning signal for me. If my self esteem is not in tact, I have to avoid dating because I don't trust that I won't fall for someone unhealthy to me. Big hugs to you for making it through.
deleted_user
deleted_user
well said timetoheal... high five!!
Silvermane1516
Silvermane1516
Thank you, ladies, for your positive feedback. I am learning so much about myself in relation to why I constantly "pick" the same types of men. I have become painfully aware that my EX-N reminded me so much of my father, who was extremely needy. As a child, I felt the need to take care of my father; it took me years to figure out that it wasn't my job to take care of him. It was my father's job to take care of me - which he absolutely did not. Instead, he used my good nature and kind heart in a way that no father should treat his daughter.

While I would love to be in a healthy relationship, I, like timetoheal67, need to "avoid dating" for a while. In the meantime, I trust to continue to be as loving to myself as I possibly can. When all is said and done, I have no control over anyone's behavior but my own.

Again, thank you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
well said silver.... i don't have any intentions of dating either .... i need to find things i enjoy stop thinking about doing them and get out there and do them... the gym, dance, art classes etc... sorry your dad wasn't nice to you.... i know how you feel : ( : ) xxxxxxx
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank God it's over and you got through it!
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