you cannot stop feeling the way you do. it is valid. you need to validate yourself and learn how to have self compassion.....really how devastating to go from feeling safe and like your reltationship might be salvaged to hearing devastating news like that.

i'm not quite sure where your reaction is except from the physiological responses. sunny, due to these physiological responses you can know for sure that it was pure raw genuine emotion. and you are wanting to snuff that out.

it's okay. your reaction is more than appropriate and expected. YOU have not done anything wrong. that kind of information would throw anyone even the most secure for a loop!!!

really i think you need to take a deep breath and begin to turn around your self doubts.....you have every right to feel the way you do. start there. begin to validate yourself. NO F'ING GO WONDER YOU HAD THAT REACTION!!!!! a 9 year affair is no joke and to be so cavalier and blame you for MAKING him tell you....sunny that is an outrage!!!!

my advice to you is to do 4 things.
(1) go look for the DBT distresss tolerance skills thread and get busy.
(2) SELF COMPASSION. what nice soothing healthy thing can you go do for yourself today?? please let us know if you are willing to commit to that??
(3) VALIDATE YOURSELF..sunny how do you expect yourself to respond to that?? cause really??? validate what is true for you.....of course you're jealous and insecure....assclown!
(4) we're in the business of accepting reality now. so radical acceptance may seem impossible right now but really what other choice do you have?? the physiological response is probably still going on b/c you try to deny your emotions and the reality that he did this. you can deny it, push it away or you can take a deep breath and CHEERLEAD yourself through this. "yes he did this. i will be fine. i can get through this. i can make choices. i can handle my feelings about what he did. i am strong. this won't last forever. i'll be okay no matter what b/c i will do what is best for me and my daughter. i feel insanely insecure and jealous and that's my truth but it won't last forever so while it's here i will allow that to be there knowing i can do this!!!!!"

oxoxo love to you sunny!!! really be kind to yourself. this is horrific news. i would be a disaster for a minute too. then i would do some distress tolerance, be kind toward myself and validate my emotions. i would figure out how to change the dialog running in my crazy brain into a cheerleading moment!!!

oh sunny, i'm not seeing how you reacted badly at all?????

Im not sure, maybe I would have liked myself to be the person who was calm and practical about this, but I cant get to the " yeh its all in the past' place right now.

Assclown says we have no need to discuss the past, he told me he had a history and lets not discuss it.
Well who is going to stick with that?! That raised my alarm bells and made me wonder why he didnt want to talk about it, what did he have to hide then?!
But I cant get to the place where I go , yeh so what?! that was a different time, with a different wife, etc.

I feel the past reflects where you have been, your values, your reality....thats why I asked him about his past when we met, we all have a story. I thought I knew his.

I think hes made me feel guilty again.
So Im back on the roller coaster....and I was liking the steady road we were on.

Well thats the way it works I guess. Reeling me back in again. I was in such a comfort zone this floored me.

Thanks Finn. ( hope your pup is ok now)
xxx

I've dealt with this before and I I know I felt and reacted the way you did because deep down we know, once a cheater, always a cheater. If he cheated on his wife, he'll eventually cheat on you and he can't be trusted. They will give ALL kinds of excuses why they cheated on their ex-wife. It was a marriage of convenience, we stayed together because of the kids, etc., etc., but really they cheated because they wanted to. So its a trust issue which I think is at the core of every relationship. At least that's the way I felt...

yeh the trust issue.....its always lurking for me with him.

Didnt trust my gut instinct but then he didnt tell me about all the affairs until we were arranging our wedding.
He is very cagey about talking about his past....which makes me very uncomfortable. ....where as Im a very transparent person.

xxx

I have a very bad past because of my co-dependency and have to actively stay out of tempting situations if i commit to somebody who always turns out to be an assclown anyway and I would just cheat with other assclowns. I don't think its right, but I made a pact to myself to never cheat again and the last three assclowns cheated on me. I hate to say it, but giving anybody the benefit of the doubt anymore is not on my agenda.

You did nothing wrong.

feeling a bit calmer today.

Resigned to the fact I will never like the way he has lived his life.

Someone said to me that its not a good idea to rake over the past as you usually never find much to make you feel good. SO true.

Still scared if I let myself be. Trying to remember we have choices in how we choose to feel.

Im trying to sort myself out financially, have paid off my credit card so now I can start to put some funds aside.
Degree studying starts this week too which will give me a focus.

I feel like he will cheat on me like he did them....he tries to reassure me he won't.

Do cheaters change? Can they? WIll he?!
x

Hi Sunny, isn't timely that you have only just found out that he cheated big time on wife #3 for 9 YEARS several times a week, that poor woman ! I hope she is now recovering from being married to such a nasty piece of work. Doesn't it sort of confirm what your instincts have been yelling at you recently, that this man isn't right for you, doesn't treat you or love you the way you most certainly deserve ! In my opinion cheaters cannot and do not change.... especially one as hard-core deceitful as your H. It is ingrained in their Narc personalities..... listen to the words he uses, watch his actions, read his face ( and his mail and phone lol ).... you are the expert detective without even having to try, With Narcs. if its feeling emotionally unsafe, if his behaviour changes suddenly but subtly, if his words are not congruent with his actions, if you start questioning your own peace of mind/sanity, then he is definitely manipulating you , probably gaslighting out the gazoo and who knows what else! Sunny you are an intelligent woman, but with these N's that doesn't count for anything as we all know.... they take previously high functioning, loving, strong women and turn them into wrecks.... that is their sport ! I hope you are finding your way through the storm, sounds like you are, sorting out your finances, studying to better yourself and seeing your friends when you like. Someone wrote about Narcs... 'We were once their Light, but now become their Darkness' in other words that which attracted them to us, our Light, is the very thing they set out to destroy, death by a thousand cuts,bit by tiny bit, until we have absorbed as much of their Darkness as we could, mirror their misery, depression, cynicism,anger, lack of joy & become the very parts of them they despise.... and then they will Devalue and Discard us ! It isn't fair, it isn't human..... they don't call these men Dark Souls for nothing !

Gawd yes I know 2B. Im so sad, this hit me in the face like a cold hard slap.

Why did I feel better when I thought he had been just randomly meeting and having sex with women from dating sites while he was married?! Thats what I thought...and I kind of got that sorted in my head. He told me his wife stopped having sex with him after the birth of their child, he tried and she used to shrug him off....he justifies his affairs by being angry with his ex ( W2 and W3 he did the same story on) saying she let him down by turning her back on him every night.

Im a bit mixed up right now. I know every time I think of it I feel sick.
He stayed in the marrige with W3 as he had his needs met by this office manager ( who was also married) makes me sick to think how decitful they were. He says he didnt cheat as he never lied about it. He told W3 he was going over to see her ( she was his manager and worked from home, his wife3 didnt like the office staff coming into the house every day ) so thats how they played it....but he says he never lied about it as she W3 never asked him about it.

Hes all over me today, sweetness itself.
I feel horribly scared and insecure today but Im smiling and being strong.
It is what it is.

What signs do I look for if hes cheating again, bearing in mind hes now 55 is it likely?!
He swears not.
BUT ya know, I bet he said that to W1/W2/W3.....as he says to W4!!!
xx

Sunny, sending you positive thoughts and ((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))). I know I am SO lonely after NH 1 & 2, and really sad this weekend having beep duped & dumped after only 2 ( wonderful, magical) dates with a man who I wouldn't usually look at , and his heart-melting 'Love Yous' ' You are my GF' ' we can have such a great life together' etc... !!! I cried most of yesterday , and today I feel numb... I promised myself I would never fall for such lies ever, ever again, but this latest date sucked me in like a child taking candy-floss from a charming child-catcher !!! I used to be an ass kicking, super executive, independent , sassy women, but these Path Ns have fair done me some damage..... slowly, slowly I am getting back to that woman, its taking years mind you.... I wont fall for that sh*t ever again, even though I did last week having only just gone back online dating, I am still very fragile despite all my healing so far! You must trust your instincts and don't be fooled by your H's sweetness and fakery, he knows he is in deep do-do having told you what a bast*ard he was to W3, and why didn't he tell you all that before you were married? Because then you wouldn't have married him !!! Be careful Sunny, don't feel insecure, feel strong and empowered by this latest revelation. You have the upper hand. Men cheat at 15, 35, 55, 65 .... if that's in their messed up personality they wont change. My ex NH1 cheats on the whore he left me for, he used to call me and tell me about how he was working late , drinking and about to go back to the hotel with a younger colleague... I laughed at how pathetic he was, and it serves his wife Karmically proper, she took him away from a wife (me) who loved the very bones of him , and now the table is well and truly turned on her . I wonder what advice the other ladies here will give you? Get out? Run for the hills? Stay and dig in ? Fight for what ?!?..... good luck Sunny, I hope you find the truth and way forward before he does to you what he did to his other wives.

I just need the skills to survive until I have the power of being able to make a decision and have the choice to leave.

Im realistic on this and where we will end up...but need tools to survive.

Thanks for the hugs.
Im tired of the roller coaster...I need to learn how not to be on it anymore, how not to let my emotions rule me. Im sick of this ruining yet another day, but I know its up to me not to let it but its hard.

Hugs back to you 2B so sorry for the assclown but well done for being strong today. I know how you ache inside. hug hug hug!
x

that's a convenient little twist istn' it?? that he didn't cheat n/c he never lied about it?? that is almost laughable. i probably would have laughed in his face! you are dealing with someone with very distorted thinking! you cannot rationalize with an irrational person.

does he drink a lot sunny??

He likes wine sometimes but not regularly.
x

I just cannot understand his lack of morality about this, he is so cross with his exes for not being good wives to him....ie: giving him sex.

what brought this up again??? you may have said i can't recall....

i just wanted to be sure he did not bring this up to you to manipulate you sexually???

sunny, he clearly doesn't feel bad. that is some perhaps painful information for you to consider if you stay and if you leave. your eyes have been opened now. you have to deal with the reality that he did this and he does not feel badly for it or take responsibility for it. if he did it to them sunny he could do it to you. a harsh reality.

just think of it as food for thought. there's nothing you can do to make him take responsibility.

own your power sunny that's the best thing you can do. that's the best revenge is for you to live a sweet life with or without him. you really can get your life back!! you are allowing him to take your power for now but it doesn't always have to be that decision. it's so so hard, i know but if you let go of him and stay focused on your own life and your daughter's life without worrying about or attaching to the outcome of your marriage right now....you'll be free.....i know you can do it.....think of it this way, you are in the position to design the ideal life for yourself.....you get to create that!