Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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solo60 09/10/2011

I need to know if this is something others here have experienced. Is it something all guys do? A couple of times a year my xn would meet up with a buddy...his one and only friend...they would each travel 900 miles, meet up, stay in a hotel/motel, share the same room, the same bed and spend the weekend "just talking". Does that seem wierd to anybody besides me? That was an 1800 round trip, just to talk? Do all guys do that? I brushed it off a couple of times but I had this nagging gut suspicion that they probably were intimate with each other. Call me what you like...the thought of the man I was being intimate with making it with another man made me nautious. He always acted a little different when he came back from these trips. It bordered on guilty acting...ashamed. Or maybe I just imagined it. The other guy was married but not happily. I think they both felt "safe" with each other. Maybe it was the only time they could both be who they really are...I don't know. I just wondered if anybody else has seen this with their N.

deleted_user 09/10/2011

Hi Solo -- My xn didn't quite do that, but I know the feeling of my man having been with another man. My xn had an 'affair' with an openly gay man a few years ago. He swears up and down it never happened and that the woman who started that rumor was just miffed that he wouldn't sleep with her. But I know it happened ... at least this one time. And I know he was involved in threesomes and took photos of his ex-wife with another woman. And I know he was a swinger. I am sure he's done some other fringe stuff, but I don't even want to know about it.

I;ve read the partners of narcs are often pressured to do sexual stuff they're not comfortable with. I can name a few for me and my xn.

At a glance, I would say for you to trust your gut.

P

goingup 09/10/2011

To me that is weird. Two grown men sharing a bed in a hotel room? I would say they were intimate with each other, esp from the fact you had a gut feeling. I don't think its a bad thing for 2 guys to share a bed, but I just think men in our culture are conditioned to see sleeping together as not normal...

deleted_user 09/10/2011

Solo, yes that shit is weird to me. I would think the same thing. No my x never did that...share a hotel with a man (and bed). A group of me (maybe different,but trust me they will invite whores. But alone in a bed Hell NO! It's not just you, I would have a problem as well. Goingup is right "gut feeling". I don't know a culture that thinks its ok unless they are gay...sorry there it is!

Thank God he is you x now...let that Narc go!

solo60 09/10/2011

Oh I have let go...almost a year ago now...but I'm still trying to and sort things out in my head....I had never been in a relationship with a narc before. I was totally unprepared for the experience. He married someone else three months after I told him goodbye. I did ask him about sharing the room,,,sharing a bed ....with the guy. The only explanation I got was that it was cheaper. Also I do believe that the reason so many of these N's turn around and marry someone else so quickly is that they are paranoid about being alone and they're afraid to give a woman any time to really see who they are...They can only sustain that false personality for so long...by a year most women would start to see the true Narc coming through as their behavior changes.I think the woman he married was also pretty desperate from what I hear.

deleted_user 09/11/2011

Solo.................the thing that strikes me as odd is him doing the 1800 mile round trip (which sounds like commitment) to then sleep with the guy in the same bed. It really does sound a bit brokeback mountain. There's nothing wrong with two guys loving each other as long as they are not deceiving their wives / partners..........that's the wrong part of it all.
However, I HAVE slept in the same bed as a guy and NOT been intimate ......... It was the most uncomfortable wierd experience ever.

deleted_user 09/11/2011

I am thinking of itgurl's joke. How do you know when a narc is lying? Hahaha

" There's nothing wrong with two guys loving each other as long as they are not deceiving their wives / partners..........that's the wrong part of it all." <---------Yup!

That is a betrayal that's almost too much to bear, solo. I went through it and stayed with him anyway! omg ...

Take care honey.

Patty

solo60 09/11/2011

Ya, I got another piece of his puzzle when he wanted to watch Brokeback Mountain on the tube one night. He had seen it before (probably with his buddy...I didn't ask) He seemed to be watching for my reaction to the film. I was totally turned off and to this day, I can't get through that film.

solo60 09/11/2011

I remember telling him once early in our relationship "no woman wants to share the man she loves with another woman" but it never occured to me to mention that I didn't want to share him with another man.Want to hear another wonderful little tidbit? The other guy is a minister. Don't ya just love knowing that he probably gets up in that pulpit and delivers sermons on being faithful and honest and following the ten commandments? Oh, and Ravyn, thanks for the great aricles on NPD and the ministry.

solo60 09/11/2011

Well he just married a female but the first time I saw a picture of her I thought she was a guy. LOL How's that for killing two birds with one stone? What my gut tells me is that he wouldn't ever have the guts to come out of the closet if he is gay, but he can't manage a real relationship with a female either and it's really important to him to maintain a certain "image" in the community...one he probably can't picture himself having if he came out.
But he's basically a wimp either way. Lestory, how did you find out about the men? Did you suspect?

solo60 09/11/2011

Ya know, girls, I've spent tons of time thinking about every aspect of this creature that I was involved with for two years of my life. He messed me up pretty good...no doubt about that...but this is the first time since I've been on DS that I've given much time to considering his sexuality. Maybe I haven't factored that in enough. Bi-sexuality is something I know very little about but given his history, I definitely should be considering that...He seemed to enjoy our intimate times quite a lot but, hell, he was such a fantastic actor maybe that was an act too.Thank you all for offering your insight and talking about your own experiences. As always, you contribute so much to my education. By all means, continue to add anything you feel is valuable. Something happened today with these conversations that helped me put another nail in the coffin.

solo60 09/11/2011

I'm more of a rock and roll person but today, for the twentieth time, I watched a PBS replay of Les Miserables. There's a song on there that I believe was written for all of us. We could make it our theme song. It's called I Dreamed A Dream and you can find it on YouTube easily. I recommend the one where the lyrics are provided. If those lyrics don't define us, I don't know any song that would. Enjoy. You might need a Kleenex. I did.

snowy22315 09/11/2011

Umm yeah, that sounds weird. A lot f men in the N/S continium are fluid with their sexuality, and mine has always said he was aware of his "female side." Although I doubt seriously that he has shared a bed with another man, wouldn't be his cup of tea.

solo60 09/11/2011

I love the way you put that snowy..."fluid with their sexuality" great choice of words...lol

snowy22315 09/11/2011

another reason for him to be gone!

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