Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I put my sweet dog down yesterday. I feel like a monster. She was so lovely, but her body was failing. I'm so sad thinking that maybe I did it too soon. And now every where I look and every sound I hear, I think it's her. I'm so sad.
He came with me. She was our dog, so when he learned that I was going to take her this week he offered to come. He was very aloof. Helped with her and cried, but he was aloof. And when he dropped me off at home afterward, he quickly left. I'm sitting in a sea of grief. For her, for him, for my small life the as been built on a foundation of career because my marriage failed as did my attempts to become a mother. Last night I was so desperate. I just don't want to be here. I wouldn't do anything, I just don't want to be here. I know I'm not alone, because people have been texting me to offer condolences and check on me, but I FEEL alone. Except for the obsessive thoughts of her and him. I do the readings, the therapy, acknowledge my feelings. And I still don't feel like I'm getting any better. I don't even know what "better" means. I know I want a happy life, but have had no success finding it. I've always done everything I'm supposed to do. I followed the rules. But my life is empty. I feel like I have spent most of my life saying goodbye. I don't want to give up, but it feels like I was just born to struggle. I don't know how to not care. I don't know how to not think. I don't know how to just go out and do what I want irresponsibly. Yesterday I just wanted to run away, but I don't want to run away alone. I'm lonely all the time. The thought of running away alone made me feel even worse.
So I called in sick today. I've done this 3 times in 9 years. I just couldn't be with people today. I'm sitting on my couch, still in my pyjamas. Can't bring myself to put her things away. Had a bowl of dry cereal and a cup of tea. Staring numbly at the tv and listening to the nothingness in my house.
I hate my life. I hate that she is gone. I hate that he doesn't love me the way I love him (although he said he loved me, just like he always does, right before he drives away). I hate that at 49 years old, the most that people can say about me is, she has a really successful career. This feels like a waste of life. Why not give it to someone else. I have a friend who is 10 years younger battling breast and liver cancer. She lost her baby as she was diagnosed during her pregnancy. Why doesn't the universe get rid of someone like me and let that baby live? Why don't I get over the pity party and just figure out how to do this right?
It all feels pointless.
I too have always done what I am "supposed' to do, until last year when I left my marriage. I too feel like I was born to struggle while those around me thrive and seem to have things come to them effortlessly.
"I hate that he doesn't love me the way that I love him" Oh how I know that feeling! I feel the same way currently!
Pity party, check, been there, still do it occasionally though not as much as in the past.
Don't beat yourself up right now, be gentle with yourself. You are going through a lot and you need time and space to grieve and heal after saying goodbye to your beloved dog. Try and eat some nourishing food, take a nice bath, cry.
Sending healing light and love your way!
Have you thought of temporarily going on some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication? You sound really sad and hopeless.
I'm so sorry about your friend who has cancer.
It plain sucks about this guy. It sounds like this is tearing you up inside. ((((Another hug)))))
You are going through an intense grieving period right now and need interventive care to get you through this, like a grief counselor.
Lots of love,
Artgrrl
I truly, truly empathize with your loss. When my dog was put down it felt like a part of my bodywas severed off. Know that you did everything you could, and putting her down was the graceful, merciful thing to do. She lived a long, loved life with you! If all people and animals could be so lucky.
I know that life seems bleak. I have been in your seat, feeling very much alone. This is the time you need to "circle the wagons" and focus on radical - and I mean sheer force of will - self-love. Now is the time to distance yourself from him. No more. Now is the time to focus on getting rest, getting enough sleep, exercise, and finding a support system. Have you thought of establishing a relationship with a therapist? It has helped me immensely over the years, as has antidepressants and Susan Anderson's book: From Abandonment to Healing.
Please know that you are in my thoughts, and you are *never* alone. You are a caring, compassionate, smart woman with much to offer the world. Don't give up. Remember: RADICAL self love for the time being...