Dracona,

How old is the baby? Let me tell you what I think, because I always do. You were left pregnant. In a horrible situation by a horrible, selfish man. That is every woman's worst nightmare. Few things would be as alarming as what happened to you. You didn't really have any recovery time so to speak.

Current BF stepped up to the plate in a big way. He accepted you pregnant and took over the role of dad.

Now you really did not time to get your self together before establishing a new relationship and having a brand new baby. That was a HUGE amount of change.

Why ask why? As if there was no reason. No residual from what happened to you, from adjusting to being a mother. Plenty of women are depressed after having a baby when everthing in their life is stable and yours was in shambles.

Instead of asking why you are depressed ask yourself: What am I resisting? What am I not seeing? Is this person really capable of making me happy or do I simply feel compelled to be with him because he has been good to me and my daughter?

Is this a healthy relationship or a codependant relationship, i.e. , I have to be with you because you have been nice to me, not because you are who I really want.

Just a thought. I am not trying to act like I know what is going on in your head or your heart at all!! Just putting out suggestions!

Is it anything to do with wanting the excitement of an unavailable man, when a nice guy that we don't have to try to make love us comes along they are boring and we aren't interested. Is it that we don't feel deep down that we deserve someone who will love us and make us happy, do we always want to go for the man that will cause us the most pain and grief in our lives. Do we want the roller coaster ride of a disfunctional relationship for the excitement and a normal, healthy, loving relationship is just not interesting to us? Just a possibility, I know I've been bored out of my mind with nice guys in the past and they just annoy the crap out of me.

thanks susy, ive asked myself that question alot, but when it comes down to it, i prefer my stability in the relationship im in now, to anything else in the world. but i wonder about the long run, sometimes i feel like im settling, but really, there aint much better i could ever ask for, then i feel guilty for even questioning what i have. i think part of it is because, i said the same thing about my ex, i told myself what more could i ask for? so he is a little immature, but he cares, and i care, and i went with it, and look how i ended up. i think that fear is imbedded in me. totally different situation. and Austin would not leave me like that. but the what ifs keep rollin around in m brain. i dont feel like i owe austin for being with me, i just cant put my finger on whats wrong with it, or me. there is some level me and him are not connecting on, and i dont know why, if its me or him, or if we have just gone as far as we can go. and i think when i got with him i was stable, and i knew that when i finally said yes, there would be no turning back. while i was pregnant, and went through all that, i underwent a big change. i REFUSED to be with austin, i wasnt even interested. he was my friend, ironically enough, the only one i ever called when i needed anything, to talk, anything at all. cause i knew he would answer. after i had the baby, i gave it a chance. said it deserved a chance, even if i wasnt totally ready, because i might not get the chance again. im tired of feeling so crappy, of days just passing me by, of feeling like i dont like him when i do. we have been together a year, and well, it feels so little time, like a week.
Helen.... i had come to a point in my life where i thought i was stable, where i thought i could avoid this problem, but i think the dysfunctionalness is so deeply embedded in me, that i will never be rid of it. that i will never be happy, that i am doomed spending the rest of my life fighting it. and its very tiring. in my head, in my own thoughts, i want nothing more than to be a soccer mom, who cooks dinner, has her job, has my own house, playing board games with the kids and riding my horses. but can i actually do it? or will i be 50-60 years old, and realize all my oppurtunities have passed before i figure it out?
i feel that i have already wasted so much of my life. so many dreams gone. ive never finished any project. from not graduating high school, to the army. i could have been a videographer, doing documentaries for national geographic. i know we shouldnt focus on the past, but i need to do something, now.

on the upside, we are moving into a HUGE house, just us so far, and it is a milestone for me,
because ive always taken the CHEAPEST place i could find. here i will have so much room,
i hope it will make me happy and my days brighter.

well thanks all for listening

Dragona,

It sounds like it would do you a lot of good to work with a therapist or a coach and start addressing some long and short term goals. Someone that you can be accountable to your actions with. A local therapist is probably best, but if not, I know a FANTASTIC coach in FL that could coach you over the phone about clarifiying what you want in life and taking the steps to get there. She specialising in helping single mom so she may be perfect for you.

But even if that is too much and you want to do it for your self, I am sure you can find an expensive book at Borders that will allow you to get clear.

It sounds like your inability to infinish projects in the past affected your self and colored what you think of your self (I don't finish). Now is a great time to start with little project and let your self know: I am the kind of person that completes things.

A couple of questions come to my mind: does he have boundaries? if he doesn't, you may end up disrespecting him the same way we've been disrespected
Secondly, it sounds like you may need to look at your relationship with yourself. You are hoping he and your new home will make you happy. I have found that it has had to come from within me. Reaching for your dreams and doing things you love are great starts.
I also agree your new status as a mother could play a huge part in your feelings of depression.
Take good care of yourself!
Perhaps you can explain to Austin what you're going through so that it doesn't become about him - especially if you aren't sure if it's about him..
Just some thoughts to consider!

Hmmm. Such an interesting thread.

I was listening to this Dr. Phill thing last night. It's about weight management, but a section of it discusses self talk. Of course, it recognizes that self-talk is not necessarily the only possible problem or solution, but it can make a huge difference. And even that alone, can be responsible for creating a bunch of damage.

So, I was writing down and thinking through some of my self-talk that I need to change. What I was saying to myself about weight management sounds surprisingly similar to what I now read from you.

" but i think the dysfunctionalness is so deeply embedded in me, that i will never be rid of it. that i will never be happy, that i am doomed spending the rest of my life fighting it. and its very tiring. "

Seriously, those same words have been in my head - only referring to a constant battle of diet roller coasters and overly basing self-worth on body weight.
So, here's what Dr. Phill said to do - I think it sounds very helpful, maybe you will too.

1st - Identify your self talk (can't fix what we don't know about, right - so basically he said to pay close attention to your internal conversations)
2nd- Ask yourself if what you're telling yourself is actually true. Is it a fact? Is there real evidence to support it? Is there evidence to support otherwise?
For me - the thought that I'm doomed - well, there is not much to support that. People, including myself, change in permanent ways constantly. There is no reason I am incapable of changing and permanently adapting new behaviors in this area of my life. None at all. All I have evidence of is some challenges I have to work through. But, they are not the most challenging things I've ever worked through in my life. So, really, these statements are false. No proof of them being true.

Then, he has several other questions all revolving around the basic question of if there is any real good coming from it.
Oh, and identifying how it does benefit you - in the short term or excuse making type of way or something like that.
Then, replacing it with reality-based positive thoughts. Not something silly and overly positive - unbelievable, but something that is realistic about good and bad things, yet takes a positive outlook on the truth.

I don't know if that helps at all. I don't know if it really helps me at all yet either. The things you're saying and wrestling with - the negative messages - sound kinda harsh, though. I would have a hard time believing that they don't have at least some influence on this situation.
My two cents :)

I agree with Susy that you didn't have enough time alone to really heal and decide what you wanted before getting into a new relationship. Trust me I can understand when you are pregnant and alone it is scary. I have gone through the same thing. I have not allowed myself that time either. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you can't do that. I am reading a book about finding yourself and I will post it on here later because I left it at work and forget the whole name of it.

I would also like to say that I dated a guy who I thought was the best and had all the qualities that I was looking for and I should have been over the top about him but he just ANNOYED me for no really apparent reason. I fought with the idea of I was bored because he wasn't DANGEROUS or EXCITING but when i looked deeper I found that he just wasn't suitable for me. It was just a gut feeling. Sometimes what we are feeling is trying to steer us towards something. When it doesn't feel right there is something to it I usually find and you have to have to discover what that something is.

I think its important to focus on yourself do some self-journeying. If you work on really being strong within yourself you may find that your relationship will fall into place. Just my thoughts:) Sorry you are struggling.

Thanks everyone, you are all so great.

its just such a difficult road we are on, i mean, we have to learn not to trust ourselves when it comes to emotions or men, but now im trying to put my emotions back into the picture.

ive been to therapy, or tried, im not against it at all, Ive just never foundd someone i really can talk to for to long, i end up spending my money to sit in an office, trying to think about what to talk about. and i dont have the medical insurance, or the money in pocket to pay directly. my problem is, i KNOW exactly what i need to do, i know how to do it, i know about journaling, I have all the tools i need at my fingertips. instead i find myself seeing myself doing them, tons of visualization, i know how good it would feel to do these things, even something as simple as getting on the computer and getting my financial aid form done, i dont. i set days, say im going to, and well, time just goes by, even after the alarms go off, and i find i didnt do it, and wonder where the time went.
I just cant seem to get ahold of myself. and ive been on anti depressants before, and again, the medical, money issue, and sometimes you have to try repeatedly different combinations, and well, sometimes it can leave you worse off before you find the right one. actually i started lightly smoking pot, im sure lots of people wont condone that, but its not habitual, or consistent, or overdone, just when i need to calm down.
and it helps with my joint pain, i got tired of taking tylenol and vicodin as they were losing their effects, and i dont like taking pills if i dont have to.
im just hoping i come around, and im hoping that this new place HELPS, because i will have room, room for my hobbies, like drawing, and its on a private road kinda, hardly traffic, so taking my daughter for a walk isnt a hassle of getting her in a carseat, putting the stroller up, driving to a location, getting out, walking, then getting back in, and well you know. a walk can be calming, just out the door, and down the street. i can have a workout room, lots of things that i dont do, or am unable to do now.

i dont know what to do about how i feel, ive been here before, and my biggest desire is stability and happiness, however even though i have the tools, and i know what makes me happy, i dont have the ability to follow through, which causes me to be angry with myself, because i cant come to a why.
i know why im co dependant, and honestly i know why somewhat of whats goin on now.. imbedded in me from childhood, ya ya ya, same song and dance, but how do i overcome it now? i have to overcome it, im starting to doubt my mothering abilities. i love my daughter, but im afriad, what if it gets worse.