Yep. Any time I have gone out with a "nice guy" I get bored. I feel like I am with my brother. I crave the excitement I guess. Dysfunction is exciting. Why did I think it was Ok that I was getting drunk calls and text in the middle of the night a few times a week? I can say I respected myself enough to tell him I would not accept his middle of the night communication because it not true communication and he would not remember it anyway. It was rare that I picked up the phone when he did that. Why did I think it was OK that almost everything we did surrounded or including drinking to excess? Why did I not run when I was at his home and saw a "day in the life of him". Drink until obliterated the night before. Slepp until 2 the next day and do it all over again???

As I said earlier I did completely block him on FB and it has been wonderful that I can't snoop anymore! However - he must have figured it out because my phone rang at 4:30 am Sunday morning. My daughter and I were at the beach for a change of scenery - which helped me SOOOOOO much - and I did not answer. I was actualyl sleeping like a baby and it was great!! I was actually irritated that it happened, Thankfully no VM and no other calls.

We talked about this some time ago and he is used to the women who accept crumbs, They will stay his FB friend or shoot him the occasional text so they can stay in his line of sight. For me to block him and not answer his calls has him floored and it has me feeling good that I am taking care of myself - at least for today!

Reading your posts makes me sad. My hubby does not respond to me very often and when he does it is only business like. I craved his attention for so many years that it drove me crazy. I was his wife and had his children and yet felt completely alone for so many years. There was never any validation. He passed over many of my accomplishments and never gave much notice to me as a person. I tried so hard to make him love me.

But what I am finding is that I was searching for love so much in him because I did not really love myself. I was scared to be alone. I was scared to look inside. I was that terrified small child of 6 who just wanted to be loved by her parents. I was that heartbroken teenager who gave her heart to a boy who did not respond. I had become the young adult who told herself that no one would ever hurt her again. So I chose someone who was just like me...emotionally unavailable. I have just recently realized that I have to do the work to validate myself. I have to be the love of my life.

Gosh that is so meaningful, Shani. That is my new mantra - I have to be the love of my Life.

Gawd Shani, My H doesn't really notice me either - unless I have my boobs hanging out and a short skirt on, then he's like a horny mongrel!

Although i expect him to ve like a friend to me, but being a man are they any good at that? I don't know.
I would like him to remember things I have told him I am doing - such as going to the Doctors or meeting the bank manager. My H isn't the only man who doesn't remember these things I know! Are all men just so hyper-focussed on themselves?! Thats why we need GFs maybe?! I expect my H to be my best friend and to me that means remembering and caring enough to remember to ask me. I have had 4 husbands and they have all been the same. Yup I know I go for a seriously ill 'type' but hey!

So here we are, holding each others hands and cheering each other on!
I'm hearing you girls!!!
xxx

Shani - I may paste that on my forehead "I have to be the love of my life". How about "I want to be the love of my life"? I lay in bed last night wondering if my phone would ring again. What would I do if it did? Noe answer that's what. Ugh. I know so sad. I turned the ringer off and put it in another room so I would not pick it up and look in the night. As my text vibrates through the day I jump just hoping..... I don't why I seek his validation. I don't know why any of us seek validation from these men who are not worthy of our brain time. Why do I need validation from a man who probably doesn't think twice about me as his days roll on.

As you start to heal and you look to yourself for validation, you will begin to notice that you no longer need HIS validation. You never did. Keep yourself company. If you stay NC, Thoughts of him will dissipate and become less and less painful.

Thank you. I honestly feel a little better each morning. What truly triggers me right now are my friends who insist on bragging about their happy relationships. If I stay busy and concentrate on keeping my life low-stress I feel good. Which leads me into another trigger. When I am depressed and just want to lie in bed I get behind on things such as housework . laundry, my job, yard work and that stresses me out further. Once I get stressed all the negative thoughts come in and I feel like I am going to explode. So - as long as I stay on top of things which will keep me busy I feel pretty good. I like to look at staying on top of my life as validating in it self. The excitement of Halloween for my daughter keeps my mind off the fact that he is in Vegas for the week for a convention :-/. Not my circus not my monkeys!

Undercover you are doing great! I do believe that taking care of ourselves is validating us. You cannot expect to feel wonderful all the time so allow yourself to feel all the feelings for a brief moment when they happen. I told myself I could cry my eyes out once a day. After about 10 minutes or so and after the tears came it was a bit of a release for me and I could move on with my day. I got so used to it that when I felt really sad I would tell myself "oh yes it is that time to feel sad...ok." And now I don't cry everyday anymore! yay. But sometimes I don't allow myself to feel sad and fighting it makes it worse.

Another wonderful thing my therapist told me that I still reflect on daily is "if I am worrying or thinking about him, who is left to take care of Shani?" And that is why Shani feels so lonely sometimes. So now when my mind starts to go to him, I say to myself...Oh darn I have left me behind to sit there all alone...I better go get her and do something to take care of her. It's as if I have to look at myself from afar and then I can see her. Like a friend who is a different person. One I am just getting to know.

When I was with the Narc last year I had to change my ringtone on my phone because it drove me insane when I would get any text. I got so addicted to the texting that it took me nearly a month to unwind from the habit. Allow yourself time to heal and keep taking good care of yourself.