Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I understand that holidays are a tough time for many of us. Whether are healing from a relationship gone wrong or in a relationship that we are struggling to keep ourselves healthy in. The holidays bring out traits in us and in others in our lives that may not come out at any other time of the year. For we women who love too much we tend to get a bit needy, Yeah, I said it - hate me if you must! :-) I am speaking from experience. I am in a relationship and as I posted a few weeks ago I am beginning to have needy moments. If I don't hear form him in my brain begins to cycle. I have to get busy and stay that way so bad behaviors do not surface. For instance this weekend he was planning to get a lot of holiday things done with his girls - trim the tree, see Santa, etc. My daughter and I were planning to go with him but he shoots me a text and asked if it would be OK if he hung with just his girls this weekend because they have so much to do in a short time - then I could spend some mommy time with my daughter too. First - I think OH NO - he's blowing me off!! I had to sit and think - OK, he and his girls just spent Thanksgiving Day and night until 1 the next day with you. You went to see a tree lighting Thanksgiving night, he asked if it was cool for the weekend to change - he didn't tell! ( I answered "Of course that is fine, thank you for telling me") I got a few random text this weekend - pictures, etc. tree up, girls at Santa). So when i CALMED DOWN I TOLD MYSELF - HAVE FUN! So my daughter and I spent the weekend doing fun holiday things. I took care of me and realized that he was right. We are together but we are separate people too. I imagine I will talk to him tonight - if not y'all might see me back on here.
LET'S USE THIS THREAD IN A POSITIVE WAY. LET'S TALK HERE ABOUT HOW WE BEGAN TO SPUN OUT OF CONTROL OVER THE PAST HOLIDAY AND AS OTHERS APPROACH. LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW WE CAUGHT OUR BEHAVIOR AND CORRECTED IT - IF WE DID NOT MAKE THE CORRECTION LET'S LEARN FROM EACH OTHER AND SEE HOW WE CAN HANDLE IT BETTER NEXT TIME - Progress not Perfection!!
LET'S USE THIS THREAD IN A POSITIVE WAY. LET'S TALK HERE ABOUT HOW WE BEGAN TO SPUN OUT OF CONTROL OVER THE PAST HOLIDAY AND AS OTHERS APPROACH. LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW WE CAUGHT OUR BEHAVIOR AND CORRECTED IT - IF WE DID NOT MAKE THE CORRECTION LET'S LEARN FROM EACH OTHER AND SEE HOW WE CAN HANDLE IT BETTER NEXT TIME - Progress not Perfection!!
i don't have men problems right now but i have wwltm problems and i have cravings for drugs and alcohol during the holidays.
luckily this year i have a puppy to keep me busy and keep my mind from depressive thinking. well i suppose part of that is my effort from what i've learned in DBT. i use distress tolerance when the "neediness" and anxiety increases over anything not just relationships. sometimes i'm not willing to change what i'm doing and i stay in that obsessive loop but for the most part i'm eager to get out of it…..
we really do have control over our behavior even when we don't feel like it…all we have to do is take a break for 20 minutes before we act. AND perhaps even reach out before we act. that's it. but then again there is that willingness factor.
If I act a certain way(not needy and clingy), how long will it take for my feelings to follow?? I know I will start to feel better in a few days and can get back to meetings, running, etc, but right now this really sucks!
I was reading the WWLTM book again and it scares me. I want to try and have a healthy relationship and continue to work on me, but I fear that I am heading backwards. What do you tell yourself to keep motivating yourself. I think I will pray and try some meditation, I know that works for me.
What scared you in the book
I think the biggest thing for us to realize is a healthy need/want vs. a manipulative one or a controlling one. The talks in depth about not doing any of the things you have done before to control or manipulate. It doesn't seem like you are being manipulative it seems like you feel bad and want him to bring some chicken noodle soup.
i agree with IZ it is a good opportunity for you to test out your new skills. if he leaves b/c you don't want to go to a movie every tuesday b/e you have an important standing meeting that is in your best interest than i would question if there is enough room in the relationship for you? you have to make room for yourself by showing up full present and honest about your needs!! if it's all about him there is no relationship and no room for you. is that what you want?? we get needy when our needs are not met. just like when we try to push a feeling away the feeling becomes stronger. when we try to push a thought away our thoughts become more obsessive. when we beomce needy it's because our needs are not met and we start to get anxious that our needs will never be met….that there isn't enough room for us….
btw i STILL want him more than anything when i'm struggling emotionally or physically with pain. i long for him still. everyone wants to be comforted i really don't think that is distorted or a wwltm thing at all. i think the neediness thing is an emotion dysregulation thing that most wwltm have…….
my two cents.
Finn did a good job of explaining the dance and the first time I heard about it was in the book. I tried to find the pages but I couldn't but I know it is in there. You have an opportunity to do things differently and that will include fear. Whenever I am forced to make a decision for myself I am scared. To tell someone no, or I would rather not, or thanks but no thanks causes me a tremendous amount of discomfort. Do what is best for you at all times. Be scared and do it anyway.
this shit is scary.