Hello everyone, 

I'm completely new here. friend showed me this website and I immediately thought i could share the burden on my mind.My name is Mochi and my problems are emotionally unstable, introverted and cold men,especially asians they attract me with power of gravity.History of those confused relationships is following me for many years.I would say for 5 years I'm stuck in this pattern and not able to get out of there. Most of people tell me, you have a talent to date jerks, they do not deserve you, you are too good. But that's the question am I really too good or simply obsessed?

About 2 months ago I started to talk with a guy online, he was younger than I, quite distant from my place, but that was not a problem. I started to feel he is so easy to talk to and with a time I gained trust. We shared everything and  you know the butterflies in my belly started to appear. He was quite quirky and his humour was very dark, but I ignored it and took it as part of his personality. I was just really happy there is someone I can talk about anything. There was a few things I did not like about him but yeah... why should I point out at flaws first. We started to daydream and talk about things we would do together and I suggest that we should meet in person, because online relationships are really hard and very misleading. He started to doubt about me that I do not notice everything he says and that I might even date someone else... that he simply doubts we get along well. But we were stuck there and due to certain reasons he could not leave his place to meet me ( even I)In a following weeks he started to be more cruel with jokes. As I mentioned his dark humor was more about my body, my voice and... jokes about his desire to hear me crying.Of course it was not funny, even more when he knows about all anxiety and emotions I have. He made fun of it also even he had wide experiences with depressions. It hurted me.

I started to feel what I liked about him is fading out and turns to be the sibject of his humour.. There were the days when it looked like he cares too much or he does not care at all. But I was obsessed with him and blind. A few days ago he confessed to me that he slept with a girl , he was drunk and could not resist the temptation. He was unsure if he is loyal enough and would not guess he would be able to cheat on me.. . If he will have a will to resist sexual temptation. It was gross I must say.He clearly made me sure we will have to cut the contact because he will cause only harm to me. The drama continued because I was generally depressed that whole of his behavior to me since the startwas only a joke. I was a toy, I was a part time entertainment he had no feelings for. My body, my personality, my face, my problems, my life and nonexisting respect turned to a joke, entertainment and  were traded for nonexisting emotions. I'm so ashamed like I've never been, because I've been there so many times and ... I thought it's over since i was trying to avoid some commitments as possible and blame it on coincidence that shows " mr, right" when I least expect it.and the worst is that i can't do anything, because I was just simply into wrong guy again. He kept telling me that it was my assumptions, all those jokes, that he never lied to me. Now I see it as pathetic lie as whole process of " getting rid of me " with emotional words " I think you deserve better guy" and instant self punishment. In the end I was not sure if personal meeting would change something. 

All I wanted to ask you ladies is if you ever experienced this sort of thing and if you ever been obsessed with certain race?Have you ever experienced this type of sudden change from side of guy as well? Maybe your opinion about whole thing will help me too

p.s I'm also starting to read this Norwood's book about women like me. I'm really down and it really hurts to remind myself I've been a toy.