Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
He called both of my lines but didn't leave a message. I saw his number last night & I didn't pick up. Tonight I can't help wondering why he called. Did he call to berate me some more? We broke up for the last time over 2 months ago. He has BPD & serious rage issues as well as being an N. I've been working so hard to move forward. I'm doing positive things that I've never done before & it feels fantastic. I know I can find a good healthy partner but I feel thoughts of him creeping in! Help!!
Since any reply is supply, I simply deleted his friend frequest and blocked that profile as well.
Blocking him is what keeps the thoughts of the illusion from resurfacing. I have had some of the women that I work with get new phone numbers and emails because the exes would send emails and texts from unknown numbers when they figured out they were blocked. Do whatever it takes to distangle yourself from this mess. It is your life, take it back.
Keep doing the positive things you are doing, I recommend blocking calls/texts/mails as Susy said and don't let him back into your head. he willonly mess it up, thats all they ever know how to do.
I guess that we have to remember that just as you say, any thoughts they have of us are NOT positives.
damn that ego!
RE: Is he thinking about me?
I think one of the most covertly abusive aspects of the narcissistic relationship is psychological and emotional invalidation. When the narcissist has NO reaction to us at all, it denies our humanity. Makes us feel like were worthless, invisible, unimportant, irrelevant. Its so dispiriting we cant believe its happening and so, we try one more time to see if we can get them to respond. If they dont respond, their silence reinforces the belief that were worthless. This is very similar to what a child feels when a parent neglects them and does not meet their emotional needs.
If the N responds though, we perceive it as validation that were living, breathing, human beings. That we do have impact on others even if it hurts us. Even if the N is angry, at least we feel seen and heard and validated. This is the Hook we feel when ending an abusive relationship. If the N had never acknowledged our existence, we wouldnt get hooked emotionally. The hook is called Intermittent Reinforcement. We had ALL the Ns attention, dedication and admiration at one point, so we KNOW its there. If we can just do things RIGHT, well be rewarded with a response of some kind.
The Ns acknowledgment of our existence temporarily fills an inner void that everyone experiences when an important relationship ends.
The problem with thinking we can earn validation (reward) is that were blaming ourselves for doing something WRONG when were NOT validated. We falsely believe that their invalidation is and was our fault.
Invalidation is one of the most painful cruelties human beings can experience. Going No Contact is all about healing yourself. Its not about making the narcissist miss you so much that he acknowledges your existence with a reply. Wondering why or if hell respond is still giving him too much power to validate your existence!
I know this isnt easy and we all do similar things until we get through this painful grieving period. Ending a relationship is excruciating for n-survivors because we think we found the answers to our self-doubt and self-worth when we met the N. Then suddenly, we find out they didnt even see us as human beings. They loved us like people love KitchenAids.
If we had any esteem issues or doubts about our worth and value, the D&D (devalue and discard) intensifies those feelings. It may take years to overcome a dysfunctional childhood after the N awakens fears we may not have known were there. The first step towards healthy self-reclamation is to let the N go his or her merry way and begin a long journey of self-discovery, initiated by our grief. It sounds like youre feeling the loss right now and its probably overwhelming
Even years later, its unfathomable to me how Ns can pick up and move on as if we never even existed. I will never understand it and I dont have to understand it. All I have to do is ACCEPT it.
Remember, the narcissists lack of attachment says NOTHING about you. All it says is that Ns are incapable of emotional attachment to anyone. They are NOT suffering, though. We are. So even in the darkest of times when you dont think you can tolerate another moment of pain, remind yourself how marvelous it is to Feel and Feel Deeply. Even sorrow.
Every second of their lives they are searching and searching and searching. For something to make the pain and hate they feel about themselves go away. But it aint happening. So they go through woman after woman looking for the perfect love. Find it for the first month or so and then discover this woman has feelings of her own, is not perfect, does not think everything they say and do is right, and ooops, time to move on to the next victim.
Normal people are basically trusting and reciprocally nurturing. Narcissists trust no one...they are perpetual machines of self-reliance and indifference. If you were hurt in the relationship, it was your fault for letting yourself be hurt. If you loved the narcissist, it was your fault for falling in love with your superior. Hey, what made ya think you were worthy of this mortal gods love anyway? LOLLOLLOL
Narcissists are gods unto themselves, doling out punishments, and golden crumbs, and exacting eye-for-an-eye justice, when the truth is: narcissists are blind. Blind to an empathic and interconnected world they cannot see. Blind to their own disconnect within themselves. They expect us to learn how to Talk to a Narcissist. They demand that we cater to their whims and forgive them their faults. They expect other people to hand them answers because they refuse to do that work themselves. Dont cater to the narcissists pretense that he-or-she wants to be good and wise and loving. They say all the right things and do all the wrong things and believe me, theyre just fine with the way things are. You dont see narcissists hanging out on message boards trying to fix whatever ails them, now do you? Hey, they can log on like the rest of us...they just do not care enough about their impact on others to put themselves through the misery.
When the object of their affection fails to reflect their perfection, its time to Move On to the next object.
Let em go. You have far more wonderful things to do with your life than teach an unteachable narcissist. Take your education in psychopathy and teach yourself how to live the kind of life you want to live: connected and connecting, responsible and responsive, loved and loving, respected and respecting...........You cannot do that with a narcissist who constantly manipulates your humanness to meet his self-centered needs. As much as you want him to Wake Up and join the human race, thats his job--and he aint about to commit himself to a life he does NOT value.
We are kind because we are kind, and narcissists are mean because they are mean. You really cannot have a relationship with a narcissist and expect them to experience life the way you do. They do not. We say narcissists perceptions are distorted because they refuse to trust and love others; and narcissists say our perceptions are distorted because no one can be trusted and love is a trap.