Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Well I met him for lunch yesterday... I thought I was doing so good. Now here I am, constantly checking my phone for a message, allowing thoughts of him in the safe spaces in my head. Obsessing. Definitely a bump in my recovery process.
Not really sure why he wanted to meet me. He shared some updates on his situation. Told me he loved me. Gave me a hug. Didn't put any big moves on me. Wants to be my friend. And, of course, I want what I've always wanted. Him. I want him to mean it when he says he loves me. I want him to want me. To stay. To be the one. I'm a fool.
I have to put my dog down this week. He offered to come with me. After obsessing over him all day I texted him, and he said he would do anything to be there with me. I'm begging my Higher Power to save me from myself. I am so weak to him. I do not feel as bad as I have in the past, but these feelings are so familiar, and I know there is nothing that will ease this. My intellect KNOWS that he is not capable of what I need/want. I KNOW that my continual dance with him is nothing more than recreating the hopeless dance from my childhood with my father. I don't trust my feelings. I second guess everything I say, and my head is a jumbled mass of inexpressable feelings. I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!! So why do I feel so desperate for him. Why do I feel that he's the solution to the sad.
I'm tired, I feel no passion for anything anymore. Chaos in my workplace. Sadness at home. And I'm afriad that if I get online and start dating, I'll just find another same ol' situation, because I'm not learning the lessons from this one.
I need help from the universe. I'm waving my white flag. I'm going to bed and pulling up the covers. Uncle.
I can identify with your state of chaos and anxiety. It sounds like knowing your ex can't be trusted to take care of your heart is putting you in this state. I have been in a similar state for much of my relationship with my boyfriend (we've been going out for 5 years). I have recently acknowledged that I am sick of this anxiety, so I downloaded a program I had ordered a year ago from Melanie Tonia Evans in how to deal with the narcissist in your life. My friend, who was going through an awful divorce, recommended her to me. I went ahead and ordered the program but up until now have not actually downloaded the series. I started today, though. I'll share with the group my take on the program--it will reinforce the information in my mind and hopefully help others.
So far the big idea I have been hearing in the podcast is that it's critical, when you decide you need to do something about the situation in your life in relationship to a narcissist (or I would extend this to anyone in which one is obsessed over and is depleting their energy with the focus on how to manipulate/change the situation or the person), that you practice self-care. Take your vitamins, exercise, eat healthily. Melanie Tonia Evan's philosophy is that if you're involved with someone who is narcissistic or in any way not respecting your boundaries/is not respectful of you, it is because unconsciously you are inviting this into your life. By practicing self-care, one ceases to invite this and is able to develop stronger boundaries. So that is the big idea I have learned today.
You are going through some heavy stuff right now with your dog....I'm so sorry Proofer. How sad. This is going to be a difficult next-while for you. Sending your supportive and healing thoughts.
Remember to take care of yourself.
Love Artgrrl.
First, I am very, very sorry to hear about having to put your dog down. I am sure that if it's gotten to this point, it's the merciful thing to do. I am keeping you in my thoughts. I had a dog for 11 years who was the closest thing to my baby girl as I've every had, so I understand. I think you are lucky to be able to say goodbye, the right way. Still doesn't make it easier. Take care of yourself, and don't let anyone tell you it's less of a loss or grief. Pets are the closest thing to unconditional love as I've every experienced.
As for your ex, I have to ask the question: why did you agree to go meet him if you know it would cause you all this turmoil? I have always operated on No Contact after a painful split because the distance (at least, for this WWL2M) makes it easer to get objective and create the emotional space needed to heal.
I have a recommendation for you. Not sure if you're a reader, but there is a book out there called Tiny Beautiful Things, by Cheryl Strayed. She was a former love-advice columnist on The Rumpus, that you likley know as the protagonist in the movie "Wild." Anyways, the book is a compendium of her advice on love spanning across all aspects. I think you will enjoy reading it. It lifts you up in those moments when you feel not-in-control. When I read it, I realized that I am not alone in my stuggle with love... lots of people walk an an imperfect path. Look it up. :)
That's all I got tonight. Wishing you strength. ~p
Thank you for the understanding about my dog. I was unable to have children after several IVF attempts, so puppies have become the focus of all my nurturing. She's been so lovely, it's breaking my heart. But it also breaks my heart that the hip dysplasia is making it virtually impossible for her to walk, and her pain is no longer being effectively managed. I've been teary all day as I ready myself to say goodbye. And the thought of saying goodbye is reminding me of all the goodbye's I've said in my life. And I have raging PMS and it's grey and rainy here, so I'm a bit of a jumbled mess I'm afraid. NO ONE in my professional life would believe this of me. They see an iron madam. Truth is I'm a sad, insecure rattled mess. Amazing what a week can unravel. Sorry for the whiney rant...
Artgrrl I love what you've shared so far about the podcast. I look forward to your updates as you move through. That might be something I'd be interested in downloading too. I do believe that taking care of myself is key. I've worked through a lot of that with my therapist, and I do think it changes the trajectory of our thoughts... the actions change the thinking, etc. You share such easily digestible information! Especially when moving through a "crazy" phase. I identify a lot with what you've shared about your bf... I'm sure my Kryptonite has elements of narcissism as well. Though he tends to play the game of wanting me to fix him, and then leaving me to fix himself....none of which ever happens. You are right though. While it may not seem it this week, I am coming to grips with the truth that he cannot be trusted with my heart, or any other aspect of my life. I keep asking my Higher Power (God, for me) to take this feeling of helplessness from me. And to let me feel the strength of loving myself more than... well, anyone really. I guess He thinks I have a bit more to learn.
penseuse - you are right to ask why I would have met him. I should not have. If you knew me in my past relationships, you would be shaking your head at me now. I used to be so tough. When I was done with them, I was done. No contact. Finished. But this one... I can't explain it. I remember the first time we split, I warned him to be sure this is what he wanted because I didn't play the back and forth game. When we were done, that was it. Well, we met yesterday two months after our FOURTH split. I'm rolling my eyes so hard at myself I'm giving me a headache! I can't believe I've become this girl. Woman. Ditz. I'm ashamed of myself. I know we will not work. I know he will never want me the way I want him. But until now I have not been able to leave him alone. I just.... want him. I don't want to want him so badly, but then I go back. I didn't sleep with him this time. Didn't even let him kiss me (and he tried) so I think I'm making some progress. But you are 100% correct. I should not have gone with him. I am a reader. A voracious reader of all things. I'm going to find Cheryl Strayed's book. And I thank you for the suggestion. In my out-of-control moments (usually at night) I hit the books first. Though lately I've been coming here and the interaction has been an absolute lifeline for me!
Thank you again ladies!!!