Growth is not a direct trajectory from point A to point Z.. I see it now as a spiraling around that sometimes circles back and forth...But it is okay. We learn with experience, with telling, with support and love. Some of us, like myself, do not have support outside this blog, I wanted to just say I THANK YOU ALL for being here for me. I have grown so much and still am growing. I know what I deserve. My little girl still wants my ex periodically, but I have created an inner dialogue with her everyday and I remind her how much I LOVE her and I will protect her. I will give her that Love she so desperately needed. It is so heartbreaking to hear the pain here, but I know that through pain comes a new love and understanding. I pray for each one of us here that we will continue on this path.

Finally, I went on a trip with my daughter to Aruba for a family wedding. I was so looking forward to getting away. Of course, the thoughts and feelings of him haunted me every day. I was tormented when I went for my morning run wishing I was with him. Why was I allowing him to ruin my cleansing and healing vacation? Then I thought what better place to heal.. I let the blue skies and teal water become my place to meditate, visualize and begin to let go. I allowed God the universe to cleanse me..I cried so hard I truly thought I was dying from a broken heart...truly dying...then it happened I started talking to little Girl in me and eventually she trusted me. She told me she didn't want to let go of him. I assured her that this was normal but his love wasn't real and in time she will feel so complete and whole she won't feel this way. Doing this inner work is releasing me from so much. I now intentionally try to see if I will cry because I want to be able to look back and see how I am growing. Letting go doesn't happen all at once, it happens memory by memory, thought by thought. Yes, we do need to stay away from them. I slipped after several emails from him and told him he destroyed me. I realized it was little girl who wanted him to know this, she wanted to feel better. Looking back, now I see that really all he wanted to do was see if i was hurting.. I empowered him by telling him he destroyed me. The reality is all this pain is freeing me and healing me. I am mourning the fact that I will never be with him, he will never be my baby again. This is okay..it hurts yes..but it is okay.. All of this takes time and I am getting stronger. Thanks to all of you and your support. The aloneness has forced me to go within and to really heal ME! I encourage each one of you to look at the loss as a culmination of losses from long ago. We will survive and emerge on the other side as beautiful free spirits. Keep telling, keep loving yourselves. We go through stages of abandonment that are distinct but a path to our healing...Love to all of you. Thank you again for the support...I truly am getting stronger. (((((((HUGS))))))))