Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
we are told our entire lives to "focus on the positive". when it comes to leaving unhealthy relationships for women like us, this is a huge downfall. physiologically, we are more inclined to remember good memories with more clarity than bad ones. When we are presented with abusive behavior in a partner, we justify it and hold onto the "good times", even though they may be very few in comparison to the bad times.
I want everyone to take a moment and focus on "how bad you feel" vs how good you felt.
you are not being a negative person. you are being real. the reality is, these relationships are NOT good. we need to cut down on the chains that bind us. whatever happened in the beginning that caused us to love them with such intensity that we would sacrifice our own lives for their happiness, is not a true bond based on trust, actions, and promises kept. These bonding moments do not justify enduring pain and heartache. Look at facts and work on acceptance of those brutal facts.
now take those negatives and turn them to positives, on your own terms.
the positive is, you are not a door mat and you can make the choice to not live this way. Your actions were based, at least on your part, for love. any action made in the act of love or attempted love is not wasted. Love is a learning experience, and many of us had inadequate teachers. If you are here reading this it means you are a survivor. you are looking for help in what impossibly seems like your darkest hour. but you can overcome. You dont have to live in the past.
I want everyone to take a moment and focus on "how bad you feel" vs how good you felt.
you are not being a negative person. you are being real. the reality is, these relationships are NOT good. we need to cut down on the chains that bind us. whatever happened in the beginning that caused us to love them with such intensity that we would sacrifice our own lives for their happiness, is not a true bond based on trust, actions, and promises kept. These bonding moments do not justify enduring pain and heartache. Look at facts and work on acceptance of those brutal facts.
now take those negatives and turn them to positives, on your own terms.
the positive is, you are not a door mat and you can make the choice to not live this way. Your actions were based, at least on your part, for love. any action made in the act of love or attempted love is not wasted. Love is a learning experience, and many of us had inadequate teachers. If you are here reading this it means you are a survivor. you are looking for help in what impossibly seems like your darkest hour. but you can overcome. You dont have to live in the past.
It is much easier though now to see the reality. I think you are so right..it's so essential to be able to see the truth when it is a painful truth. This is a difficult thing to do. Progress is on a spectrum. I think it's so key for us, to build throughout our lives, ways of taking care of ourselves and making ourselves feel good. So we can deal with these hard truths, so they are easier to face, so we do not need to turn to alcohol, sex, drugs, fantasies, whatever our addictions are.
she said that still there was a lot of good things in the realtionship, and somehow her response made me question my perception of the whole relationship. i tried to establish with ther that it wasnt healthy, because he seems unavailable emotionaly and i keep holding on to him or at least i did.
today i feel like maybe i was wrong. dont know. cant really say, now all the good things about it come back to me and i miss him more and regret cutting him off. so confusing this stuff is...
x
i have really looked at the bad points, because i had an urge to contact him.
problem is he was so attentive and caring- that was what made me like him so much and hard to give up.
i felt like our souls were together, because he had so much empathy and saw what i was feeling.
but he gave so many double messeges that i got crazy.
or maybe he was too threatened by the fact that i want to have children. he feels too old for that, but he was thinking about it.
well the reason i didnt contact him is that i am tired of being at a confusing place...
Mine was not a typical "bad" guy. He was responsible, with ambitions and goals. when we talked it made sense, we made sense, until the moment he walked out the door and i was constantly wondering, things didnt match up... and i fell for it, over and over again till his true nature came out, and it will, eventually, always come out.
i thought he understood me, that he loved me, that it was me, that i was being "controlling". that i was damaged, crazy, unworthy.
now looking back, i can see where i got confused, and why i was so upset and lunatic about it.
subtle body cues, the way eye contact would be different, the way he would touch me... the way he would guard his phone at times like his life depended on it, and the small endless line of white lies...
it usually happens gradually... they feel us out, and we are often so desparate for wanting love and attention and a connection that we are willing to give him any information he needs to manipulate us.
we interpret it as empathy. as connection.
Where i am now i wouldnt trade for the world, i NEVER EVER want to be so confused and lost again...
this last go round nearly ended me... i had never wanted to die so many times in my life... i was constantly ptsd triggered, and i was dangerous and in a scary place.
its a scary thing to know that you have been down that dark road and looked the devil in the eye and had so much hate in you that even evil's heart skipped a beat...
I say this... because i think you are doing the right thing with NC. dont let yourself continue down the path of confusion... no matter how hard it is... and if you fall off the wagon, wipe off the dirt and get right back on.
ive been down many roads with this "condition" of wwltm, and with PTSD from the assholes that tried to kill the light in me... and it all starts with confusion. the guessing game, the moment you start guessing yourself you lose a bit of who you are...
the moment you start guessing yourself you lose a bit of who you are..
This is exactly my problem that I'm having right now. I perceive things about people, anything negative I perceive I will always second guess. I have a hard time accepting the truth if it is negative. I can know things mentally but like someone else wrote, its really different to truly feel in my heart that something is true. I have a hard time believing that someone who could know me on a close level could hurt me, which is totally irrational because it's happened all through my life.
I also have problems with knowing who I truly am and what I truly want. I do have a few basics down...but other than those basics I do fluctuate wildly on some major issues like what I want to do after my degree.
I just can't stop THINKING! I want to do more ACCEPTING!
x
The thing is, all that is going on with us, our emotions, feelings about our partner and ourselves have so many causes, and you have to address them one at a time. We are where we are not because we met an asswipe who disrupted our world, but because of our decision making processes and our thinking patterns about love are often self destructive.
We must learn to validate ourselves, our feelings, find WHO we are.
baby steps. i often tell people to go out and do something for themselves, that they hadnt done because of a partner, or for multiple excuses, and just for that day, dont care what anyone says or thinks. just for a day.