Hi, glad you're feeling a bit of hope. It's a long, hard journey and this group really helped me in the early stages of my ex leaving. It is good to be among woman who still love our exes no matter what they do to us and that it is ok. I'm coming my to three years since my ex walked and I can finally find joy and happiness in my life. I've learned many things along the way about myself and about the men I tend to end up with, to quote my counselor "I'm a poor picker of men" Who knew?? Well, I know now and I'm armed with experience, new tools and have taken off my rose colored glasses. Now I know all about RED FLAGS

whoops...wasn't quite done, lol. anyhoo, those pesky red flags will not get me next time around. Hang in there, it really is a one day at time journey. Keep your head up and your eyes on the future, no looking in the rear view, we're not going that way anymore, right???? Hugs!

I am so happy with the support here. I was beside myself trying to find a group of women who would understand. My therapist suggested the online community. It's amazing how just a bit of interaction yesterday with a few ladies buoyed my spirits. I guess there is power in numbers.
And your story... again, gives me hope that I can change. Funny your counsellor calls you a "poor picker of men". That's what I've said so many times in the last few months. I'm a bad picker. But you give me hope that there are tools and realities that can teach me to see flags that I have never seen before. I don't want to give up on the hope of a healthy relationship. I've done it before. Did not date once in the 13 years after my divorce. Finally gave it a chance and... yup, picked poorly again. But today I know I can love him, and learn to detach from him. And I'm starting to believe I can learn a new way.
Thank you again for your supportive words! Here I go... just looking forward now!!

So glad you are feeling better!
And yes, you can love him. I still love my ex who sexually assaulted me and serial cheated on me. I've seen, in the 6 years we have been apart, him basically become an alcoholic party guy and gain a ton of weight. These men are not happy. I have been trying very recently to focus on having compassion for him and forgiving him for what he did (all this without contacting him). For so many years I hated him and all that did was hurt me, prevent me from moving on, and kept me in victim mode.

So often people outside these relationships cannot understand that these men are not monsters. They are human beings who do terrible things.

I'm so sorry that happened to you!! And I believe you are right. My ex is not happy either. But I'm focusing on my readings and detachment, and knowing that his path to happiness is HIS business not mine. I've spent enough years on trying to control that. I've never thought of him as a monster. After everything, he is someone that I see as worthy. He doesn't see that. But my focus now has to be on seeing myself as worthy. I can see that will be an uphill job. But I'm reassuring myself of it everyday.
Thanks again for your insight. It all helps!!