I feel the same way. sad. I like being in love.

Missmom- I understand that feeling. That's why it was so hard for me to finally go NC. I felt like I wanted him, loved that feeling of seeing him, being with him, but underneath it was a deep depression because I knew it was fake. I was sad it was fake, I wanted it to be real, but it just wasn't and I knew I had to get away. The longer I stayed the harder it was. After you go NC it is withdrawl. I truly believe in trauma bonds/ addictions to these guys. You just have to stay NC and and fight it. It's hard, painful, sad.

But what what I mean is, a part of me doesn't want to feel sane again, not starved for him. That wasn't love. I know it now that it was not, yet I still kinda want it.

I have the fear of unknown. This hysteria is familiar to me. It gets my mind off of other things. Without this feeling, I will have to deal with ther other stuff.

is the other stuff worse than the him-hysteria?

At the beginning, yes. Now, no. It is the loneliness that gets me. Ironic since I was still alone with him.

I know what you mean.
But as time passes, you learn to love your own company again.
I was EXTREMELY lonely when I was with M. He'd be lying right next tome and my heart would be split in two, feeling totally deprived almost all the time. Now that he's gone, I don't have those expectations. I have me...and I never let myself down. Well at least not to the point he has.

Missmom- I felt the same way. I didnt want it to be over with him, I wanted to be with him. I ached and longed for the way he made me feel, the way I felt with him, about him. Part of me wanted to stay in it, I loved it, loved him, was addicted to him, the feelings, the life. Is that what you mean? If so, I get that feeling. And yes, EXTREMELY lonely without him but it very very slowly got better. Even now a year later I can remember how that felt, how I kept wanting to stay. Kind of like an addict a year clean, life is so much better and glad they stopped but can close their eyes and remember what it's like to crave it.

For me it was the energy. The hum my body felt when he was around. Even though I knew the energy I felt too many times was anxiety. The awful feeling of the unknown. I loved and hate him a hundred times a day.

yes. love-hate.
and i get that constant hum..
But none of it made any sense anymore.
Coffeecupgirl, I was more lonely when I was with him than I am now. I'm not lonely now. Now, I'm alone, as in single. Whereas before, I was not single but I was all by myself. My partner was absent even when he was sitting right next to me. I went to family functions alone, I was never invited to any of his family or friends things. That emptiness is palpable. I was invisible.
So no, I don't miss him, what's there to miss?
It's that feeling, that thrill I got at the thought of winning him over. The anticipation associated with getting a call or text or a visit from him. I miss feeling even an ounce of his validation, I'd worked so hard for those crumbs..when he'd reward me it was amazing.
I feel sick

I remember being next to him wanting affection and getting nothing in return. Wanting those crumbs. Calling me baby and sweety and then hearing him on the phone calling someone else those same words.

What I miss is the adrenaline rush, the anticipation, how I always was stressed out about his behavior, overinterpreting every gesture, catching the smallest crumbs and eating them like they were caviar.

And then I was seeing him doing the same thing with other women. It made me so terribly depressed.... And made me realize how terribly ridiculous I am.

The things we miss are so toxic.
I'm starting to really see how dysfunctional my thoughts about him are.
Last night I caught myself talking about M with a friend of mine and not being on the verge of tears, but rather, laughing hysterically at some of the stupid sh*t he's done. Relief. Finally.

I have just seen some recent pic of his ex - some of my friends know her, and the sudden rush of pain was excruciating.

How sick is this? How can it even hurt so much? I don't even know the lady!! I've seen her a few times with him but I never spoke to her.

I'm beginning to see him for who he really is. I keep repeating to myself that I deserve so much more.

It gets better. believe me.