Maybe what you are struggling with is what you feel vs. what you are thinking. Feelings such as anger, fear, worry, discontentment, shy, courageous, loving....all come with thoughts attached. Maybe instead of naming it you could describe it. How does it show up in your body. Does it feel like weight, does it feel dark, does it feel spacious.

For example right now I am feeling confused and unsure. The sensations that I am experiencing are heavy, irritable, tired, weary, slow.

I, too, have trouble with this question, in part I think because many feelings can coexist at any given moment. I mean, right this very moment I can feel grief (for a recent break-up), anger (at things in my past, i.e. parental abandonment), fear (at the thought of not healing and just getting hurt again) AND excitement (at the prospect of change).... oy. "Naming" these amorphous, many-stranded things called feelings can be very hard. Izzy's suggestion of trying to describe it in other terms is a good one.

this is super common with teenagers so when in therapy with them i would just say try to notice and label whenever you are mad sad or glad. start with the basics.

for an adult i think gratitude lists can help. when we can uncover what satisfying feels like we can easily figure out what is dissatisfying. once we detect there is a thorn in our sides we can then see if it's mad or sad. usually under anger is some sadness or disappointment. there is usually some grain of truth in anger.

in that DBT workbook is a long list of emotions and i wish so much i had a scanner to share it with you....it helps so much b/c it describes every emotion and what precedes it and other words to describe it...

for example: here is the handout on anger, in part....

ANGER WORDS:
angera
aggravation
agitation
annoyance
bitterness
exasperation
ferocity
frustration
fury
grouchiness
grumpiness
hostility
indignation
irritation
outrage
rage
vengefulness
wrath

prompting events for feeling anger
*having an d important goal blocked or prevented
*having an important or pleasurable activity interrupted, postponed or stopped
*you or someone you care about being threatened with physical or emotional pain by someone or something.
*you or someone you care about being insulted
*losing power
*losting status
*losing respect
*not having things turn out the way expected
*experiencing physical pain*experiencing emotional pain
*not obtaining something you want (that another person has)

interpretations of events that prompt feelings of anger
*believing that you have been treated unfairly
8believeing that important goals or pleasurable activities are being interrupted, postponed or stopped.
*believing that others are attacking or trying to hurt you or someone you care about
*believing that someone is insulting or disrespecting you or trying to control you.
*believing that things "should" be different than they are
*rigidly thinking "i'm right"
*judging that situation is illegitimate, wrong or unfair
*ruminating about the event that set off the anger in the first place or in the past.

biological changes and experiences of anger
*muscles tightening
*teeth clamping together, mouth tightening
*hands clenching
*feeling your face flush or get hot
*feeling rigidity in your body
*feeling like you are going to explode
*feeling incoherent
*feeling out of control
*being unable to stop tears
*feeling extremely emotional
*feeling nervous tension, anxiety or discomfort
*wanting to hit, band the wall, throw something , blow up
*wanting to hurt someone

expressions and actions of anger
*physically attacking the cause of your anger
*verbally attacking the cause of your anger
*making aggressive of threatening gestures
*walking heavily, stomping, slamming doors
*pounding, throwing things, breaking things.,
*walking out
*using a loud voice, yelling or screaming
*acting quarrelsome or sarcastic
*using obscenities or swearing
*criticizing or complaining
*talking about how lousy things are
*clenching your hands or fists
*frowning or not smiling
*having a mean or unpleasant facial expression
*brooding or withdrawing from others.
*gritting or showning your teeth in an unfriendly manner
*sarcastic or caustic voice tone
*crying
*grinning
*a red or flushed face

aftereffects of anger
*narrowing of attention
*attending only to the situation making you angry
*ruminating about the situation making your angry or not being able to think about anything else
*remembering and ruminating about situations that have made you angry in the past
*imagining future situation that will make you angry
*depersonaliaation, dissociative experience, numbness.


SO that is one page on anger. every main emotion has a page like this. i find it really cool b/c if i'm feeling dissatisfied for example i look that up and it actually falls under the emotion of envy. if i'm feeling wishful or if i'm longing for him it's all envy. and once i know what it is i know how to deal with it............

i didn't mean to push the book again. i only meant to show you that the emotion regulation portion is extremely helpful when we can't sort out our emotions......it's super common......

if you have some questions i can look anything up for you if you want......
xoxooox

ooo Finn I definitely am a ruminator!

I have trouble just putting a name or expression on how I feel. Like if my H says how do you feel today - I just go blank. No idea what to say. Nothing. Rabbit in the headlights type thing!
I would love to answer him., truthfully and honestly.

I did some good work today, with my therapist. I wrote down what I wanted to address.

It was
Feeling fear.
Being able to do whatever I want to without fear of disapproval or someone stopping me.
Being able to express what I want , need or feel.
Being able to say No!
Creativity. Whenever I get involved with someone the creativity just stops. I just can't think at all.
I am just fearful. Panic and anxiety are my main emotions so I need to stop this from holding me back.

Its interesting.
I tried to draw what I felt, it ended up like some weird spiral with spikes and an eye in the middle?!

Thanks Finn, I will print that off and read it again, and again!
I do have the book coming though.
x

oh good b/c there is some GREAT STUFF ON FEAR in the emotion regulation module....

blessings sunny...

sometimes when i'm numb or stuck or confused or unsure what's going on i just ask for some time and tell them i'll get back to them....

it also occurred to me that to just say "you know i'm not sure right now" is better than saying i'm fine. at least it's honest.

fine stands for fucked up insecure neurotic and emotional....haha.....try to speak your truth and if you're not sure that's okay.. there's no harm in that just say that. it's your truth at the moment.....if they give you flack for that it's their issue not yours......

sunny this will get better. i used to have an impossible time sorting out my feelings in the moment and now i can do it easily b/c i learned what each emotion feels like. so if i feel hot or tense i'm usually angry. not that i know what it's about in the moment yet but i can identify the emotion now.....if you're scared just say i'm scared fro some reason......simple really.

sunny considering where you started can you see your progress??? you're a rockstar!!!!!

You are probably experiencing alot of disassociation and are not feeling your emotions, this does not mean they are not happening, you are just detached. try to take some time alone each day, and try to feel. write down what you feel, any sensations, thoughts. if you cant feel then you cant. its important to take this time to yourself when you are healing anyways.

it's a good good point dracona.


do you ever feel feelings of being unreal....like in a detached from your body dream like state?? um....like you can see your body doing what it's doing but you don't feel as though you are the one telling it to do so??

sort of a deja vu but that is ongoing....

this would be important to talk to your therapist about b/c there are lots of things you can do to get back in your body.

i dissociate very well for as long as i can remember. i never felt as if i had control over it until DBT> also i lived in that state for years and it wasn't until one night i was driving in the forest on a freezing cold night with the stereo blasting and all the windows open that i felt myself come back into my body. it was the strangest sensation i had ever felt. all of a sudden i was cold but i could feel my back and butt against the seat and all of a sudden the music had QUALITY to it. i could hear things in the music i had never heard before. then i went through years of dissociating whenever my stress level went up a alitlte but i didn't want to dissociate so i hated myself and my body for doing it. i was extremely frustrated. i wanted to feel!!!! everything....now it's not happening very often so i'm cool with it. it is a defense a response to stress and anxiety and it was meant to protect us.....sunny if you do dissociate it is another trauma trait and bpd trait that really can get better.

have you explored the diagnosis of PTSD yet with your therapist?? a lot times trauma can look a lot like bpd.. and is often misdiagnosed.

Thats the work I need to do!
I did something like it with my therapist - getting back into my body.

We discovered that I tremble a lot - my legs and my hands. And this is a result of trauma and PTSD. and something we can work on. And its associated with my constant feelings of fear. Cant breathe or swallow, heart racing but can't speak. going hot and cold. Stuck.
She doesn't go for the BPD yet but its early days.
x

good thing you have a therapist who is good at dealing with trauma issues....

i hope you can start to find ways to feel more safe in the world and in your relationship and body so you have less fear.......

Me too Finn!

I didn't even realise these things until I started delving deeper. I put my shakes down to caffein but I gave it up about a year ago now. but I knew it wasn't just that.
The feeling caffeine gives me makes me feel the same as fear and anxiety does so I stopped it for that reason too.

I cheerlead myself all the time but its a constant dialogue in my head about everything….telling me I can't, what if you fail or mess up? yes you can Jax come on don't be a wuss, yes but Im going to go red and shaky, yeh but so what come ON!…that voice….you know how it goes!!!

A friend of mine suggested to me the other day that I take a drumming workshop. At first I said No! That's crazy!, but the idea's starting to grow on me. Do you think something like that would help you? Or else perhaps dance? This one dancer I know does movement workshops with traumatized people, and it sounds incredibly cathartic...

oooo drumming!! i want to be brave enough to do that!!!! sandra ingram has some great cd's on shamanic journeying.... love her...

I love to dance, I met my H at Ceroc. Its a kind of modern jive.
We don't go anymore.

2 reasons - he can't remember the moves so throws a strop, gets cross with himself and we have to leave the dance. and wheres the fun in that?

and to be honest I struggle with him wanting to dance with other women. with him being a seriel cheater and all. I usually don't let on, I just look away. but its easier to not go as you can see.!

;) Actually, I was thinking of the therapeutic kind of dance, the one you do, not with a partner, but under the guidance a trained professional to overcome trauma...

"Dance therapy (or dance-movement therapy, DMT) is the psychotherapeutic use of movement and dance for emotional, cognitive, social, behavioral and physical conditions. As a form of expressive therapy, DMT assumes that movement and emotion are directly related."