Regardless of what he thinks or feels you are worthy and loveable. That's a hard one to believe when you have feelings and they just pull out. Of course you want him to continue validating you because it does feel good. But since he's not going to do that now, validate yourself. You are the same woman you were four months ago before you met him. We have a tendency to over value the opinion of some one that does not treat us well. Your posts inspire me to disregard what "he" thinks about me entirely and accept myself just as I am. I'm plenty good enough and so are you.

remember cognitive dissonance??

I'm sorry. I don't know if it's because of the junk in my brain right now, but I am not following...

Missmom ; some info about cognitive dissonance.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?283-Overcoming-Brainwashing-and-the-Sociopath-s-World-of-Lies

Hi Miss,

The reality of a situation is usually very basic- hard to swallow at times-but just facts. If you and I were standing before a table and I emptied a bucket full of kings size candy bars on it and said take what you like. The reality of that situation is that I offered you candy. What is the story you would tell yourself about it though. You might say I am nice, or you might say I am crazy, you might say I am trying to sabotage your diet. For you it could be a wonderful experience or the worse possible thing in the world that could happen. It would depend on the story you told yourself but the truth is it was just candy.

So apply that to your current situation- The relationship ended. It didn't work out. That is the reality.
The story or the part you are adding to it is the what and the why. It ended because he does not love me or it ended because he is behaving as if he does not love me. Something is wrong with me, I keep picking the wrong men, I am ugly, stupid, too fat, too small, my eyes are too big, I am too needy, to demanding. All of this is the story and the story is why we suffer.

Your situation is already peaceful but if you just allow yourself to grieve for the loss of it without adding a painful story the grieving process will take care of itself and you will suffer less. Also it makes you less likely to go back because you don't need him to help you get rid of the bad feelings. Also you don't need him to explain his self or give you closure you can do all those things for yourself.

thank you Izzy. The question is...HOW?
It's very hard to seperate myself from the pain associated with it.

Beautifully said Izzy and I am struggling with the same. On a logical level, I know that my only suffering is in my head, that everything is okay. It doesn't feel that way at all right now because my brain is on overload remembering, reliving, rethinking and reevaluating everything that happened.
Last night I spontaneously went to see a movie by myself. I tried about four people and most of my friends are out of town right now but I pushed myself to go anyways. The movie was Boyhood, a film that is getting lots of attention right now. It was so powerful and simple. Shot over 12 years with the same actors, it is the virutal story of a boy's childhood, aged 6-18. I felt like I was living my life, different 'story' but somehow very much the same. It took me out of my head for three hours and I thought halfway through, "I haven't thought of X for an hour. Wow." When it finished, I walked home and called my son who was visiting and out with friends and then my ex-husband (father of my kids). It was almost our story and it brought me back to a much bigger picture, not the small one I had carved out for an emotionally abusive, insecure Cuban guy who I felt love and fear with. It brought me back to my life--the big whole story and I realized that I am just sad in a big, heartbroken life way. Like, how did this happen to me? How, at 49 am I alone having ended another shitty relationship, my kids are grown and independent, I am employed but unmotivated, I have too much history in the city that was my safe place? How? It's bigger than X or past X or past X, it's me, it's my life. I made it and now I have to re-make it. I cried big tears, the kind that wet your whole face in seconds. My ex husband who is actually like my brother to me and thinks I am special, soothed me a little.
This is the first time in my life that I am single and not reaching out to men, trying to go out looking, open. I am not open for business. So thank you Senor X for fucking my head up just that little bit more so I could look at me instead of you and you and you.

Hi Miss,

The how could be answered in a hundred thousand ways. I will throw out a few suggestions and hopefully the other women here will do the same but you will have to explore them and see which one works for you.

This is what I do. I pray, I journal, I meditate, I work out. I hurt, I cry, I wallow in self pity for a while and then I watch drama on tv and repeat the cycle all over again.
When the story comes up for me- it is usually that he is happy and loving some woman. I imagine them having sex and all that-----then I say ok, stop it that is not true. So then I allow myself to imagine him pissed up and crying about me----then I say ok you had your fun-stop making stuff up.

At first I had to say stop making stuff up all day long. Now I don't have to do it as much. I also have to stop making up stories about myself or about what is happening to me now. I also think one of the best thing I did was to stop trying to make myself feel better so quickly. You will feel better (in time) I know you don't want to hear that but it is the truth. So, for now just accept that you just broke up with him and it is not even realistic to feel better. So, allow yourself to feel bad and to hurt and focus on what that feels like in your body and take care of you. Just stop following the what if and how for just a moment and just be in this moment of your life. Say, I am hurting and that is ok. I can allow myself to hurt and I will be okay. Cause you will. And keep writing its helping whether you know it or not.

Creo,

You are in a beautiful place. I wish that you could see or hear what you posted and separate yourself from it. I imagine you as this beautiful woman with her arms wrapped around herself- allowing, being, experiencing the fullness of life. My prayer used to be that I lived a full life or a life well lived. At the time I imagined that a life well lived was about adventure, passion, purpose, and accomplishments. I realize now that the fullness, the wellness, the richness of life is about living in each moment of our lives without avoidance. It is the ability to cry, to shout, to scream, to make love, to have babies, to lose and gain.

You are right smack dab in the middle of the fullness of your life. The rich moments are not always the good ones. For me now in hindsight I can see the beauty in burying my husband, burying my parents, in every hard and painful relationship I had. Now, when I picture the younger me sitting in my bedroom feeling lost, alone, and unloved I can go back in that memory and see the fullness of life. Your sadness is a beautiful and rich thing. Embrace it and your broken heart- realize that this is your life being well lived.

You have grown, you have changed so what could be more appropriate than to say Thank you for giving me back to myself. I absolutely love it.

'I pray, I journal, I meditate, I work out. I hurt, I cry, I wallow in self pity for a while and then I watch drama on tv and repeat the cycle all over again.'

Indeed, all those things I do already.
My sister pointed out to me that I'm too hard on myself. That I'm trying to rush myself through the healing process. I know that I'm doing this but I'm only doing it because I want to get on with my life. I want the pain to end and I want to feel okay again. PRESENT

Surrendering to the pain now will give you peace. The suffering comes from resisting what is true right now.

sigh. yes