Miss,

No you haven't left us much to give you but I will do my best to work within the perimeters. I think you are right it does not matter why he is not calling or what illness he may be suffering from. Right now you are hurting and you want the pain to stop. So that is what I will focus on. Time may lessen the pain but it wont stop it- if you are still having the same thoughts.

Here are some suggestions and don't bite my head off here--remember I am working within the perimeters that you set.
One you have to separate your reality from your story. This is what I mean the reality is--is that he went cold, distant, and you felt like it was in your best interest at the time to end the relationship. He agreed to end it and blamed you for it. You are angry about it. That is reality.
The story is- that he does not love you, that he is happy and does not have a fucking care in the world. That he is asleep right now and that he is shitting rainbows and flying on top of the world. None of this may be true but you are thinking and behaving as if it is. This causes you more pain. Grief is natural and it has its own grace about it. Suffering is not and when we create stories and add to the loss we suffer. When we resist we suffer.

Let me use myself as an example. My husband died when our son was almost two years old. That was the reality. But I suffered for years after his death and it is only now -almost 7 years later- that I am actually grieving. This is why I suffered: I told myself a story---one my son could not be a man without his father, I told myself that my husband was my only shot at happiness and without him I would never be happy, I told myself that God was punishing me and my husband died because God did not love me, I told myself that others were laughing at me because my husband died and that they were saying why did she think she could keep a man. I told myself that my husband died because I was not good enough. I told myself I would never be happy, never know peace. I said I cant live without my husband I cant, I cant, I cant.

I was making all of that shit up. Even if my husband did live I don't know that we would have stayed together, I don't know if my son would be any better or worse than he is now (he is a great kid) Was it true that God was punishing me and people were not laughing at me. I made all that stuff up and lived like it was the truth. The reality was that my husband died and if I had accepted that and only that I would have just grieved not suffered. Three years later my mother died and the grief was just a soft loving sadness that was so tender and true. No suffering just grief.

Grief is natural your relationship ended it is over and that is all.

I hope that you cracked a smile when you imagined him shitting rainbows.

Izzy, I'm so sorry for everything you went through.

I'm not sure I understand though. Am I supposed to be painting a picture of him to make up for the raw truth that he just doesn't love me anymore? Will labeling him as a Commitment phobe lessen the hurt I feel? I'm really trying to wrap my brain around this. I'm so tired of chasing my guilt. He planted this seed in my brain and I can't help but feel like this is partly my fault. Coudl I have done anything differently, woudl he still be mine?

LOL. (Rainbows) YES I did!

Miss mom - there is nothing wrong with you. Why do we think we're not good enough when some guy hurts us? Could you be the meek little mouse that says nothing when he flakes out? Would you want to become that in order to keep him around? Do you want to wait around for him to decide? He doesn't like that you voiced your concern? Really? Tough shit for him.

It's so funny you said that Swelsha..

In the first few weeks, we were just texting and the very day after our first phone conversation, I texted him something like 'hello babe' - it was the first time I used a term of endearment and was a littel nervous about it. He answered 3 hours later and he said he just finished work and he went on in great detail about his 12 hours day. He saw the message, his phone is attached to his hand. But he didn't feel the need to respond right away. I only answered him the next morning and I said I didn't like that he took so long to reply.
He came back with how he would have felt teh same way, and I'm absolutely right. He also said that he's not the 'FLAKE OUT ' type - was just very focused on a certain task at work in that moment.
From then on, I had his full attention.

But then he throws it in your face as a reason to leave.

hi missmom! i remember you!! welcome back!

i agree with what the ladies said. sometimes we have to be careful or at least question the stories we are telling ourselves. or else we tend to fondle our stories which is the very thing creating our suffering..

byron katie does THE WORK and has a website called thework.com if you choose to go to her website look for a downloadable worksheet called judge your neighbor and work through it step by step.

regardless can you re read your post and see what story you are telling yourself???

I'm telling myself that he adored me one minute and then teh next, he stopped.

I know you don't like the term "commitment phobe" and there are a million other terms you can use instead:
Love Avoidant
Counter Dependent
Avoidant Attachment Style
etc

The term isn't the point. I know a lot of people get hung up on terminology. The point is that it gives you a place to look for the answers you are currently seeking. I had the same exact questions. I needed answers. He wasn't going to give them. My psychologist gave me the term, I looked into it, read a few articles, it completely described it perfectly, I bought the book and was blown away. Not only did it describe everything about my relationship with this man, but described everything he had told me about his previous relationships. And since they talked directly to commitment phobes when they wrote the book, there were a lot of first hand accounts of what they are thinking and feeling when they get like this. Also, mine gave me some insight himself. I don't know if this will help you or not. But here is the text conversation I had with my commitment phobe BEFORE he ran the first time:

him: Can I be honest on a level I don't normally share?
me: Yes
him: You scare me a lot
me: Why
him: Because it is very very clear to me that I could bond with you on an emotional level that I have never experienced before
me: And you don't want that?
him: I've wanted that for all my life... I don't want that for the wrong reasons
me: What are the wrong reasons?
him: I don't want to see you as someone that I must take care of even though yes that is part of a relationship I understand that [this is covered in the book]
me: Why would you have to take care of me when I'm oviously very independent and have been taking care of myself (and others) since I was a kid?
him:That's it... I want to not look at you like that [this is where he lost me]
me: I've been single for 9 yrs (unless you count the stalker, then 7 yrs)
him: We started out with a project to help you lol [because we met with him helping me with my house]
me: I don't understand. I'm perfectly capable of fixing my house by myself. Been doing it for 6 yrs.
him: I am completely aware that you are and maybe it will be easier to explain tomorrow. I've never even remotely been with an independent women. [he's always had needy women that he had to financially support, which put him in a position of power even though he ended up resenting it. I am out of his comfort zone because of my independence]

The folowing day he told me we had moved too fast, we skipped out on some of the best parts of a relationship, the dating and such, that he didn't want to "jump back in bed" with me. He wanted to experience the friendship first. He was trying to do the right thing. He was trying to warn me about the struggles and fears going on inside him. I just didn't get it. I had no clue how serious it was for him. Until AFTER he ran and I talked to my psychologist and then started reading about commitment phobes and it all explained everything perfectly.

I don't know if this will help you or hurt you. I'm just trying to help you figure out some of the questions you are seeking answers to.

If he's a narccissist, then maybe he is just an asshole and doesn't care. Maybe that's what you need to know to move on. I don't know. I've been there too. I was with a narcissist and the behavior was remarkably similar which is what freaked me out so much when this guy did this, which is why I ran to my psychologist screaming that this has happened to me AGAIN! And it was then that he pointed out that he didn't believe this one had a personality disorder and was just a commitment phobe. For me, that information and the knowledge of what that meant helped me deal with this a lot better than if he was another narcissist or sociopath.

I can say that with the narcissists and sociopaths, they were not good in bed because it was 100% about them. They were not genuine and sincere, it was fake. At the time I probably believed it, because I wanted to, but afterward when I really looked at the way they talked to me and treated me during the relationship, it was so obviously fake. They lied constantly. They cheated. They had no self control when it came to sex. They wanted what they wanted and didn't give a crap about me. With the recent commitment phobe, none of that was true. He was EXTREMELY giving, comforting, sincere, caring, always asking if I was ok, always noticing if I got scared and stopping and comforting me, he clearly had empathy (what a sociopath or narcissist does not have), he was very genuine when he was present. It's only when he checks out, when he runs, that he gets cold and distant.

In short, there is some overlap in the behavior of a narcissist/sociopath and a commitment phobe, but there are some tell tell signs that are VERY different, and that a narcissist or sociopath would not be capable of (by the way, I run the Victims of Psychopaths group and have spent 6 yrs studying psychopathy, I have a whole post there about the differences between a commitment phobe and a psychopath).

I think my commitment phobe had a little more insight and self awareness into his issues than yours had. He may not know why he's running. They usually create reasons in their head to justify it (like telling you you're too clingy or whatever). They DO feel guilt (which a narcissist or sociopath wouldn't). Those excuses they're coming up with are to absolve themselves of the resounding guilt they're feeling for doing this.

Anyway, based on what you've said, my belief (and obviously I don't know the guy so this is just my opinion) is that he sounds more like a CP than a narcissist (although he may have some narcissistic qualities, but not be a full blown narcissist -as in the personality disorder). I don't know if that makes you feel better or worse. I know it's incredibly painful right now. His behavior is absolutely shitty. And I'm not at all saying that if his behavior is rooted in fear then it's ok to treat someone this way, it's absolutely not. He's an adult and should have been dealing with his issues and gotten them under control a long time ago. Or at least warned you what you were getting into (some do warn their partners, it just dpeends on their level of awareness).

Anyway, I hope something I said can bring some kind of peace. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm right there with you. I cry every day. I'm losing weight like you wouldn't believe (but saving money on groceries). I have strong moments and I have very weak moments where I want to contact him. I have deleted him from my phone and honestly have no clue how I'd respond if he comes around again. I know I can't give him another chance unless he's truly serious about dealing with his issues and takes some major steps in that direction.

missmom, what is the painful belief behind that thought he adored me one minute and in the next he stopped??

is the belief that he didn't love you?? or that you are ultimately unloveable??

dig deep for that painful belief that your story is based on....it has more to do with what you are telling yourself than what he did or didn't do...

I just can't wrap my brain around how he just stopped loving me. How one day he was moon and stars over me and literally the next - a virtual stranger. It is so damn painful.
I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that I will never see him again.

people who like to talk about narcissists will tell you that is CLASSIC N behavior. however i would suggest that the painful thought is that you fell for someone like that. you fell for his game.???? would that fit for you??

in other words, think about what you are making what you just said mean??

lol. HUH!?