I was reading a post this morning and someone asked the question whether they had to be alone to recover. For the life of me I can't find that post again! But I'm gonna post my answer anyway because I thought it was a good question:

To answer your question, no I donât think you have to be completely alone to heal, IF you are in a healthy relationship. There is a book that I recommend to you called âSolemate: Mastering the Art of Alonenessâ by Lauren Mackler. It shows you how to find yourself in or out of a relationship.

However, that being said, I completely and wholeheartedly encourage anyone who is on their own to stay that way for a while and do some work on themselves. In my own experience there is nothing that brings you back to reality than being stuck with you. There are no distractions to take you away from your own issues. You have to deal with you. Many of us get in relationships because it masks our own issues. If we are busy dealing with all the drama of these relationships there is absolutely no time or energy to look within to get to the root of our patterns. In fact one of the reasons we get into these relationships is to take us away from our own anxieties, traumas or fears. We think a relationship will automatically fix things for us â like magic.

These relationships are like an addiction to us. Letâs compare it to say a food addiction. When you are strong and have gone through many steps to overcome your addiction you have the ability to resist but when you are just starting out you are still very weak. So, say at the beginning of your recovery there was a great big slab of black forest cake sitting on your kitchen table staring at you begging you âeat me, eat me, eat meâ and you had to walk past it three times a day every day, wouldnât that be hard? Wouldnât you be tempted? Wouldnât you eventually give in and gobble the whole thing down and then go to the store and buy more and the next thing you know youâve forgotten everything you have learned and you are beating yourself up with shame and guilt and thinking you will never be able to change? Well a relationship for us is like that cake. The tendency to revert to old habits and patterns is irresistible, especially if that man is right in our face. But if we took that cake away, you would be angry and sad and disappointed but eventually wouldnât you sigh in relief and look around the kitchen for something healthy to eat?

You certainly do NOT have to be alone forever but focusing on yourself is much easier when you donât have other distractions to throw you off track. You can answer the questions of âAm I a narc?â or âWhat makes me uncomfortable about being with a man who cares for me?â and several others that you will come up with BEFORE you are caught in the sticky web of a relationship you are not yet ready to handle. You will get strong and you will heal and then when you are ready to get into a relationship there is a much greater chance that it will be a healthy one. One of our habits is to help everyone else. I think you will find if you put that focus on yourself and grant yourself the time you need great things will happen and it will be time very well spent:)