Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I started off the day on a bad foot so I'm trying to get my mind in a better place. I started thinking of things that I've done over the last few years and what they meant to me. My reasoning if you will. And how it affected him.
Here's a few examples:
I literally left him and his kids in our house in another state. My reasoning behind leaving? His daughter needs counseling, he refused to see it. His mother getting into our business and causing problems. The kids needing chores and responsibilities (13, 10, 8 yrs old). Me needing help with fixing the house. I couldn't financially and physically be the only one responsible for fixing our house. I found a journal of my daughter's in which she had many entries about how down she felt. That she didn't think anyone really listened to her because he would ignore her when she went to him about problems. He would call her a snitch and make her feel bad because she thought she was doing the right thing. And when she did do the right thing about bringing him a problem he could care less. I also had a problem with how much he drank and how long he'd play his computer games. Now for him tho I was a bitch. I left him and his kids in a tight spot. I didn't care about him or what was to happen to him. He flat out told me that I intentionally doing what I was doing just to cause him pain. The only thing he would own up to was the drinking and gaming. The rest of the things were my problem and not his. He didn't try to even see it from my point of view even tho I lived there with him for 7 years. I put my foot down because I knew that if something didn't change it's only going to get worse.
When we first got together I was separated from my ex husband. I had to file for divorce and take care of that fun stuff and I paid for it myself. It was my own responsibility. After we got together he was having to deal with court stuff for his kids and was paying for it but I had to help out more around the house with bills because his money was going to that which was alright by me but in hindsight maybe I should have made things more 50/50. There are two visitation orders for 3 kids. 2 on one and the 3rd has supervised visitation. Now the 3rd was done after the other 2 and since their mom is mentally unstable I talked to him about going back to court to get the same visitation on all 3. He agreed it needed to be done but unless I was willing to help pay what he thought was going to be 2500 or so to do it he wasn't even considering it. That's how it was with him most of the time. Things needed to be done and I was there to pay for it. So the conversation was pretty much dropped. I bought it up a while or so back because i found out he may be able to do it for $300 if it's not contested. Still he said no, not unless I paid for it and then preceded to tell me how I was such a hard ass and stingy with my money because I wasn't helping him take care of things. That yeah he believes his kids would be better off if they had supervised visits with their mom but I'm the bitch because I wouldn't help him a few years ago and now I'm pushing for him to do something about it. Said I was being unreasonable.
He would "get on" the kids in ways that I thought would hurt their self esteem. Pretty much verbal abuse and when I would say something to him about it he would say he 's just toughening them up. That I was too soft on them. Example. My son who was like 3-4 at the time was afraid of heights. The ExN would stand him up on the washer or dryer and make him jump to him. Even if my son didn't want to. Now I know my son probably does't remember it but the ExN would make comments about not being a wimp, you have to do it to overcome your fear, yada, yada. This type of stuff worried me because when they got old enough to really understand it they would really be affected it by it. Again all he could say was that he was toughening them up. Helping them in his own sick and twisted way.
So I guess my rambling is me trying to believe I did and felt the right things and him being wrong at some level. Justification in some way that what happened and my reply was okay. I know that if he is an N that his reasoning behind things are just out the window anyways because its' always going to be about him and what he wants or how he sees things.
Here's a few examples:
I literally left him and his kids in our house in another state. My reasoning behind leaving? His daughter needs counseling, he refused to see it. His mother getting into our business and causing problems. The kids needing chores and responsibilities (13, 10, 8 yrs old). Me needing help with fixing the house. I couldn't financially and physically be the only one responsible for fixing our house. I found a journal of my daughter's in which she had many entries about how down she felt. That she didn't think anyone really listened to her because he would ignore her when she went to him about problems. He would call her a snitch and make her feel bad because she thought she was doing the right thing. And when she did do the right thing about bringing him a problem he could care less. I also had a problem with how much he drank and how long he'd play his computer games. Now for him tho I was a bitch. I left him and his kids in a tight spot. I didn't care about him or what was to happen to him. He flat out told me that I intentionally doing what I was doing just to cause him pain. The only thing he would own up to was the drinking and gaming. The rest of the things were my problem and not his. He didn't try to even see it from my point of view even tho I lived there with him for 7 years. I put my foot down because I knew that if something didn't change it's only going to get worse.
When we first got together I was separated from my ex husband. I had to file for divorce and take care of that fun stuff and I paid for it myself. It was my own responsibility. After we got together he was having to deal with court stuff for his kids and was paying for it but I had to help out more around the house with bills because his money was going to that which was alright by me but in hindsight maybe I should have made things more 50/50. There are two visitation orders for 3 kids. 2 on one and the 3rd has supervised visitation. Now the 3rd was done after the other 2 and since their mom is mentally unstable I talked to him about going back to court to get the same visitation on all 3. He agreed it needed to be done but unless I was willing to help pay what he thought was going to be 2500 or so to do it he wasn't even considering it. That's how it was with him most of the time. Things needed to be done and I was there to pay for it. So the conversation was pretty much dropped. I bought it up a while or so back because i found out he may be able to do it for $300 if it's not contested. Still he said no, not unless I paid for it and then preceded to tell me how I was such a hard ass and stingy with my money because I wasn't helping him take care of things. That yeah he believes his kids would be better off if they had supervised visits with their mom but I'm the bitch because I wouldn't help him a few years ago and now I'm pushing for him to do something about it. Said I was being unreasonable.
He would "get on" the kids in ways that I thought would hurt their self esteem. Pretty much verbal abuse and when I would say something to him about it he would say he 's just toughening them up. That I was too soft on them. Example. My son who was like 3-4 at the time was afraid of heights. The ExN would stand him up on the washer or dryer and make him jump to him. Even if my son didn't want to. Now I know my son probably does't remember it but the ExN would make comments about not being a wimp, you have to do it to overcome your fear, yada, yada. This type of stuff worried me because when they got old enough to really understand it they would really be affected it by it. Again all he could say was that he was toughening them up. Helping them in his own sick and twisted way.
So I guess my rambling is me trying to believe I did and felt the right things and him being wrong at some level. Justification in some way that what happened and my reply was okay. I know that if he is an N that his reasoning behind things are just out the window anyways because its' always going to be about him and what he wants or how he sees things.
However, this account is very troubling because of so many small children involved who are still vulnerable. While you work on your own recovery, what is the quality of care and attention you can get to them? I think the primary goal in a position like this would be for you to financially stand on your own feet and have a steady income that can consider making any positive changes for yourself and others at a later date. How are you doing? have you got your feelings under control and can you make ends meet without too much of a problem? do keep coming back with regular posts and stay focused on becoming strong, self-reliant and happy. You are out of the mess you were in and moving forward and on is the only way now. Love and hugs
As for the kids. He has 3 and I am sure he still treats them the same way. He ended up starting school last year and instead of gaming and drinking I hear that he's studying all the time and doesn't give the kids the attention they need or deserve. Still traded out the gaming and drinking so much. I hear he still drinks too but I don't know the quantity. Me, I'm in a wonderful position where I can easily go to school (hoping too in fall but not sure what for yet) and take care of my two kids. Which was one of my top priorities over the last 18 months or so, teaching wrong from right and explaining how things were with him were off in some ways. Showing them they can do things even without me helping and that if they need things to come and talk with me. I do side work with a friend when he needs help and have money saved so I don't have much to worry about. As far as my feelings I don't know. I've been to the one domestic violence meeting and another in a week. I KNOW the ExN is an a--hole and not really responsible. I feel like I didn't bend over backwards enough even tho I know I did. Always more I could have done to make things work. After trying to make this 9 year relationship work it just seems like there's a void. I lost myself in the relationship trying to do things to make it thru the days, months and years. School for example I have no clue what to do. I usually do too much research so like I've looked into 3 fields of interest. Massage therapy, Radiology and Sonography. But I've done so much research on all three that I've kind of hit a road block because I want to pick on that I will be happy with. I am leaning towards doing the massage therapy and then if I don't like it after a few years I can always change to something else. I realize that I over think or over analyze somethings. It's weird because some of my friends don't understand why I stuck it out so long or put up with so much over the years in the relationship and think it's easy to flip a switch and move on. Hard to describe to them on how it's kind of like a drug and being addicted to it and now trying to pull myself from the situation. I wish things came to me easier and was "in my face" this is what you need to do or how to do it.