Boy Drac....this one hits it on the head for me. Especially feeling validated. It seems as though I am always looking to be validated by someone, especially my husband. Why can't I just validate myself?

Hugs Julie

This was a big one for me to, I didnt even know i had this problem. and i had to keep searching for "his" approval. it wasnt till the last bad relationship that i realized something was wrong with me.

i have some queries relating the topic you raised..i am the only chlid and parents are protective...over protective...
mom ..i think is quite strict..and disciplined..i feel this is really hampering me..i mean i never get a chance for a heart to heart talk..i feel kind of jealous when i see the kind of bond my friends have with their mom..and sad too..
she has done a lot for me.and sacrificed a lot to bring me up..but some how am unable to give up this grudge...
this has left me looking for understanding and acceptance elsewhere
..does this also count as a "dysfunctional home where your emotional needs were not met"?..am not sure..
i get very bitter at times ...and at those times i really hate her...(the behaviour)..i feel like doing the exact opposite of what she says...it seems as if she wants to forcibly mould me into something...and i just want to be myself..just me...surely that's not wrong?...ummm..not really sure how to handle it...frustrated... :(

I don't think my parents deliberately ignored me. i come from a very large family. my dad worked all of the time and my mom was clinically deprressed most of the time. They did the best they could but it would have been nice to have felt loved.

I am the oldest in my family. I have one sister 2 yrs younger. I am also the oldest of the children in my extended family (cousins). My dad has always been an alcoholic. I'm sure my mom is codependent b/c she's always taken care of him and put up w/ his constant abuse. He abused me as well but not my sister. Neither parent showed either of us any love or affection. We never talked about feelings or caring, no physical affection or anything. I don't feel comfortable hugging my parents now when they try while visiting or whatever (they live 1000 miles away). I don't talk to them much. In fact, I don't really feel comfortable w/ ANYONE touching me. I hug my grandma and my dog. I am, however, VERY affectionate in a relationship. But if a friend that I'm not very close to wants to hug or anything, it makes me very uncomfortable.

There was no physical affection shown by either parent, especially after puberty. Up to puberty, I got hugs and lap sitting from a grandmother but then I became too big. My mother hugged me once at age 13 and then did not touch me again for FIVE YEARS. I didn't realize how abnormal this was. As an adult, I can't watch Lifetime TV for Women because it shows mother/daughter bonding. It shows hugging,kissing,even daughters resting their head on the mother's lap. It is too painful to watch. Then my mother wondered why I became sexually promiscuous! Once I told her, "I get more warmth from a one-night stand than I got from you in my whole life." Of course she was upset. But it was TRUE.

One I missed ,

k

Wow...this is me in relationship to my father who was gone a lot and divorced my mom when I was 7. She loved too much, too, so I wonder if I picked up even more from her? She was there for affection...read to me, cuddled. I was also daddy's girl. He got jobs overseas during the Vietnam War., got a mistress. My mom wouldn't move us over to Thailand and I don't blame her. He had a mental breakdown, it was called. He married his mistress. My brother acted out a lot. With no man in the house, there wasn't enough supervision...mom was busy with her grief and a baby. My brother and our neighbor boys would ask me to touch their penises and "model" for them by taking off my clothes. That was one way to get attention. Mom, having been left behind with three kids, quickly remarried my dad's brother, of all things. Confusing for sure.She focused her attention on her new husband and the cuddling we shared ended. By then I was leary of sitting on any man's lap because it gave me the creeps. He raised us, but affection/ encouragement were given at arms length because he is socially retarded. Along with the positive was a LOT of negative criticism. He still believes he was trying to be helpful. I was searching for the father that abandoned me. Gosh...I am going to stop here...

Wow Justspiffy sorry to hear that. My upbringing was ok I guess... had a great Mum - who was in an on/off relationship with my Dad - she was a WWL2M - can remember her crying by the phone... When I was 11 they started living together, she died 2 years later, and myself and 2 brothers were left with a man who didn't have a clue what he was doing and was a functioning alcoholic, emotionally cruel, and physically abusive - very hard/sad times, nothing I did was right, and conditions changed everyday, even cooking the wrong kind of potato would have him throwing the plate at the wall...
I thought that I had dealed with the demons from my past in my early 20's, I have never been with a man who hit me, but do keep picking these emotionally unavailable men - as thats what I most feel comfortable with !
The subconscious is a powerful thing isn't it!
But I'm so glad I found Robin Norwoods book, it has been a lifesaver.
JustSpiffy - has the book arrived yet? lol, you going to love it x

adult child of a alcoholic. fits me to a t.

Youngest in a family of 6 children...dad is a narcissist and my mom is a people pleaser. Everything he wanted, she did. Could not talk to him when he got home, brought him the newspaper, took off his shoes, turned the tv on to his favorite show..MASH and just waited for some acknowledgment from him. The only acknowledgment I got from my dad, was if my mom was angry at us and we needed punishment/discipline we had to wait till our father got home to receive our punishment. I could not talk during dinner, could not ask why, could not be angry and voice opinions...if I did, I was sent to my room.

I have struggled all my adult life with how to relate to authority figures at work. I have a hard time speaking up when I wanted to, or voicing my opinion when I needed to. It has become easier at work because I finally feel like I add value in my job. That people appreciate me and the job I do and that I do a great job! That was key.

Wanted to bump this to the front...

AgentSmith, you posted about no one touching you....

For some reason, that just occurred to me, again. It's been something that's popped into my brain a time or two, the notice that people just don't touch me unless it's in a relationship. Almost as if I have a giant bubble around me that makes people NOT touch me.

I crave touch! DESPERATELY. There is nothing more soothing to me that to have this man play with my hair while we're watching a movie, with my head on his lap (nothing sexual). There is nothing more soothing to me than to have this man kiss me on the forehead. There is nothing more soothing to me than to have this man put his warm hand on my leg, just above the knee and rest it there. Just touching.

Touch, what is that all about? I know I was sexually molested twice when I was a kid, by two separate uncles-by-marriage. One I don't even remember because I was so young, what I do remember is vague, bits and pieces, and the fact that I absolutely abhor any music by the band Rush. The other I remember vividly, and felt ashamed because obviously my body responded to it. I can understand the physical response, what I still can't wrap my head around is why I am so ashamed of that fact. I'm working on that, though. I'm beginning to see that God intended us to be sexual creatures, in healthy boundaries and healthy situations (marriage). He does not intend for our sexuality to be abused, or taken from us, or destroyed, or manipulated, or used to gain anything. Our sexuality is a GIFT.

Anyways, I'm not sure where I went with that. But, that's where I went, and there it is. Acceptance. (gah.)

this rang true for me when i read the book.. Dad was always watching TV, didn't really interact with us much. His attention would be so focussed on the TV that when we spoke to him, we'd have to call his name five, six times before he heard us. That hurt as a child. Also made me angry. It was hard to respect that. And when he did interact with us, he was hypercritical, expecting perfection. That's made me really afraid of disapproval, esp from ppl that seem judgemental. Lots of shouting, no hitting thankfully, but sometimes he'd push me and i'd fall. Don't know if he intended that. But it does seem as though he didn't like being that way with us (the anger) and that's maybe partly why he isolated himself with the TV. There were no shows of affections, no praise, encouragement. He has no friends, and since retirement a few months ago has no contact with anyone outside of our nuclear family (mum, dad, bro, me). It used to hurt me so much to know this, i felt so sorry for him, it would just break my heart and i'd weep. Not weeping now. maybe i've buried the pain somewhere and it'll find me one day, or maybe i've acknowledged that he made his choices. Mum is smothering and over protective and controlling. Also no praise or encouragement ever, only criticism. Also no friends, very untrusting of the outside world (i wasn't permitted to have friends till aged 16. Then i just went and got them anyway, thank God). Also no physical affection after i was a small child. i don't remember a time when she hugged me, but i guess she must have, cos it's in the photo album (wry Lol). I'm sorry i've typed so much, but i needed a place to say it all. I've never said it to anyone, i'm nearly 30. I related so much to WWLTM it's incredible. i had no idea there were other ppl like me, that i wasn't just some sad freak by myself. i love you all just cos you're there (selfish love :) ). Again sorry for long post.

Balmy,

I want to say something, and it may sound critical, but please know it is intended with the utmost love.

STOP APOLOGIZING.

We accept you here. We want YOU to accept you, here.

If this space is what you need to vent, to cry, to scream, to write a thousand page letter, by all means.
DO SO.

You have permission! You are GOOD. We LIKE TO HEAR YOUR STORY!!!!!

Much love, lady, and welcome to the healing path!!!!!!!!!!