I love how off track and then back on track this post has gotten. Its pretty cool.

Tokyo, your last comment was painful to read but I am glad that you shared it with us. It reminded me of the saying when it rains it pours. Now that you have insight into why you are afraid of "making noise" how will things change for you?

To piggy back off of Tokyo for a moment: I remember when I was a teenager and youth my parents argued all the time. Truth is my father terrorized us and my mother sat there silently and suffered until he ran out of steam. Once he was done he would storm off and leave the house. Then my mother would come in the room and say all the things to me that she could not say to him. It is common knowledge now that parents should not put their kids in the middle of their dispute but it wasn't then.-I wonder how many parents do that now with the wide spread knowledge of how damaging it is to children.

Anyway, my father would do the same thing. He would talk about my mom to us in front of her she chose to do hers behind his back. It always left me feeling unresolved. They presented me with a problem and I would make suggestions like why don't you leave him, or why don't you talk back. My mother would say she cant do it and if I asked my father why don't you just ask for what you need-he would say I have asked a thousand times. It is hard on a child to be presented with a problem that is threatening her family-then feel responsible for it with no possible way of solving it. What my parents were arguing about was surface stuff they didn't ever talk about the true issues. So, I really thought that my father was upset because he food was not prepared right and I really thought that if my dad didn't yell at my mom she would be happier and better to me. After my father died my mom was still miserable, still sad and I was as adult still attempting to resolve an issue I could not.

Now as an adult I struggle with feeling like everything is a problem and I am powerless to solve any of it. I learned that I was powerless as a child and still struggle with feelings of low confidence and powerlessness today. Its funny but this post just answered a prayer for me. I was praying recently asking God to show me why I am having such a difficult time with making a decision about what I want to do with my life. Now, I understand it so the next step is to release it so that I can move forward. As a child I was powerless to change my environment but now I am not. And although my parents were to stuck in their own pain to see my potential, talents, and worth I must stop recreating that pattern within myself now. Also I need to be more mindful of myself with my son and not get lost in my recovery so much so that I am not paying attention to his needs, his talents, his potential.

Tokyo, when I read your post I thought of a practice that I do which might be helpful or maybe not. But what I like to do is to go back into a painful memory and insert me as I am now into it. Whenever I think about my childhood I am instantly drawn into a memory of me sitting on my bed alone with the door closed eating reading or watching tv. I was sad and I felt alone and in pain. Now, I go into the memory and I open the door sit down on the bed and talk to myself. I validate my experience and my feelings I hug me and kiss me on the check. I tell the younger version of me to lay her head in my lap and I stroke her hair and whisper in her ear that I love her and that I am so sorry that she had to endure this moment. A funny thing happens when I do that...later on when I have the memory again it will include me, the me of now. It is almost like I insert myself into my past and my brain thinks I was really there.

I guess I need to do that tonight...I need to go back to one of those moments when things were given to me that were unresolved and resolve it.

One more thing-when I was with my ex he could be very verbally abusive to his kids. I would tell him that he was placing them in a difficult situation. The kids were angry and hurt but could not protect themselves. I used to tell him that you cannot put your kids into a situation where they are left with emotions they cannot resolve. Typically, as adults we can resolve a painful emotions were are not restricted and can protect ourselves. If you offend me I can say it and I can cut you off kids cant do that. I didn't realize at the time that I was relating to his children on a much deeper level then I thought. I was really seeing myself in them and didn't recognize it. Now I do.

Great discussion. Food for the soul.

I was so moved at that idea of an adult-me going and comforting the child-me, that I had to go away and cry. Now I have to go away and think about it. Nite ladies. x

I love that too. I am going to try that.
Thanks girls!
This is turning into something amazing.

xxx

Talking about powerlessness, I got this in my email today. I subscribe to Melanie Tonia Evans blog.
Thought I would share.:

When we have been abused by a narcissistic / sociopath we absolutely know what it is like to feel stripped bare and powerless.

Really, it would be fair to say, having experienced this level of abuse takes us into the darkest deepest depths of powerlessness.

Recovery, at first, is about healing and breaking free from the feelings of extreme anxiety and depression - which are in effect symptoms of extreme powerlessness.

Additionally, there are also often feelings of being trapped and having no way out. At first this is the feeling within the relationship, and then these feelings commonly continue even after the relationship has ended.

During our time of extreme powerlessness, we often aren't confronted with digging deep enough to really understand the beliefs that have made us 'small' and tending towards powerlessness.

Like many people, I used to struggle with the words 'Personal Power'. Firstly, being a woman didn't help. The concept of 'personal power' seemed somehow wrong. It felt too masculine, and certainly not feminine or submissive enough.

Like many of us (men as well as women), I had been more used to giving my power away to try to keep the peace and be safe - and of course to try to source love. This was extremely unsuccessful.

I know for many of us, all sorts of feelings and belief systems can make us cringe away from claiming and being in our own True Power.

Yet, being radiant, alive, healthy and in love with Life, self and others - the claiming and being in our personal power - is the TOTAL goal.

In this article I am going to investigate the beliefs that have limited us for from claiming our True Power, and why they have been so damaging, and how you can release these limiting beliefs in order to step into your personal power, true growth and potential.

" Yet, being radiant, alive, healthy and in love with Life, self and others - the claiming and being in our personal power - is the TOTAL goal."

YESSSS! I would call this the utmost freedom. The radiant you. Giving from a place of strength.

Sunny ...what did the article suggests for releasing these beliefs

the link was to a radio show so I haven't listened to it yet….I will though and let you know!
Her website is :
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com

you want the empowered love radio bit.

i'm claiming some of that personal power right now. i loved someone deeply and it didn't work out. but i had the courage to love and to be real about my feelings and tell them (instead of trying to hide them). so, yay, me -- this is a huge step forward. i told someone i loved them! wow! and so that means i can do it again. (though hopefully next time i will pick someone better equipped to be real about their own feelings... ;)

Hello...well I got myself to read a bit today again and these quotes stood out:

*It (loving too much) means, in truth, obsessing about a man and calling that obsession love, allowing it to control your emotions and much of your behavior, realizing that it negatively influences your health and well being, and yet finding yourself unable to let go.

*We all have strong emotional reactions to words like alcoholism, incest, violence, and addiction, and sometimes we cannot look at our own lives realistically because we are so afraid of having these labels apply to us or to those we love."

*...what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems.

*A dysfunctional family is one in which members play rigid roles and in which communication is severely restricted to statements that fit these roles.

*In dysfunctional families major aspects of reality are denied, and roles remain rigid.

*...we learn not to believe in our own perceptions or feelings....And this severely impairs the development of our basic tools for living life and for relating to people or situations. It is this basic impairment which operates in women who love too much. We become unable to discern when someone or something is not good for us.

*************************************************************************************************************************
Not being able to discuss root problems really hits home, especially in my family but also with the men I've selected. There are always consequences for bringing it up. I still try to, but it just seems to mean fighting with people.

I struggle with discussing relationship issues also , I am never sure if it my inability to admit the problems and own some of the blame ( surely not! as I'm the one wanting to fix it?!) but it always seems to cause a riot and I do have a fear of confrontation also to deal with. I try and discuss things openly and with honesty but in the past I have den met with indifference by my family and/or my men too.

and sometimes its easier to not try and fix it….

This is the link to the 7 steps to reclaim your personal power…
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-7-steps-to-your-personal-power/

I have re-copied the conclusion part, its quite a long article but worth a read - this is the conclusion:

The Shifting Of Powerless Beliefs Into Personal Power

In order to change our emotions and behaviours we need to shift our internal beliefs.

By doing so, our new more empowered healthier state of being will simply be an expression of who we have now become.

For those of you on the NARP Program you can use the Goal Setting Module, and set up the following goals to reverse the faulty powerless beliefs limiting you from claiming your True Power.

This is so much more than just speaking affirmations, which take a great deal of repeated effort and time to trickle down into your subconscious in order to produce change. Body shifts are another level entirely because they are a much more powerful and direct application.

To recap, the following are beliefs you may want to release all resistance on, in order to claim your True Power:



#1 Who Do You Think You Are?

True Power Goal: “I align with and claim my personal power. This is my divine right and is fully supported and adored by all of existence.”



#2 People In Their Personal Power Are Targeted By Others

True Power Goal: “By showing up as my glowing True Self, I speak up, I embody and expand love, integrity and truth and my bright light dissolves all darkness.”



#3 My Ego Won’t Accept Self-worth

True Power Goal: “It is the ultimate truth of love, humility and humanity to accept myself unconditionally as the divine part of God / Source / Life that I am.”



#4 Life Is Never Going To Work Out For Me

True Power Goal: “My heart is free and expanded. I have the space within to deliciously dream and generate unlimited joy and miracles.”



#5 I’m Not Good Enough To Make My Life Happen

True Power Goal: “As a divine expression of God / Source / Life I am enough. I am infinitely connected in unlimited ways to all of the expansion and resources of Life.”



#6 My Worth Relies On Self-Sacrifice

True Power Goal: “I claim the divinity and full permission to fill myself up first. By doing so I have an abundance to grant Life and others healthily.”



#7 My Worth Depends On More Doing Instead Of Being

True Power Goal: “I connect to the power inside me. By making my changes within, I unfold myself into Life in spectacular and inspired ways.”



I hope this article has helped you recognise where your blocks may be in regard to claiming your True Power.

My last article series was all about breaking the generational cycles of powerlessness and the abuse / abused family patterns for ourselves, our children and our world.

Sunny thanks for posting that. In one way or another I have limiting beliefs about what it will mean to be fully empowered. Its funny but when I worked with victims of domestic violence our entire program was built on empowering women. I should have been a participant rather than a facilitator. You cant give people what you don't have. Most of the time when women came to me unsure of what their next step should be I was unsure as well.

Diana, when I read the chapter those quotes did not resonate with me but when I read your post I felt like someone whispered a truth in my ear. Thanks for pointing that one out. I think Norwood only gave us half of the problem though. Not only are we not able to discuss root problems in dysfunctional families we are ill-equipped to resolve them as well. I was the one in the family who wanted to talk about problems but was unable to actually resolve anything.
Root problems in my family were my mothers' mental illness, her depression, and her being emotionally unavailable to adequately take care of her children. She could care for us physically but she had no workable framework to take care of us as we aged and matured. She was either treating me like I was a small child or relating to me as if I was an adult. My father was an alcoholic -functioning or at least able to work daily. After a health scare he stopped drinking but by then the whole family was affected. He was unable to deal with strong emotions and would yell, threaten, and abandon us-leave if things became emotionally difficult.
In my last relationship I was willing to talk about my ex's problems but I skated over my own. I didn't talk about my fears or how I felt stuck or how powerless I feel. I think at the time I wasn't even aware of it. Also I didn't want to discuss my health and the fact that I was overweight and still smoked. I was willing to discuss his root problems but not my own. I think in order to really turn things around we have to be willing to discuss all root problems and then take actions to turn things around. My ex was addicted to pain pills and for the life of me I could not allow myself to admit that.
Also I didn't respect him nor did I really trust him but when we argued those things never came up. Avoiding root problems I can see that so clearly now. I guess in my next relationship I will have to be aware of when I am skirting around a truth.

Hi,
I need to re-read the book and will dig it up. Thank you for the push.
"We work very, very hard at trying to appear to be good, because we don't believe that we are." resonates with me. In the recent relationship, I was in a constant struggle to prove I was good...in this case, honest and faithful. I said aloud about 100 times over the past three months (our last kick at the can) "I am a good person. I know I am a good person. I have been good to you." It was a game on his part. He knew I was good, that is why he was with me. He never told me I was not good but the inferences re: my behaviour was often there. I started to believe it, "I am good." My issues in ending the relationship (and staying away) is that I am always want everyone to think I am good. He will always have doubts about me and in the end said things like, "I know what you were looking for. You were picking fights with me to break up. I know you have someone else in your mind already." See? I have something to prove. I am good, see, I didn't pick a fight and no, there is no one. I have to let it go and it's damn hard. Just to know I'm good and let his (and others') opinions go. Let it go.

He cant see u as being good bc then how would he be able to justify his treatment of u. I cant believe u r good and then accuse you of flirting.

I have this creo - last year my Husband was especially keen on this one…' I know you wish you hadn't married me and are just looking for a reason to leave' 'I wonder what you get up to when you go back home without me?'

I try and prove I am good.
I remember marrying my first asshole of a husband as he had dumped me twice and I wanted to prove to people I was worthy!!!