Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
You all have heard me refence Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PHD, Women Who Run with the Wolves. Well I was rereading the vignette of BlueBeard and some of the other vignettes today and wanted to share some amazing similarities to our journey's healing from the exN/P
1. "Some people will not like it if you take a sniff at everything to see what it is. No lying on your back with your feet in the air. Bad girl, bad wolf Go ahead and sniff and find out what it is."
2." A women's psyche may have found its way to the desert out of resonance, or because of past cruelties or because she was not allowed a larger life above ground. So often women a woman feels then that she lives in an empty place where there is maybe just one cactus with one brilliant flower on it, and then in every direction, 500 miles of nothing. But for the woman who will go 501 miles, there is something more. A small brave house. An old one. She as been waiting for you. (A desert is a place where life is very condensed. The roots of living things hold on to the last tear of water and the flower hoards its moisture by only appearing in the early morning and late afternoon. Life in the desert is small but brilliant and most of what occurs goes on underground. This like the lives of many women.) Don't be a fool Go back and stand under that one red flower and walk straight ahead for the last hard mile. Go up and knock on the old weathered door. Climb up to the cave. Crawl through the window of a dream. Sift the desert and see what you find. It is the only work we have to do. "
The Natural Predator of the Psyche
Developing a relationship with the wildish nature is an essential part of a women's individuation. To do this we must go into the dark, but at the same time she must not be irreparably trapped, captured or killed on her way there or her way back.
Ladies, we have all walked into the dark, knowingly and unknowingly. This is part of our need to heal and become who we are as women. Blue Beard is the story of the captor, the predator, like so many of our ExN's here, he is the dark man who inhabits our psyches; the innate predator. In order to protect ourselves from this predator, we must remain in possession of all of our instincts. Predators desire superiority and power over others. They carry a kind of psychological inflation wherein the entity wishes to be loftier than, as big as and equal to The Ineffable. We as women who have been in these men's lives, were like the light that illuminated their true darkness, their desire is to put the light out because it exposes who they really are. This is why their pursuit of extinguishing our light and is so heartless.
Important lesson I have learned and the story of Bluebeard really emphasizes this, "All creatures must learn that there are predators." Without knowing this, a woman will not be able to negotiate safely within her own forrest and will be devoured. Blue Beard is an odd character, charismatic and charming, wealthy and seductive. Ahh but he has a BlueBeard. (red flag). He is adept at sensing who will be his willing prey. He finds a young girl who initially is scared of him but after some pleasure with him (charming ) she begins to trust him. The young girl has three sisters. The sisters have more wisdom and don't like his Blue Beard, but the young girl, lacking the necessary skills to survive in the wild, does not see the Blue Beard as a warning. In a moment, of youthful exuberance, with a combination of folly, pleasure, happiness and sexual intrigue she says yes to his proposal of marriage. Who hear recognizes this scenario? This young girl plays out the scenario of the naive woman. She is temporarily captured. But in the END (HERE IS THE GOOD PART LADIES)...she will be wiser, stronger and will recognize the wily predators. Our instincts to notice and do otherwise were temporarily not in tact. The story of Blue beard continues, he leaves the young wife alone in his magnificent castle and tells her she can entertain her sisters and do whatever she wants. He gives her keys to all the doors but warns her not to use this one key, that she is forbidden to use it. The sisters curiosity and instincts kick in and they run around the castle trying to find the door that this one key will open. Astonished when they find the door, the key startst to bleed red, when opening the door there are carcasses of dead bodies all decapitated of previous wives. So what does this mean.?
First, the young girl was initially afraid, but she fooled herself into trusting. We all can relate to this story. She calls him idosyncratic and eccentric.. rather than trusting her instincts. This error in judgement is routine for us who love too much. Our alarm systems were either turned off her not developed. We are like orphan wolf pups who roll and play without any awareness of the 90lb bobcat lurking in the bushes. Notices I said, orphaned, many of us were not taught these skills..We all have had the experience of the dazzling predator crawling through our psychic windows at night and catching us off guard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They may have a ski mask on a knife in their hand and a sack of money slung over their shoulder, but WE BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY TELL US THEY ARE IN THE BANKING BUSINESS.. Amazing but true..we all have done this.
We are like wolf pups we need to be snarled at and taught to go back into the den until we have the skills to venture out into the world of men. I love this part... "The mother wolf will teach her pups: if its threatening and bigger than you, flee; if it has quills, poison, fangs or razor claws, back up and go in the other direction; if it smells nice but is wrapped around metal jaws, walk on by.".Now what a perfect analogy for all of us here. Let us teach each other to be like the wolf.
Back to the young girl and Blue Beard, we all want to attain Paradise on earth through a man loving us.. Young girls learn usually before 5 years of age, they are taught to not see, and instead to "make pretty". This is why the young girl does not see his beard as grotesque, really not that blue. This early training to be "nice" causes women to overide their intuition..Imagine a wolf mother teaching her pup to be nice to the bobcat who is ready to devour it. The girl married a man with a Blue Beard who was deadly to her,but she played house anyway. Many women, here have lived the BlueBeard lie. They marry or are involved with someone destructive to their lives and yet they remaind determined to "Cure" that person with love. Hence, Women who love too much! Remember this ladies, as long as we are forced into believing we are POWERLESS and not register what we know to be true, the feminine impulses and gifts of our pscyhe will continued to be killed off. Instead of living freely, (like the young girl in Blue Beard) we begin to live falsely. The deceitful promise of the predator is that we will become a queen in some way, while all along he is planning her murder. There is one way out, but one must have the key. The key is instinct and listening and trusting it.
The key, provides entry to the secret all women know and yet do not know. It is permission to know the deepest gut feelings we have. Blue beard instructs his wife into compromising herself psychically, Do whatever you like he gives her a false sense of security. In reality she is not fee, she is constrained by a predator. Does this sound familiar.. we live with a false sense of security believing their charming ways.. when all along all they want to do is destroy us. Bluebeard forbids her to use the one key that would bring her to consciousness!!! To forbid us to use the key to conscious self knowledge strips away her intuitive nature, her natural instinct for curiosity that leads her to discover what is underneath. This is why these men are SOOOOO deceptive...If she choosed not to use the key, she ultimatley chooses death (death of her spirit). So Ladies, if we choose not to listen to our instincts and to become consciously aware, we choose the death of our own spirit. Denying your instincts kills us. The young girl learns that if there is a secret behind this door, then there is a shadow of something, that needs to be looked at. We must strengthen our resolve to be willing to ask the questions (use the key) and open the door, it may not be what you bargained for but it is part of our individuation and our growth into our fullest potential as women. The best part of all... the ability to stand what one sees enables a woman to return to her deep nature, there to be sustained in all thoughts, feelings and actions. We must be able to look at these men as having BLUE BEARDS. We must be able to endure the truth, to return to our true nature and find happiness. If we hide from using the key (of knowledge and awareness ) we hide from the devastion these men have caused us, but the bleeding, the loss of life's energy will continue.So I say stand strong, be willing to admit what you have learned and trust yourselves..to stop the bleeding.This predator has been at work methodically dsestroying our most precious and cherished desires.. Wherever the predator lurks and works, everything is derailed, demolished and decapitated (like the women carcasses of dead women)
Finding out the truth is artery cutting.. seeing the truth causes us to bleed energy if we don't take what we learn and make changes to excommunicate these predators from our lives. As our old lives are dying, we are awakened to the loss of blood and therefore are beginning to live...The predator seeks to sever our connection to our own insights because this threatens his power over us.
We are starved souls filled with pain, we can no longer bear it. We must develop and blossom and not be held in contempt by these predators who molest our feminine existence.
Lastly, the deepest work is usually the darkest,. Do not be afraid to investigate within yourselves. It guarantees us an increase in soul power through fresh insights nd opportunities for re-visioning ones life and self anew. We are breaking generations of misguided teachings by unlocking the door and using the key to awareness and self growth.. Blessings to all..
1. "Some people will not like it if you take a sniff at everything to see what it is. No lying on your back with your feet in the air. Bad girl, bad wolf Go ahead and sniff and find out what it is."
2." A women's psyche may have found its way to the desert out of resonance, or because of past cruelties or because she was not allowed a larger life above ground. So often women a woman feels then that she lives in an empty place where there is maybe just one cactus with one brilliant flower on it, and then in every direction, 500 miles of nothing. But for the woman who will go 501 miles, there is something more. A small brave house. An old one. She as been waiting for you. (A desert is a place where life is very condensed. The roots of living things hold on to the last tear of water and the flower hoards its moisture by only appearing in the early morning and late afternoon. Life in the desert is small but brilliant and most of what occurs goes on underground. This like the lives of many women.) Don't be a fool Go back and stand under that one red flower and walk straight ahead for the last hard mile. Go up and knock on the old weathered door. Climb up to the cave. Crawl through the window of a dream. Sift the desert and see what you find. It is the only work we have to do. "
The Natural Predator of the Psyche
Developing a relationship with the wildish nature is an essential part of a women's individuation. To do this we must go into the dark, but at the same time she must not be irreparably trapped, captured or killed on her way there or her way back.
Ladies, we have all walked into the dark, knowingly and unknowingly. This is part of our need to heal and become who we are as women. Blue Beard is the story of the captor, the predator, like so many of our ExN's here, he is the dark man who inhabits our psyches; the innate predator. In order to protect ourselves from this predator, we must remain in possession of all of our instincts. Predators desire superiority and power over others. They carry a kind of psychological inflation wherein the entity wishes to be loftier than, as big as and equal to The Ineffable. We as women who have been in these men's lives, were like the light that illuminated their true darkness, their desire is to put the light out because it exposes who they really are. This is why their pursuit of extinguishing our light and is so heartless.
Important lesson I have learned and the story of Bluebeard really emphasizes this, "All creatures must learn that there are predators." Without knowing this, a woman will not be able to negotiate safely within her own forrest and will be devoured. Blue Beard is an odd character, charismatic and charming, wealthy and seductive. Ahh but he has a BlueBeard. (red flag). He is adept at sensing who will be his willing prey. He finds a young girl who initially is scared of him but after some pleasure with him (charming ) she begins to trust him. The young girl has three sisters. The sisters have more wisdom and don't like his Blue Beard, but the young girl, lacking the necessary skills to survive in the wild, does not see the Blue Beard as a warning. In a moment, of youthful exuberance, with a combination of folly, pleasure, happiness and sexual intrigue she says yes to his proposal of marriage. Who hear recognizes this scenario? This young girl plays out the scenario of the naive woman. She is temporarily captured. But in the END (HERE IS THE GOOD PART LADIES)...she will be wiser, stronger and will recognize the wily predators. Our instincts to notice and do otherwise were temporarily not in tact. The story of Blue beard continues, he leaves the young wife alone in his magnificent castle and tells her she can entertain her sisters and do whatever she wants. He gives her keys to all the doors but warns her not to use this one key, that she is forbidden to use it. The sisters curiosity and instincts kick in and they run around the castle trying to find the door that this one key will open. Astonished when they find the door, the key startst to bleed red, when opening the door there are carcasses of dead bodies all decapitated of previous wives. So what does this mean.?
First, the young girl was initially afraid, but she fooled herself into trusting. We all can relate to this story. She calls him idosyncratic and eccentric.. rather than trusting her instincts. This error in judgement is routine for us who love too much. Our alarm systems were either turned off her not developed. We are like orphan wolf pups who roll and play without any awareness of the 90lb bobcat lurking in the bushes. Notices I said, orphaned, many of us were not taught these skills..We all have had the experience of the dazzling predator crawling through our psychic windows at night and catching us off guard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They may have a ski mask on a knife in their hand and a sack of money slung over their shoulder, but WE BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY TELL US THEY ARE IN THE BANKING BUSINESS.. Amazing but true..we all have done this.
We are like wolf pups we need to be snarled at and taught to go back into the den until we have the skills to venture out into the world of men. I love this part... "The mother wolf will teach her pups: if its threatening and bigger than you, flee; if it has quills, poison, fangs or razor claws, back up and go in the other direction; if it smells nice but is wrapped around metal jaws, walk on by.".Now what a perfect analogy for all of us here. Let us teach each other to be like the wolf.
Back to the young girl and Blue Beard, we all want to attain Paradise on earth through a man loving us.. Young girls learn usually before 5 years of age, they are taught to not see, and instead to "make pretty". This is why the young girl does not see his beard as grotesque, really not that blue. This early training to be "nice" causes women to overide their intuition..Imagine a wolf mother teaching her pup to be nice to the bobcat who is ready to devour it. The girl married a man with a Blue Beard who was deadly to her,but she played house anyway. Many women, here have lived the BlueBeard lie. They marry or are involved with someone destructive to their lives and yet they remaind determined to "Cure" that person with love. Hence, Women who love too much! Remember this ladies, as long as we are forced into believing we are POWERLESS and not register what we know to be true, the feminine impulses and gifts of our pscyhe will continued to be killed off. Instead of living freely, (like the young girl in Blue Beard) we begin to live falsely. The deceitful promise of the predator is that we will become a queen in some way, while all along he is planning her murder. There is one way out, but one must have the key. The key is instinct and listening and trusting it.
The key, provides entry to the secret all women know and yet do not know. It is permission to know the deepest gut feelings we have. Blue beard instructs his wife into compromising herself psychically, Do whatever you like he gives her a false sense of security. In reality she is not fee, she is constrained by a predator. Does this sound familiar.. we live with a false sense of security believing their charming ways.. when all along all they want to do is destroy us. Bluebeard forbids her to use the one key that would bring her to consciousness!!! To forbid us to use the key to conscious self knowledge strips away her intuitive nature, her natural instinct for curiosity that leads her to discover what is underneath. This is why these men are SOOOOO deceptive...If she choosed not to use the key, she ultimatley chooses death (death of her spirit). So Ladies, if we choose not to listen to our instincts and to become consciously aware, we choose the death of our own spirit. Denying your instincts kills us. The young girl learns that if there is a secret behind this door, then there is a shadow of something, that needs to be looked at. We must strengthen our resolve to be willing to ask the questions (use the key) and open the door, it may not be what you bargained for but it is part of our individuation and our growth into our fullest potential as women. The best part of all... the ability to stand what one sees enables a woman to return to her deep nature, there to be sustained in all thoughts, feelings and actions. We must be able to look at these men as having BLUE BEARDS. We must be able to endure the truth, to return to our true nature and find happiness. If we hide from using the key (of knowledge and awareness ) we hide from the devastion these men have caused us, but the bleeding, the loss of life's energy will continue.So I say stand strong, be willing to admit what you have learned and trust yourselves..to stop the bleeding.This predator has been at work methodically dsestroying our most precious and cherished desires.. Wherever the predator lurks and works, everything is derailed, demolished and decapitated (like the women carcasses of dead women)
Finding out the truth is artery cutting.. seeing the truth causes us to bleed energy if we don't take what we learn and make changes to excommunicate these predators from our lives. As our old lives are dying, we are awakened to the loss of blood and therefore are beginning to live...The predator seeks to sever our connection to our own insights because this threatens his power over us.
We are starved souls filled with pain, we can no longer bear it. We must develop and blossom and not be held in contempt by these predators who molest our feminine existence.
Lastly, the deepest work is usually the darkest,. Do not be afraid to investigate within yourselves. It guarantees us an increase in soul power through fresh insights nd opportunities for re-visioning ones life and self anew. We are breaking generations of misguided teachings by unlocking the door and using the key to awareness and self growth.. Blessings to all..
Those are great sound bites for Hollywood movies but pretty irrational thughts to build a life on. Societal messages can be very difficult to disconnect from.