Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hi ladies, I have suddenly..started doubting myself. Mostly because I am replaying all the things he once said to me. My ex seems to have no remorse because days ago, the day before my birthday, he picked up another woman and totally denies it. Although, I know it is true. He was caught in so many lies about who he was last year. He told me he inherited money, owned a condo a boat etc all of which were not true. He even went as far as taking me to his supposed condo in Arizona (which later I learned he rented to make me think he owned it). He had strange behaviors, always worried about me cheating, possesive, always wanting to be with me. But at the same time he would constantly tell me how much he loved me. He would do things, like bring me food in the middle of the night when my daughter was in hospital. Go grocery shopping for me etc. At the same time, when I caught him in the lies last year, thanks to his mother filling me in, I left him. This all took place in November. Then in December I went back, I was caught up in the nuisances of his soft caress. I pushed back for a month and a half, because he stll didin't admit to the lies. Then when I finally told him his mother told me, he finally owned it. His new reasoning was he had lied in the beginning and didn't know how to get out of it and was embarrased. He wanted nothing more than to make me happy. He started to change..he seemed more understanding. At this point I was secretly seeing him, because my kids didn't want me with him, they saw through him and knew he had lied. He always wanted to see me..telling me he has never loved anyone like me. I still was tentative. We talked about our future and working through it all and that he would do what it takes. Then the day came that I decided I was going to tell my kids I believed in him ( I did, believe he loved me and would never cheat on me) and I truly believed in him. This was last Monday, I had been with him during the day and even was intimate with him. He was so passionate as he always is. He didn't want me to go. He told me he loved me and not to be scared he would never hurt me. Then the blow came. The next day I didn't hear from (which was very unusual) him and after trying to get ahold of him , I became worried and went to his home. His truck was not there, which worried me even more. I rang the doorbell, knocked and walked around back. Upon my utter surprise, I saw a woman's pair of sandals on his living room floor, along with keys and a cell phone. Then there on the counter was his phone. I was devasted...I wasn't sure if he was there...but obviously he had someone there. Then I drove away in total dismay..called again..this time he answered. He tried to tell me he wasn't home ie his vehicle was not at the house..but he just answered his phone. I knew he was in the house.. I turned around immediately went to the back again, now the blind was pulled and there he was picking up the said shoes. I looked right at him. He jumped to the side. I banged on the door. He wouldn't answer...I banged on front door, he wouldn't answer.. I drove away hysterical, knowing he had someone there and all the lies had just surfaced again. How could he is all I could think...literally less than 12 hours ago I was in his bed...he was telling me that night not to worry or to be scared he would never hurt me. He wanted to take me away on my birthday and that was the following day. WOW talk about utter shock...fortunate for me..i had an appointment with my therapist. I was able to see her literally right after this happened. She immediately coined him a socipath. I was like everyone else here, so upset with myself that I took him back. I went back...why...I had let go and moved on. While I was in my therapist session, he called me, prior he wouldn't answer calls, most likely because the woman was still there..he would have to explain that one. He said i just got home...as though I didn't see him in his living room.. wow now he went into overdrive telling me "you sure it was me" so and so friend was at my house last night.. Then he said I didn't see his phone there and didn't see a woman's pair of shoes..I was really out of control. He never wanted to hurt me etc etc...I didn't cheat on you etc. I refused his calls thereafter...but blasted him with hate text messages.. Then the day after all this happened I received and email from his mother, who I hadn't talked to since January.. I was trying to keep her out of our relationship...concerned about her. (By the way..the money he had used to take me for dinner and on trips last year was from his mother. He conned her for the money and lied to her as well). He message was a long message telling me her son never loved any woman like me...and that he lied in the beginning because he didn't think he was of my caliber and he woud do anything to make my family and I happy. I shouldn't let my kids dicatate my happiness. Obviously, she was unaware of his infedility the day before...I felt compelled to write her back and tell her the story.. I have not heard from her since then...I received one call from ex N telling me not to ever involve his mother in our business. So here I am hung out to dry...he hasn't responded to my texts or emails which of course are full of hate.. The last time I broke up with him he was obsesively contacting me, emailing me etc. I guess I should be happy he is leaving me alone. He has moved on. No contact is the rule here..but I think I got it this morning. The reason I am hurting so much now..is the rejection...who the heck cares. Right? I find myself looking at pictures, thinking of all the things he said.. etc.. causing myself such grief. I felt like I can do this..then i received the email from his mom..for some reason it through me into a tailspin. Perhaps, because she told me he loved me..then I reminded myself...even if he did you don't want that kind of love...so here I am in self torture..when I should be rejoicing i am free of this lying cheat...ladies please remind me I was dealilng with a N or P (not sure at this point). Remind me that, no matter how much I want to believe he loved me and that he went through so many gestures to prove otherwise...his most recent gesture was who he really is... I know there are women on this site who lived with someone for many many years and finally broke free.. How does this happen.? My ex didn't really put me down or treat me badly in that way, it was the opposite..He showered me with love, affection and words of admiration. I guess this is why it is so hard for me to fathom. He did lie though, incessantly. He promised to never lie again...of course he did.. and now I am here pulling myself back up again...and in deeper grief than before...Thank you for letting me tell my story..feeling bad today.
From the Article 13 rules by Martha Stout:
Rule 3: When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.
Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says youre dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
The main problem women have after leaving pathological men is obtrusive constant thoughts of the relationship and cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.
The main part of these pathological men is that show up as one thing, but they are something entirely different. This is a disorder of social hiding. This is an individual that is PROFOUNDLY disturbed but looks normal. In a normal relationship you dont have 2 different people to deal with. Here you are breaking up with dark side and the charmer.
What you miss is the charmer. What you broke up with is the dark side (and only true side).
Their disorder is this called the mask of sanity for a reason. They appear normal (better then normal - sweet, charming, handsome) but they are something else all together. These men have known they were different since they were children they are experts at hiding their dark side. If they showed you who they were, you would have gone running into the night screaming.
Here are some examples of what happens in these types of relationships:
You receive both:
bonding and abandonment
loving and loathing
child like vulnerability couple with adult mystique
support and sabotage
fun and then rage
the most wonderful soul mate you could have imagined as well as the sickest relationship you could experience all in one package
calculated and impulsive
idolized and devalued
aloof and super connected
kind and sadistic
capable and helpless
We are ping ponging all over the place.
Relationship Time Cycle
From Women Who Love Psychopaths, by Sandra Brown
While she is having the romance of her life, the psychopath is in various phases of contact and relationship with a multitude of others. Even
if she does not find out about others, it doesnt mean they dont exist.
Sometimes, it years later that women come across the evidence of what he
was really doing.
Given his extraversion, dominance, brain malfunctions, lack of moral
reasoning, and hyper sexuality, most psychopaths dont even know the
true meaning of monogamy. We sarcastically refer to their concept as
serial monogamy, they are monogamous in many relationships at one
time! Since they hate to be alone, bored and cant say no to a perceived
reward of extra, curricular sex, infidelity is imminent even in the beginning
of her relationship with him.
The stages of the relationship time line listed below are multiple stages existing at one time with multiple people. The women in our survey
were just ONE of many that were involved in these stages of relationship
with the psychopath.
The Psychopaths Relationship Circle
Pre
Middle
End
Post
The PreStage: He is trolling. Online, out in the physical world, at work, in the neighborhood, anywhere. He is looking and testing the waters of connection with other women and men. He measures his possibilities by
eye contact, boundary violations, and other cues and clues that hint to him
someone is an open target. He could have many women and men that he is
in this testing phase with;trying out the waters before he moves in to
lure.
The Early Stage: He moves in to make more contact with those he has his eye on. He may have multiple cell phones, multiple email accounts or a dozen other ways that he keeps himself available for contact with other male and female potential sex partners. (Even psychopaths who allege they are not gay may engage in same sex activity.) In the early stage partners are ruled in and out by their levels of availability. He will only troll for so long and will then look for those who are willing to take it to the next level.
The Middle Stage: He is having regular contact and sex with numerous partners which can include another semi full life with these other sexual partners. The woman who is in his life may begin to find unusual behaviors while in their romancing or luring stage. He may be 24/7 with her and then she will not have contact with him for days.
Plausible excuses he gives cover for where he was, but texts, pages, phone calls, emails and other suspicious behaviors from others can begin even as early as the honeymoon phase with her. Thats because he has multiple relationships that he has been in for quite some time probably before her.
The End Stage: He is constantly ending the relationship with someone at some time. The end of the relationship comes for various reasons, some are on to him and confront, others wont give him money or sex any longer, he has enough other relationships going and needs to cut some off. Various reasons can exist why someone gets the relationship axe from the psychopath.
The Post Stage: A time period extending after the formal end of the relationship with her or with others. Those that the psychopath has
broken up with are never off the speed dial and never out of the
Relationship Circle even if he has not contacted them in years! Women in
current relationships who find out about his affairs often feel that if he
says he has stopped fooling around than he has stopped contact with
others. While he may take a hiatus to try to win back one of the womens
loyalty, no one ever really leaves a psychopaths life.
Women have said they have heard from him out of the blue 6 months, 10 years LATER after the break up. He calls as if nothing has happened, says she popped into his mind and he wanted to check on her to tell her how much he always cared for her. Given both his boredom and excitement seeking, women must know that they, nor any other lover, ever really flies off his radar for long.
Conclusion
The relationships circle exemplifies the strategic targeting that psychopaths use of multiple relationships at one time. While woman #1 is basking in the hyper focus of his attention, he is trolling, in the middle of, and ending, multiple other relationships with men and women. His multiple relationships that are beginning, enduring, and ending no doubt play into her relationship dynamics with the psychopath. Of course, woman #1 is high on oxytocin and believes she just met her soulmate.
Gosh,all the stories really makes me feel like there is no Mr. Right anymore in this world. :(
Wow, these words sound like my ex.
"If he had just told me he didn't want to be with me, it would have been different. Yes, it would hurt but not as bad as finding out there were others. Especially after he would tell me how much he wanted to make me happy and how we needed to be open and honest with each other."
Telling me how important it is to be honest and always communicate with one another. Also, telling me all he wanted to do is make me happy. Text me hours before picking up another woman, and telling me how much he loves me and everything will be alright...YES...truly damaged goods..and yes damaging those in their path. We are worthy...You are worthy, I am worthy..everyone of us is worthy of honesty, integrity and true love measured in actions, not just in those sweet words they once whispered in our ear that made us feel so utterly precious...I lift you up and all the others here today to receive strength, wisdom and most of all SELF LOVE...
warm thoughts,
Janeen
With the help of Susy and others on DS I recognised that he is a narcissist and that even though I was in unbearable pain, the best thing was that he was out of my life.
We will recover and learn to look after ourselves and appreciate ourselves again. We will learn the warning signs of PDs and learn from our experience, and we will love again. But they won't. They are not capable of love, and that must be a terrible thing to realise; it's like being hungry all the time, no matter how much you eat. But I won't be feeling sorry for him any time soon. Tough sh*t exN.