O my penseuse. Yup that is me for sure. Reading that article is like holding up a mirror. It's funny too, because this is NOT how the world perceives me. I'm a leader and known for my no-nonsense approach. But on the inside... look out. My love life is a low-self-esteem playground. And on goes the struggle of figuring it out. While I am not currently seeking to date, I know I don't want to be alone forever. I want a successful relationship. Interesting that I noticed last night as I was scrolling through the potentials last night that I was thinking "he's too good for me" or "yes, I'm ok for him". The assessment wasn't who I was attracted to, but rather who I thought I was "good enough" for. Ugh. Every day a new layer of dysfunction I discover. But I carry on. Going to go read this again. Thanks for sharing!!

TheProofer~ really glad you read it and got some insight. Like you, I'm considered a leader and very direct, but in my "love" life.... debacle after debacle. I read this and thought: I get it now. Instead of me acting on the fact of: "Do I like his character and values?" it's more of a feeling of "He likes me so I must maintain this relationship at all costs even if I think he's an asshole." It's not a conscious thing, but I'm starting to be aware of it. Better late than never for us, eh? I used to think: to increase your self-esteem, one must do esteemable things. But I'm seeing it's more than just that... it's really putting your Self first in a very selfish way, and holding strong but healthy boundaries.

I could relate to most of the article. I will re-read it again! I can understand the "Do I like his character and values? but feeling that "he likes me so I must maintain this relationship at all costs, even if I think he's an asshole"!! SO TRUE!! Do I have healthy boundaries?-no! Never learned how and what those are.
I am discovering more and more about myself and how I relate to men and how I treat myself!! I see great changes coming as I learn. I have low self esteem and I am pretty sure my boyfriend does as well. I am seeing some narcissistic tendencies within him. Thanks for sharing this article.

Well we're all in this leaky (but getting better) boat together, gals! ...it's more of a feeling of "He likes me so I must maintain this relationship at all costs even if I think he's an asshole... Again penseuse, I could I written that myself! And while I know it's not OK, can I just say, that for the first time in a long time, I actually don't feel like I'm crazy... someone else struggles with these feelings too! While I wish you didn't, I'm glad I found some ladies who are working to get better from this too. Penseuse, even your explanation offers me new insight that I have to mull over. You too yoga love... I get how you are exploring this with your boyfriend. I remember worrying to my therapist that I had to be alone to figure this all out (if I ever do figure all this out), and she said she believes that our souls need to be with other people in order to learn our life's lessons. We can't do it in solitude. Go gently with yourself. But wisely. I just don't believe there is one right way, except loving ourselves first and most. Which is something I always believed was selfish and wrong. Know I see that it my only way out of this. I've always been waiting for the great love of my life. I see know that it is supposed to be ME!

Hi there ladies. I can relate to TheProofer so much. I have it all together. I am so polished and people see me so differently than I see myself. I rely on the men in my life to help me to feel good about myself, so when we have problems, I lose it. I can't handle it. I have never liked myself. Ever. This is not new, this is such old baggage and I think the reality is that I will always feel this way, at my core and I just need to keep making decisions that ensure that I am respecting myself. I guess, putting on an act and then hopefully it will stick. I also agree that being in a relationship is the place where we can heal and where we do our "work." Well, in both of my past relationships, I broke it off because I was dying inside. With this past one, I really just wanted him to want me and want to heal with me. If this is who I am and my self esteem issues need to be nurtured and worked through, who the hell is going to do that with me? Who cares about me enough to do that? Does this mean I stay alone? I want to be me and that is so hard sometimes because it is so much work for me and the guy I am with. I push them away because I don't have enough self love to deal with situations as a respectful adult, but more of a hurt child. Will anyone be able to relate to me when I go into this response?