Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I talked before about my accountant friend who I reconnected with 6 weeks ago. He and I went out for 3 brief intense weeks in Feb 2013 and it ended when he found the intensity too much and ran...The connection was so strong, the attraction sizzling it took me months of grieving to get over him. This time around we tried to see if we could be friends and then later see if it would develop into something more. We discovered the connection and attraction was as strong as ever, but I held back on intimacy because I was just out of another relationship and I knew if things progressed that far without really getting to know each other, I was likely to get hurt.
I have just started therapy again and decided to talk to my therapist about him. She asked me to list out all his negative qualities and then asked me to imagine if that was who he was and never going to change, could I make the necessary adjustments to fit in with him. She reminded me I had vowed no more "fixing" guys so they would be suitable for dating. I wrote the list out on Friday and knew there was no way he and I could have a successful relationshipe the way he was currently. The issues were mainly around what I saw were his selfishness and passive agressive and controlling behaviour. He went away this past weekend and while we had the space, I thought about it a bit more. I was very tempted to tell him I wouldn't see him anymore after I picked him up from the airport last night, but found I couldn't do it. I wrote him an email which he only read after he got home and we talked on the phone last night.
Completely taking me by surprise, he decided to tell me how I made him feel..What he felt like when I smiled at him, how he felt when we cuddled up on the couch, how I made him feel strong when we talked on the phone and how he was able to listen to me and talk to me in ways he had never done with anyone before. I spent the last 24 hours thinking maybe, just maybe we had hope. I was able to see all these things were about how I made him feel and not really about how he felt about me, but for a man unable to talk about anything heart related, it was a good start.
He came over to visit this evening and straight away I could feel something was off. Sitting on the couch, he wsa leaning his body as far away from me as possible. I teased him asking what he was afraid of. He said he had complete clarity in what he was going to do about us while he was away from me, but as soon as he came anywhere near me, he got confused. Now he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Then he came out and said he wanted to take a two week break and then meet up for dinner to see where we go. I just knew as he said those words, there was simply no point prolonging the agony. So I told him that and he walked away shortly after that.
I am really sad. I wish he hadn't spoken about his feelings last night, that would have made it easier. But I am also glad. A year and a half ago, the same ending brought me lots of grief because I got intimate too soon and lost my heart to him. This time I held back and that makes me feel really good. I am not going to analyse him. He has lots of issues, commitment being the main one. You can't have a relationship with someone who says he wants to, but cannot bring himself to commit to anything. Since his marriage ended, he has had 4 brief relationships. It has also helped me find closure in a way. I know there wasn't anything I could have done last time around to have changed the outcome. The problem wasn't me, it was him....
I have just started therapy again and decided to talk to my therapist about him. She asked me to list out all his negative qualities and then asked me to imagine if that was who he was and never going to change, could I make the necessary adjustments to fit in with him. She reminded me I had vowed no more "fixing" guys so they would be suitable for dating. I wrote the list out on Friday and knew there was no way he and I could have a successful relationshipe the way he was currently. The issues were mainly around what I saw were his selfishness and passive agressive and controlling behaviour. He went away this past weekend and while we had the space, I thought about it a bit more. I was very tempted to tell him I wouldn't see him anymore after I picked him up from the airport last night, but found I couldn't do it. I wrote him an email which he only read after he got home and we talked on the phone last night.
Completely taking me by surprise, he decided to tell me how I made him feel..What he felt like when I smiled at him, how he felt when we cuddled up on the couch, how I made him feel strong when we talked on the phone and how he was able to listen to me and talk to me in ways he had never done with anyone before. I spent the last 24 hours thinking maybe, just maybe we had hope. I was able to see all these things were about how I made him feel and not really about how he felt about me, but for a man unable to talk about anything heart related, it was a good start.
He came over to visit this evening and straight away I could feel something was off. Sitting on the couch, he wsa leaning his body as far away from me as possible. I teased him asking what he was afraid of. He said he had complete clarity in what he was going to do about us while he was away from me, but as soon as he came anywhere near me, he got confused. Now he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Then he came out and said he wanted to take a two week break and then meet up for dinner to see where we go. I just knew as he said those words, there was simply no point prolonging the agony. So I told him that and he walked away shortly after that.
I am really sad. I wish he hadn't spoken about his feelings last night, that would have made it easier. But I am also glad. A year and a half ago, the same ending brought me lots of grief because I got intimate too soon and lost my heart to him. This time I held back and that makes me feel really good. I am not going to analyse him. He has lots of issues, commitment being the main one. You can't have a relationship with someone who says he wants to, but cannot bring himself to commit to anything. Since his marriage ended, he has had 4 brief relationships. It has also helped me find closure in a way. I know there wasn't anything I could have done last time around to have changed the outcome. The problem wasn't me, it was him....
there was still a little of that fantasy at work there...you have come so so far!!!! i'm super proud of you. you have not given it all away. you did not leave yourself in a position to be crushed!! sadness is VERY reasonable.....
we can all see the growth!! i know you're probably sad but i hope you can see it too!! amazing work.
i would take what your therapist said further and write out a bottom line list. what you will not tolerate. period. and to go against that means we are blatantly defying our values and not acting in integrity by entertaining anything on that list. you start dating and you see he does one of those things one time, bam, bye bye buddy!!
Thank you for posting. Many of us are thinking about getting back out in the relationship scene so it really helps us to read what others are experiencing.
I'm starting a class tonight "How to Avoid Jerks and Jerketes" sponsored by the Health Department. It is only for three nights but I'm excited to find out why I'm still attracted to the same kind of man and to find out ways to maybe change what I'm looking for. I'll be sure to pass on any earth shattering revelations.....I really want to be in a healthy relationship but I'm still in the healing process so I won't get out there any time soon. I'm curious as to why I'm still in love with my ex when he was so toxic to me.
Happy Monday~
http://www.lovethinks.com/VanEpp/Book_Excerpts
i wish i had read this 25 years ago!!!! oh well -- better late than never.
Finn, I like your idea of the bottom line list. Will work on with my therapist.
Yougospam, I am looking forward to hearing about what you learn in your class..Sounds interesting..
Tokyo, I think I will futureproof myself some more and read that book you recommended.
I think being upfront about this guy with all of you in the last 6 weeks kept me accountable in a way. I think it was Izzy who asked why we leave when we are in relationships. I think one reason for me might be it kept me from being accountable...
The progress you have made it inspiring. Thats such a strong thing to do and you handled it so well. Im so proud of you doing that!
How do you feel now?!
Are you ok? Are you comfortable with the decision you made?
They do say that people are our X's for a reason!
There is a bright future for you …!
hugs
xxx
I am so proud of you. I know it hurts but in spite of that u are taking care of yourself. That's awesome and shows how far you have come, ((((HUGS)))).
Mid morning, I started crying and then this email came up from my ex boyfriend I broke up with 2 months ago. He had bought me tickets for the ABBA Musical before we broke up and send me a reminder to use the tickets next weekend. He also needed to return my Christmas decorations. I asked him if he would go see the show with me and bring the decorations at the same time. He refused. I don't know why I even asked because I have no particular desire to see him. Part of me knew it was because I was feeling so bad about letting my friend go. Then to top it all off, my sister who I don't talk to much anymore rang me to say the family home I sold down the street from her's 3 years ago sold for nearly twice what I got for it . That's more than 400k profit for those guys..I felt so lost and sad and very ungrounded.
In the end I text my friend and asked if I could speak to him later in the evening. He called and I asked him where my best friend had gone. He said he was still there. We talked about what happened on Monday night. He admitted he had got scared and set himself up to fail by how he surprised me with his decision. We are going to talk again in a week's time. Neither of us know if a relationship is possible at all. But we both do want to salvage the friendship if we can.
He told me yesterday his mother is manic depressive. I didn't know that. His father I knew was quite stern and staunch for the want of a better description. He said his parents only talked for functional reasons. No ideas or emotions or feeling were ever discussed. For him to open up like he has done with me is a huge step. I can see why he is the way he is. I also know he has the tendency to turn passive aggressive when he feels like he is being pushed or controlled. The sad thing is my asking him to come over is enough for him to think I am calling the shots. He recognises his failing. On my part I am quite direct and make my wishes known not waiting for the man to tell me he wants to see me. So we are extreme opposites in this and lots of other ways.
Only time will tell if I made the right decision to talk to him last night. Part of me was worried about what you might all think of me. But I have made a promise to myself to show up fully and here I am:)...
or anyone.
and good for you for being honest here!
luvya xxxx