First I'd like to say that I am glad that you are writing about this and are being honest about your feelings. I think that when we try to hide what is going on we tend to go further and further "down the rabbit hole".

I have noticed that when women (including myself) join this forum it is a process of self-liberation. It does not happen all at once. For most it is a particularly egregious action on the part of their partners that cause them to make the final exit. When I first heard about WWL2M it took me about 4 months to snip the guy who drove me here out of my life. The final straw was my sister telling me that she saw him eyeballing my 12-year-old daughter. When I heard that I made the break, but I did see him one more time after that and did talk to him one more time on the phone (he was at a strip club). I have to remember when I see women putting up with horrific stuff what I put up with--it's like being in a trance where you're unaware of the reality of the situation.

A friend of mine once said that a woman leaves a relationship 13 times before actually leaving. For some, these are formal break-ups--for others, they are decisions--near break-ups, that are not fully actualized. And then--when the time is right, and we are strong enough--when we have learned all that we are able to learn from that relationship, we finally, truly leave.

Often times a bad relationship is like a drug--addictive, and hard to leave. Painful relationships sharpen our senses. making us keenly aware of the fleeting moments of happiness. This is why they are so addictive, because the rare bits of happiness seem all the more saturated because of the dominance of pain. It is much like this in any oppressive relationship dynamics, why classes of people accept oppression.

It can be difficult for friends and family members when a person is in an emotionally/and/or/physically abusive relationship and that person confides in friends/family members (because that's what friends and family are for, right?) and yet that person continues to go back again and again to the person. It's hard on the listener (friends/family)--which is why a forum like this is an amazing thing to have. We get to take turns boosting members of the group up above the water. So no one gets worn out. Friends and family simply want to see us getting treated well and it can be really frustrating to them when their loved one keeps going back. Simultaneously, the woman is confiding because she needs emotional support. It's a bit of a conundrum. Again, that is why I am so thankful for this group.

Be gentle with yourself and know that the reason you keep going back to this guy is most likely because you are re-living some sort of childhood trauma, trying to bring closure to it. It's not to say that closure will come (obviously!) but if you keep feeling angry at yourself for what you are doing it will just drive you deeper into the den. So, yes--keep up with the affirmations and in trying to love YOU.

Wow, artgrrl... you really have a bead on this stuff. Seriously. You are all over this topic with really wise and easily digested information and I SO appreciate that. Especially in the face of all those family and friends who love me and hate that this smart lady they know (me) keeps making these stupid decisions to return. But I totally agree that this is my childhood replaying in my adult life. And while I agreed to the breakfast meeting (which he has now changed to lunch) I am happy to say that I am not doing as much dwelling and analyzing and role playing in my head as I have in the past. This time I am thinking of so many negatives to this relationship, and how I cannot rationally see any difference this time, because while I have found a compass in The Book, therapy, reading, and here... he is still very lost. And I no longer want to fix someone who is guaranteed to not be what I want for my life. At the same time, the raging co-dependent that resides within me cannot turn from someone in need. The question remains.... can I be strong enough to not engage in the "fixing" of him this time. Today, after spending quite a bit of time with Melody Beattie's books, some quiet time in the car, and your thoughtful post, I believe I can. This old soul is choosing to not seek any more projects. I hope my brain and mouth can feel as strongly when face to face with him.
In the meantime, please know I take your encouragement to heart, and feel stronger for it! Thanks for pointing out the good things I'm doing! Progress not perfection...

hey, just a reverberation on artgrrls thoughtful post: you're not alone in terms of accepting crumbs. A lot of us do it. I did: I fell back into that pattern after several years of being strong, so you should recognize that it takes radical self-monitoring to be free of it. I think it's good that you recognize it and are owning it, that's more than most women in the throes of it can do.Keep posting. Keep reading feedback. Journal if you can. It is a process to not be owned by the instinct. Trust me when I say that there will be a day when you look back and wonder how in the world you ever accepted the kind of assholery that you did. ;)

Thanks penseuse. I appreciate the tips and the encouragement. Sometimes I'm so focused on "is this right? Is this ok?" that I forget to acknowledge the things I'm doing right. When I think about how I was last summer, I'm amazed. The Book really did shine the light on this issue for me. As have so many of you ladies. For me, this is the only community I've been able to find of like minded women. And Robin Norwood is so accurate when she says this community of fellow travellers is critical to recovery. I'm so grateful to have found you all!