wow! have been the same way forever,,,,How do I reverse it..........Like Dracona said....."it's a hard thing not to do'"

I dont think you can reverse it, i mean, permenant damage has already been done to us, so we have to learn how to live with it, cope with it, and recognize these tendancies within us. we can never be FIXED, but we can be well and healthy. im on the learning road right along with the rest of you...

Uh oh

I hear the being needy and controlling. Somehow I've tried to do things different but the end result is mostly the same. I am super independent and do not need anyone to help me. But I see the reason for that is because I don't trust anyone. I don't trust anyone to take care of me. I guess the upside is that most of my relationships were with untrust worthy men. I need to be more discerning with my relationships so that I can work on trust.

being super independent and that deep rooted feeling of untrust, is also part of this disease, or addiction, or whatever you want to call it. of course we don't want anyone to take care of us, we do such a good job of taking care of them. (we think) then comes a time where we tell ourselves, HEY its time to open up and trust.
then we do, and we get burned, badly, then fall into a pit of depression and self loathing, telling ourselves that we knew better, we knew better than to trust, that we will never do it again. in all actuality, we DONT KNOW WHO to trust, WHEN to trust, or the most important, HOW to trust. we dont know how to build boundries, its ALL or NOTHING. The trust issue, has to come from within yourself, its not in the men or the relationship. you have to go back, unroot the origional problem as to why you dont trust, and start from there.

Sometimes it's hard to go back to find the reason for the mistrust. I know that I can't trust anyone. I want to, but I can't seem to. I don't know what the root of the mistrust is. And it feels like I'll never know. Perhaps I'm just destined to be alone because I can't trust to be with anyone else.

Goodness yes, that's what I seem to be doing all the time! Crappola! lol.

you know, we ALL think this way.
i dont know the answers, none of us do, but all i do know is, someday, it wont be like this. because we deserve more, we are kind and considerate, loving and beautiful.

Yes again unfortunately x

I M NEW TO THIS GROUP AND i AM SO GLAD THAT A FELLOW DS MEMBER RECOMMENDED THIS GROUP TO ME. I AM MARRIED TO A FOREIGNER, THIS IS MY SECOND MARRIAGE, THE FIRST MARRIAGE I WAS SUCH A GOOD WIFE, MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS, HAD A NICE HOME, 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, WELL TURNS OUT MY X LIED AND CHEATED SO MANY TIMES ON ME, HE LEFT A HUGE HOLE IN MY HEART. I WAS SO DEVASTATED.I TRUSTED HIM SO MUCH, EVEN GOING SO FAR AS FIRING MY 18 YEAR OLD BABYSITTER BECAUSE HE SAID' NO I DID NOT RENT ALL THE PORN MOVIES IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE BABYSITTER' I WAS VERY YOUNG AND DUMB, 19 WHEN I WAS MARRIED AND HE WAS 15 YEARS OLDER THEN ME.WELL I WISED UP AND DIVORCED AFTER HE ATTEMPTED TO KILL ME AND WAS CHARGED WITH 4 FELONY COUNTS.I WENT INTO A DEEP DARK DEPRESSION AND THEN I GOT BACK UP ON MY FEET AGAIN AND MET MY NOW HUSBAND ABDEL, I MET HIM ONLINE AND WENT TO HIS COUNTRY 2 TIMES( YES CRAZY I KNOW) AND I THINK I WAS JUST ON THE REBOUND. WELL HE IS HERE NOW AND HAS BEEN FOR 1 AND A HALF YEARS, WE ARE MARRIED AND HE HAS HIS ADJUSTMENT OF STATUS. WELL NOW HE IS PAYING FOR THE MISTAKES MY X DID TO ME, NOW I AM THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF HOW I WAS BEFORE, NOW I AM ALWAYS QUESTIONING HIM, ACCUSING HIM, AFRAID HE IS GOING TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME AND BY GOLLY I AM GOING TO CATCH HIM IN IT....WRONG! MY ACTIONS HAVE CAUSED SO MUCH TURMOIL AND I HAVE PUSHED HIM AWAY FROM ME TO THE POINT HE IS NOT HONEST WITH ME BECAUSE HE THINKS I WILL BLOW UP.RIGHT NOW HE IS IN MOROCCO VISITING HIS FAMILY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS, IT HAS BEEN HELL.WE ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING AND BICKERING, I AM ALWAYS ACCCUSING HIM OF BEING WITH OTHER WOMEN, AND PUTTING CRAZY IDEAS OUT THERE AND I REALLY DO LOOK LIKE A BASKET CASE.HE IS ALSO NOT STABLE.HE IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AND I AM VERBALLY ABUSIVE WITH ALWAYS ACCUSING HIM OF THINGS, HE TELLS ME ALL THE TIME I BELONG IN AN ASYLUM AND I AM CRAZY, I JUST FEEL SO ALONE AND LOST.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE, I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP CALLING HIM 30 TIMES A DAY DPENDING HUNDERED OF DOLLARS AND ALL HE DOES IS IGNORE MY CALLS, HE TOLD ME HE WILL NOT TALK TO ME AT ALL FOR 24 HOURS STRAIGHT ON THE PHONE OR EMAIL IN IF HE SENSES AT ALL ANY NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR FROM ME. WELL WE ARE CONSTANTLY IN A CYCLE, WE ARE GOOD THEN BLOW UP AND FIGHTING AGAIN FOR SOMETIMES A WEEK STRAIGHT. IT IS VERY UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE. THE CRAZY THING IS THAT I REALLY LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH, ALMOST OBSESSING OVER HIM.I KEEP FOCUSING ON HIM WONDERING WHAT HE IS DOING, HOW HE IS DOING AND ALL HE DOES IS IGNORE ME.HE DOESNT EVEN TELL ME HE LOVES ME ANYMORE, I JUST FEEL SO INSECURE AND ALL I WANT IS REASSURANCE FROM HIM. I TOLD HIM WHY I AM THE WAY I AM BECAUSE I CAN NOT TRUST ANY MAN AND HE SAYS THAT STORY IS GETTING OLD.BUT IT ISNT A STORY, IT IS THE TRUTH.I JUST FEEL LIKE I AM LOVING HIM AND HE HATES ME AND REALLY DOESNT CARE MUCH ABOUT ME AT ALL.HE IS DUE TO RETURN JULY 22ND, OK FOR INSTANCE, YESTURDAY I CALLED HIM, HE SAYS HE WAS WITH HIS FRIEND YOUNES, I HEARD HIS FRIEND TALKING TO A WOMAN, SHE WAS GIGGLING, I ASKED HIM WHO HE WAS ALL WITH HE CLAIMS JUST HIM AND YOUNES, THEN THE GIRLS VOICE GOT LOUDER LIKE SHE WAS RIGHT NECT TO HIM HE CLAIMED HE WAS DRIVING IN HIS FRIENDS CAR. I ASKED HIM WHO IS YOUNES TALKING TO HE TELLS ME NO ONE HE IS TALKING TO HIMSELF, liar!!!!!!!!! I COULD NOT HELP IT BUT BLOW UP LIKE A BOMB. OF COURSE HE HUNG UP ON ME BUT I TEXT MSG HIM TELLING HIM MANY MEAN THINGS BUT I WAS REALLY ANGRY NOT BECAUSE OF A WOMAN BUT BECAUSE HE LIED TO ME ABOUT IT.AND I WAS NOT BEING DILLUSIONAL LIKE HE ALWAYS CLAIMS.SO NOW I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT HOW I REACTED BUT.... HE IS SICK OF ME SAYING I AM SORRY, THERE IS NO COMPRIMISE WITH HIM.HE IS VERY CONSERVATIVE AND IS A NO NONSENSE PERSON. I JUST FEEL TERRIBLE AND I FEEL VERY ALONE.PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE AND SOME COPING METHODS. I NEVER USE TO BE LIKE THIS. BEFORE IF I KNEW A WOMAN LIKE ME I WOULD BE THE FIRST TO TELL THE MAN HE OUGHT TO LEAVE THE CRAZY WOMAN, NOW LOOK AT ME!!!!

Well it's time to try and change this cycle of negativity.

1 - Take a step back from him, it will be hard to do for 3 days but once you hit the 4th day maybe send him a text to say. Hey. YOUR WORLD WILL NOT END if you dont talk to him I promise. It will be tough but you need to get clarity.

2 - Work out what you will put up with in your marriage and what is a big no , no and create those boundaries email him but take a week or 2 of cutting down contact you need to create some space and thoughts.

3 - Try and get some strength and self love back work out what makes you happy outside of the marriage if there s not anything then start working out what does. I always try to remember a sense of joy when I am doing something or freedom/happiness then work from there.

4 - As WWLTM we struggle with so many different insecurities that instead of focusing and spotlighting our partners actions because it stops us dealing with our own mannnnn I do this all the time , how about put it on you and ask yourself some hard questions. Yes we have all been pains in the arses in our relationships ................ for damn good reasons most times or just not knowing any better at the time but you need to work out if this is the relationship dynamics you want for the rest of your life......?
Is it worth salvaging regardless of how much you love him and

By acknowledging you are not happy or you are not really ok with his and your behaviour now start journaling what you want from a relationship , what you need. The healthy strong yet logical person you would like to be in a relationship, work it out no judgement.

Hope this helps you.

Peace,

K

I admit I needed to be needed and felt that in doing so, I was unreplaceable. (Fear of abandonment). Putting needs second, oh, yeah. I had the rattiest underwear for the longest time because I thought it was too much of a splurge. It isn't, at all! Felt like I didn't deserve new/nice things, so many of my things are second hand or simply years old, majorly discounted down..whatever. Indulged the boys with things. C'mon, ladies, don't many of us wear those old bras that are stretched out of shape and discolored from time? Reality check! I'm bad about buying shoes, too. I buy them new, but wear them until they are horriffic! They are just another reflection of how we put ourselves last.

this is me plus my alcoholic parent was a control freak and champion manipulator - i learned from the best. I also fear abandonement and if i can hook people by doing things for them they won't leave me. course all they do is resent the control and leave anyway.

Wanted to bump this to the front...